


I used to be broken (now I'm borderline)

by Taliesin_niseilaT



Series: No Matter How We Meet [6]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Bad Sex, Dirty Talk, Domestic, Dubious Consent (not between Barry/Julian), Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Psychological Trauma, Rape/Non-con Elements (not between Barry/Julian), Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2018-12-14 04:07:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11775162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliesin_niseilaT/pseuds/Taliesin_niseilaT
Summary: Fresh out of a relationship that ended in a traumatic encounter, Julian intends to stay single for quite some time. But he didn’t count on meeting Barry. A handsome, kind teacher hell-bent on tearing down all of his walls? That wasn’t part of the plan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from 'Treaty' by Leonard Cohen.

1.

 

This turn of events was, Julian supposes, inevitable.

 

He’s been going out with Aidan – black hair, blue eyes, sharp features – for five weeks and the other man’s finally got him into bed. Julian wasn’t overly keen, but Aidan’s been so patient and bought him this lovely meal tonight. It seemed impossibly rude not to invite him home. Anyway, surely he’d be into it once they got started. Aidan’s kind and funny and quite handsome. How hard could it be to have good sex with a guy like him?

 

Now Julian’s on his hands and knees with Aidan grunting behind him and he’s _trying,_ he really is. But he’s keenly aware of sweaty hands pawing at his shoulders, his chest, his hips, of Aidan’s hot breath too loud in his ear. His date is fucking him like the world’s about to end, and he feels _nothing._ His knees hurt, he’s uncomfortably stretched out around Aidan’s cock, there’s a sloppy hickey on his neck and he keeps thinking that he needs to go down to the store later because he’s out of coffee. Aidan mouths at his earlobe, his neck, the top of his spine. It’s supposed to turn him on, but instead he just wants it to be over already. Julian pushes back to meet Aidan’s thrusts, going through the motions and hoping to get him off faster. It seems to work, because moments later, Aidan comes with a sharp cry and collapses heavily on top of Julian. The blond lets out a distressed sound when his date pulls out and fumbles off the condom.

 

Aidan reaches around to jerk him off, but Julian pushes his hand away. ‘No... I... I’m okay.’ He’s not even hard anymore, and he doesn’t want Aidan to know that. He finds out anyway, of course, his hand insistent until he actually touches Julian.

‘Julian?’ Aidan’s voice is full of worry. He tries to turn him around, but Julian refuses to look at him. ‘Did I hurt you? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time.’

Julian takes a deep breath. ‘I think it’s better if there is no next time.’

‘What? No, come on, first times are often awkward, we can work it out...’

‘Can you go, please?’

‘Julian, we need to talk about this –’ Aidan’s visibly shocked when he finally sees Julian’s face, completely closed off, his eyes harsh and cold.

‘I’m sorry, Aidan.’

‘That’s all you’ve got?’ Aidan says, getting angry himself. ‘No explanations?’

‘There’s nothing I can say that would make it better. We’re just not suited to each other.’

‘Because the sex was bad for you? No. That’s not the only thing that matters in a relationship.’

Julian sighs. ‘It won’t work.’

‘You won’t even try. Fine.’ Aidan picks up his clothes and hurries out of the room. Julian’s relief when he hears the front door of his flat fall shut is palpable, at least for a few moments while he reaches for his dressing gown and wraps it around his naked body. He sits on the floor for a while, shivering with cold and a couple of emotions he doesn’t want to put a name to.

 

Julian bursts into tears. He can’t help it. This afternoon, he’d been excited for their date, picking out a nice shirt and tight jeans. Aidan is, after all, exactly the kind of guy you can bring home to meet your mother. Assuming your mother’s okay with you dating men, which Julian’s is not. They’ve been getting along so well and Aidan’s kept his hints at wanting more than a goodnight kiss reasonably under control. Then as soon as Julian gave in, he felt – well, like he was just a body for Aidan to use. He knows this is an irrational thought, knows Aidan really does care for him. Knows it by the look in his eyes when he finally got Julian naked on his bed. But knowing something to be irrational doesn’t make it go away, and so Julian cries, chokes out great heaving sobs, wipes his eyes on the sleeve of his dressing gown. Winces when he puts his full weight on his sore ass, feeling the ghost of Aidan’s hands all over him.

 

Julian stumbles into the bathroom what feels like an eternity later, dropping the gown onto the floor. He turns the water on as hot as it goes and sinks onto the floor of the shower. It seems to be all he’s good for at the moment, sitting in a corner and crying. The steady stream washes away the tears on his face. He becomes aware that the water is too hot, his skin hurting now, and turns the temperature down. Reaches for his _Sea breeze_ scented shower gel and scrubs himself down as thoroughly as he can. It doesn’t take away any of the hurt, but at least he now smells like sea salt instead of sweat and regrets.

 

He melts into his fluffiest bath towel and crawls into bed, towel and all. It still feels like a safe place even though this is where he and Aidan had sex only an hour ago. His tabby cat pads into the room and jumps onto the bed, curling into Julian’s side. ‘Night, Merlin,’ he mutters into the quiet room. Turning off the lights, Julian’s determined to go to sleep. _I’ll be fine tomorrow morning._ But he soon becomes overwhelmed by his swirling thoughts, assaulted by images from earlier in the evening, from their awkward, too-sloppy kisses to Aidan’s angry eyes when he finally left. _I can’t believe I let him, what is wrong with me, why couldn’t I just enjoy it, I won’t ever, it wasn’t like this last time but that’s so long ago I don’t even know..._

_Maybe I’m just not meant for relationships._

 

Julian sleeps fitfully, plagued by strange dreams and frequently waking up. Night turns to day eventually, and Julian feels no better facing down an entire weekend alone at home. He doesn’t want to see anyone, but it becomes increasingly clear sitting here and moping around isn’t good for him either.

 

So he forces down some breakfast and heads out to the library. It’s the only place he can think of as a distraction. He’ll be able to browse for a while and read in peace. The library is quite busy for this hour of the morning – teenagers studying, people reading newspapers. Julian strolls through the aisles for some time, eventually picking up one of his favourite spy novels and settling down in one of the few empty spaces.

 

There’s a man on the other side of the table, rapidly working his way through a pile of young adult novels. He jots down titles and keywords, flicks to the middle and the end of the books to read a few paragraphs. The man appears close to Julian’s own age – twenty-six –, tall and lanky with short brown hair and a boyish face. He looks up to find Julian staring, and shoots him a bright smile. His eyes linger on Julian’s face, giving him the courage to speak up.

‘You a teacher?’ he says, gesturing to the scattered books and the notepad. The man nods. ‘High school juniors. They hate reading and I’m the lucky guy who gets to draw up their reading list.’ There’s a fondness in his voice that belies his apparent frustration with his students.

‘So how do you get them to read?’

‘By picking books that haven’t been made into movies.’

Julian laughs. ‘I’m Julian.’

‘Nice to meet you. I’m Barry. Is that a Salini novel you’re reading?’ Julian lifts up the book to show him the title. ‘Ooh, it’s the one about the gay spies!’

‘You know it?’ Julian says, delighted. Barry nods, chews on his pen thoughtfully for a moment. ‘Might as well put it on the list. Broaden their minds a little.’

 

Their eyes meet again and Julian wants... he wants to find out what Barry’s like. How he teaches. What he does on his days off. More than anything, Julian wants to keep this conversation going. ‘Can I... help you with that?’ Barry gives him an appraising look, then shrugs and pushes half the stack of books across the table. ‘Imagine you’re seventeen and hate everything on principle. Which ones would you read?’

‘Obviously not this one,’ Julian says, pushing a thick volume away. ‘Too long, the font is too small, and the title promises only complex boredom.’

‘Ouch,’ Barry says with a grin, ‘I really liked that one.’

‘But you’re not a seventeen-year-old who hates books.’

‘Okay, yeah. Go on.’ Together, they work through the books until Barry has a sizeable list. Then they keep chatting even though their work is done. A librarian walks by and throws them a dirty look for talking loudly. Julian’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he looks at the screen. ‘Fuck. It’s work.’ Julian listens to the caller for a minute and swears again when he puts the phone down. ‘ _Really sorry to call you in on a Saturday,_ my ass. She wouldn’t keep doing it if she was sorry.’

‘Trouble?’ Barry says.

‘Yeah. I have to go to work for a bit.’ He looks at his watch. ‘With any luck I’ll make it out by noon, but it could easily be dinnertime too. _Shit!’_

‘Can I walk you to your car?’ Julian stares at Barry. That’s a strange request. Very... old-timey dating protocol. ‘I – uh, I suppose so, yeah. If you like.’

Barry smiles. ‘Okay. I’ll just put these back on the shelves.’

‘I’ll give you a hand,’ Julian says, putting his own novel back and picking up half of Barry’s books. They head to the young adult section talking quietly. Once they reach Julian’s car parked out front, Barry awkwardly pats Julian’s shoulder and says, ‘Well, I’ll – I’ll see you around? Maybe?’

Julian smiles. ‘You never know.’

 

The next Tuesday, Julian heads to the park near his office to eat his lunch. His eyes drift from the customers of the grocery store on the corner to a Thai restaurant, a bank and the high school across the road. It’s their lunch hour too, and students are leaving and arriving in the building, supervised by a teacher – Julian does a double take. He leans in to get a closer look, and he’s almost certain now... The man turns around to answer a question. It’s Barry.

 

Without a second thought, Julian shoves his half-eaten sandwich into his satchel, gathers his belongings, and crosses the street.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

 

This is rather unnerving. Will Barry even recognise him? He’s in a heated discussion with a student (who was apparently not allowed to leave school during lunch) but when he finally spots Julian standing there awkwardly, his face lights up immediately. ‘Julian!’

‘Hi,’ Julian says, ‘Um, I was just sitting there,’ he vaguely gestures to the other side of the street, ‘and I saw you so I wanted to say... hi.’

‘Hi,’ Barry says, unable to hide his smile, ‘Yeah, so this is where I spend my days.’

Julian nods. ‘I see that. My office is just around the corner.’

‘You better not try to sneak out again, Finn, I have my eye on you!’ Barry tells a student who’s intimidatingly tall and broad. Sulking, Finn disappears back into the school building. Julian’s grinning at Barry’s strict teacher persona. It already feels so different from the guy he met at the library that Julian knows this is a front he puts on at work. Barry’s eyes never leave Julian’s face. A strange silence falls between them.

 

Then Barry rubs the back of his neck and hesitantly says, ‘I don’t suppose you want to grab a coffee later? With me, I mean?’

Julian bites his lip, thinking it over, but there’s really only one possible answer. ‘Sure. I’d like that. I can – when do you finish work?’

‘Uh, around five. How about you?’

‘It varies, but I should be able to get away by five. I can pick you up here?’

‘Great,’ Barry says, smiling brightly. A young boy approaches the teacher hesitantly. ‘Mr Allen, I have a question about the assignment for geography –’ Julian gives Barry a little wave as he listens to the student’s question, and walks away, looking forward to spending time with Barry again.

 

Julian’s ten minutes late because his boss would insist on briefing him about a new case they’re taking on next week, and Barry’s nowhere to be seen at the school entrance. _Did he leave?_ _Shit, why did Spencer have to keep me late today of all days?_ Julian nervously paces the pavement, kicking a stray soda can into the gutter. Just as he feels a stirring of guilt over littering and goes to pick up the can and throw it in the bin, Barry emerges from the school. Not the most elegant way Julian could make an impression, but it’s too late now.

‘I swear I was supposed to be done by five,’ Barry calls, descending the stairs in front of the entrance. ‘Don’t worry, I was late too.’ Barry joins him with a smile.

‘Where would you like to go for coffee? There’s a little shop around the corner but a lot of students go there too and I’ve seen enough of them for one day.’ Julian laughs, then thinks it over for a moment. His favourite coffee shop is about ten minutes away on foot. ‘I know a place,’ Julian says, ‘Best tea and coffee downtown.’

‘Alright then. Lead the way.’

 

It’s a sunny afternoon and it feels good to stroll through the green part of the city with a cute, cheerful guy like Barry by his side. In the meantime, he learns that Barry turned twenty-seven in March, that he grew up in Central City, raised by his foster father, and that he teaches English ‘with a side of geography’.

‘So what do you do, Julian?’

‘I’m a civil litigation lawyer.’

‘A lawyer?’ Barry grins. ‘How very fancy. A British lawyer.’

Julian laughs. ‘It’s pretty boring really. I mainly deal with neighbours suing each other over whose turn it is to clip the hedge.’

Barry pulls a face. ‘That does sound boring.’

‘Oh, there’s a good laugh in it occasionally. Some people really are phenomenally stupid.’

‘Tell me about it, I have to teach them.’

 

Still chatting, they reach Julian’s chosen coffee shop, a tiny place squeezed inbetween a supermarket and a sushi bar. The queue starts out in the street so Julian points Barry to the menu posted by the door while they wait. ‘Hi Julian, what can I get you boys?’

‘Ah, you’re clearly a regular here!’ Barry says with a grin when the blonde barista uses Julian’s name.

‘Oh yeah,’ the barista says, ‘My girlfriend is his best friend. I’m Felicity, by the way.’

‘Barry. I’ll have a regular cappuccino, please.’

‘And a large americano, black, no sugar, as usual,’ Felicity says before Julian has the chance to speak.

Barry refuses to let Julian pay for his coffee. ‘Forget it,’ he says, ‘I asked you to come out with me, I’m paying.’ Felicity prepares their drinks at record speed. ‘Hey Julian,’ she calls as they leave the shop, ‘I approve.’ She winks and nods at Barry. Blushing furiously and nearly dropping his coffee, Julian rushes Barry out of the door.

 

‘I’m sorry about that, Felicity’s always trying to set me up on dates.’

‘Oh, it could be worse,’ Barry says with a twinkle in his eyes, ‘She could’ve told the entire coffee shop that she _didn’t_ approve, and then where would we be?’ Julian smiles and it turns into full-blown laughter when Barry takes a sip of cappuccino and nearly spits it out. ‘Shit, how hot _is this?_ Oh god I burnt my tongue. Why are you laughing? How can you even drink that?’

‘Oh, I’m used to it,’ Julian says, leading Barry to a quiet square and pulling a water bottle out of his satchel. ‘Here.’ Barry gratefully accepts the cold water and sinks down on a bench, Julian joining him soon. He’s still sipping his coffee but Barry’s put his down, determined to let it cool first.

 

‘So,’ Julian says after a few moments of comfortable silence, ‘Did you always want to be a teacher?’

‘Of course not,’ Barry replies, ‘I read a lot of comic books as a kid, so I planned on becoming a superhero.’

‘Oh? What went wrong?’ Julian asks with a grin. ‘You know how it goes, my foster father didn’t consider heroics an appropriate career. Which is funny, given that he’s a cop. Anyway, I always liked helping my sister with her homework, even though she’s a year older than me, so teaching didn’t sound half bad.’ Barry carefully tries his coffee again. ‘It’s almost okay to drink now. What about you, then? Why are you a lawyer?’

‘Family tradition,’ Julian says with a sigh, ‘We’ve been lawyers for generations. I don’t mind too much, because seeing justice done is important to me. Of course not every lawyer gets to put criminals away, but.’

‘What would you have done if you’d had a choice?’

‘Astrophysics,’ Julian says without a doubt. Barry whistles in admiration. ‘I’ve always loved science. My sister Emma, she was braver than me. She defied our parents. She was well on her way to becoming a marine biologist.’ A sad tone creeps into Julian’s voice.

‘Was?’ Barry prompts gently. ‘She died when I was twenty-two.’

‘Oh god, Julian, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have –’

‘No, it’s okay, let’s just... talk about something else.’

Barry nods and says the first thing that pops into his head. ‘I read online that Salini is working on a sequel to _Hay Fever._ ’

Julian’s face lights up. ‘Really? That’s my favourite book. I seriously need to buy a copy instead of getting it from the library all the time.’

‘A few of my students picked it off the reading list. Your influence is about to change their lives, Julian.’ Julian laughs. ‘I can’t wait.’

 

They don’t part until an hour later, Barry heading for the bus stop near the school and Julian meaning to pick up his car at work. He lingers around the bus stop first though, making smalltalk until he finally blurts out, ‘Can I have your number?’

‘I – of course you can. Give me your phone, I’ll put it in.’ Barry hands Julian his own phone in exchange, already open on the _Add new contact_ page. ‘We’ll talk later,’ Barry promises, offering an enthusiastic handshake. ‘Yes, absolutely, I’d like that.’ Julian’s a little giddy with excitement, and that’s even before Barry squeezes his shoulder as they finally say their goodbyes.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

 

Barry routinely rifles through the mail when he gets home. Advertisements for supermarkets, cars and oddly, a retirement home, make up the bulk of his letterbox’s contents. A plain white envelope with his name and address on it catches his attention. It’s from his landlord. Barry reads the letter with growing unease and anger. _Terminating rental agreement... Regretfully... Vacate property by September 1, 2017... Hope I have put forward my intention clearly..._

‘Shit!’ Barry snarls, already reaching for his phone. His first instinct is to call the landlord and demand an explanation, but he decides it would be wiser to speak to Joe before he says things he may regret later. Joe’s still working, but he takes the time to listen to his son’s angry rant. ‘Barry, listen to me. It’s going to be fine. I’ll help you find a new apartment; three months is plenty of time. And even if we can’t manage by then, you know I’m not going to let you sleep out on the streets. You could always stay with me for a few weeks if necessary. Now calm down – this isn’t the end of the world. You keep complaining your place is a total dump!’

‘Yes, but an affordable dump,’ Barry says grimly.

 

*

 

His best friend Caitlin shows up at Julian’s door around seven the following night. ‘I brought pizza and cheap wine,’ she says, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

‘That is _exactly_ what I need. Come in.’

He met Caitlin not long after he came to Central City, when she advised him on a case as a medical expert. He took an interest in the science behind the case, they discussed it over drinks and became fast friends. Julian grabs glasses for the wine and sets the oven to bake the pizzas while Caitlin updates him on the state of her relationship with Felicity (they decided to move in together, but are still looking for the perfect place to live).

‘How are things with Aidan?’ Caitlin asks, bending down to scratch Merlin’s head. The cat purrs loudly. ‘Not... I’m not seeing him anymore.’

She frowns. ‘Didn’t you have a date last week?’

Julian swallows with difficulty. ‘I broke up with him. I don’t really wanna talk about it.’

‘Julian –’

‘No, really, Caitlin. Let’s not talk about it. How’s work?’ Caitlin knows when to let it go, but there’s definitely something strange about Julian’s reaction. Especially since Felicity mentioned Julian dropped by her coffee shop with his date only yesterday. Julian checks the pizza and declares it good enough to eat, effectively changing the subject.

 

Around nine, right before Caitlin leaves, Julian’s phone buzzes. He looks down at it and grins when he sees Barry’s name.

 

**Barry**

_I had a good time yesterday._

Caitlin seems mildly curious, but she asks no questions, instead giving Julian a quick hug and rushing down the stairs. Julian sends back a reply.

 

**Julian**

_Me too. Maybe we should do it again._

**Barry**

_Absolutely._

They keep texting casually throughout the evening, until Julian realises he has a court case to present early the next morning, and he really should go to sleep.

 

*

 

Barry doesn’t like working by himself, so come Friday night, he heads to his foster father’s house and settles down at the table with his laptop and a stack of papers. Joe asks about his house-hunting, and Barry says he’s set up appointments to view every affordable flat he could find and invites Joe to come along if he’s free. Then he sets his phone to silent and leaves it in his bag. He and Julian have been texting _a lot,_ which is great, but Barry really needs to correct these essays. He’s been putting it off for a week. Half an hour in, someone sneaks up behind him and gives him a bear hug. ‘Barry Allen, as I live and breathe.’ Barry grins and turns around to face his sister. ‘Hey, Iris.’ She throws off her coat and settles down opposite him. ‘Coffee, Iris?’ Joe calls from the kitchen. ‘Yes please, and get Barry some more too. Looks like he could use it.’ Iris pulls out a copy of _Central City Picture News,_ but doesn’t open it yet. ‘Long time no see, Barry. Have you been working in the library again?’

‘A bit. You know I like it there. You can never tell who you might meet –’ Realising he’s said more than he intended to, Barry casts his eyes down to his work. Agitated, he marks another glaring spelling error – in an essay on _The Importance of Language Education,_ no less. He can still see Iris’s curious, teasing expression from the corner of his eye though.

‘Oh?’ she says, her voice carefully kept even, ‘And who _did_ you meet, then?’ Barry says nothing. He knows there’s no escaping Iris anyway. ‘Well?’

‘Just – I met a guy, it’s no big deal.’

‘Then why are you blushing, Barry?’

‘I’m not, just let me work, Iris.’

Joe emerges from the kitchen with three mugs of coffee and says, ‘If you’re dating, don’t forget he needs my approval.’ Frustrated, Barry chucks down his red pen. ‘I’m not dating! I met Julian in the library and we went for coffee once. That’s all.’

‘Sure, if you say so,’ Iris says with a smirk, flipping open the newspaper to show Joe her latest articles. Exasperated, Barry pulls out his phone, and his heart leaps when he finds a text from Julian inviting him to have lunch together on Saturday. He replies _I’d love to._

 

That night, Barry’s too nervous to sleep. He and Julian keep texting, _just one more,_ and Julian’s evidently a nightbird. He tries to get to bed earlier during the week, but the weekend’s fair game. Barry’s already said goodnight once, but after an hour of tossing and turning, he glances at the clock and decides twelve fifteen is still an okay time to be texting his new friend.

 

**Barry**

_I can’t sleep. Why can’t I sleep?_

Barry gets out of bed and wanders over to the living room, passing through the kitchen to pick up a glass of milk. His phone buzzes insistently in his hand.

 

_Incoming call – Julian Albert_

Barry’s mouth instantly feels dry. He gulps down some milk before answering. ‘Hello?’ he says quietly, respectful of the time even though he lives alone. ‘Hi,’ Julian replies, sounding brightly awake, ‘Having trouble sleeping?’

‘Yeah, I –’ What now? He can’t exactly tell Julian he’s nervous about their lunch date tomorrow. It isn’t even a date. Julian waits patiently on the other end of the line. ‘I don’t know,’ Barry says feebly, ‘I feel on edge. Can’t lie still.’

‘Are you in bed?’ Julian asks casually and _fuck,_ that question shouldn’t make his blood soar, because there isn’t a single hint of underlying motives in that beautiful voice.

‘No. I got back up to get a drink.’

‘Okay. Finish your drink and get back to bed. I’m going to help you.’

‘ _What?’ Is he suggesting what I think he’s –_

‘Have you ever meditated, Barry?’

 _Oh. Apparently not suggesting that, then. Obviously. What was I even thinking?_ ‘Um, not really. Not in recent years, certainly.’

‘Well,’ Julian says, and Barry can hear rustling sounds on the other side, ‘If I can just find it – why is my desk such a mess – oh, here we are! You’ll be more comfortable for this if you put earphones in and lay your phone down.’

‘What are you talking about, Julian?’ Barry says even as he gets back into bed and rummages around for his earphones.

‘I’m going to talk you to sleep.’

‘Not likely. Are you going to read to me from the phone book?’

‘A phone book?’ Julian says, his voice full of wonder, ‘Haven’t seen one for years, have you? We’re going to do a guided meditation. Like the ones you can find online.’

‘Okay, I guess? How does that work?’

‘I have a script here. You lie in bed, and I’ll read to you. It guides you to become so relaxed you fall asleep easily. I used it a lot a few years back. You just listen to me and follow my lead.’

 _God that sounds hot. No, Barry, no._ ‘I suppose it can’t hurt to try.’

‘Excellent.’ He can hear the smile in Julian’s voice. ‘Let’s get started.’

 

Julian helps him to settle down comfortably. Allows him a few minutes to let his thoughts flow freely. Guides his breathing to a slow, relaxed rhythm. He makes Barry relax his feet, his legs, his shoulders and his arms. It’s wonderfully easy to focus on nothing but the soft lilt of Julian’s voice, the British accent weaving a gentle spell on him. His mind drifts, Julian telling him how peaceful and pleasant Barry must be feeling by now. ‘So cosy and warm. You’re so calm, I can tell by your breathing...’

 

Slowly, Barry slips away into a deep sleep.

 

When he can hear nothing but quiet breathing on the other end of the line, Julian softly whispers, ‘Goodnight, Barry,’ and hangs up the phone with a smile.

 

Barry doesn’t wake up until nine thirty the next morning, his head still full of Julian’s words. His new friend featured heavily in his dreams, mostly wrapped up in Barry’s arms. He stretches out lazily and flicks on the light. He thinks about what Julian did last night. It’s possibly the strangest, sweetest thing a near-stranger has ever done for him, though Julian doesn’t feel like a stranger. Anything but, now that Barry has fallen asleep to the sound of his voice. And he gets to see Julian again in less than three hours. _Life is good._ Barry jumps out of bed and sets about making scrambled eggs on toast. He takes a long shower, using his favourite shower gel and shampoo. Then he rushes downstairs to run a few quick errands and pick up the newspaper. It’ll distract him from getting nervous. Or at least he might glance at the clock a few times less, if he focuses on doing the crossword puzzle.

 

Around eleven thirty, Barry glances in the mirror, straightens the collar of his shirt, grabs his leather jacket and heads out to the bus stop. The bus is ten minutes late. At times like these, he really wishes he could afford a car, though he never liked driving. Well, at least he doesn’t have to go far. Julian suggested a stroll around a small marketplace before lunch. (He said there would be booksellers, so Barry was immediately on board.) They meet in front of a classical sculpture of some man who was once very important to Central City. Nobody remembers his name these days, and the plaque is faded. Julian’s already there, and _oh god he’s wearing a suit and tie, I’m so under-dressed, way to make a shitty impression, Barry._

 

‘How did you sleep?’ Julian asks by way of a greeting. Barry huffs out a laugh. ‘Pretty brilliantly. Thanks for that.’

‘Not too weird?’ Julian says, his smile wrinkling up his nose.

‘Yeah, it was... really weird. But good, too. Very relaxing. I don’t know where you got that idea.’

‘It was part of a late-night burst of creativity.’

‘Oh?’ Barry says, curiously.

Julian laughs. ‘I was working on some sketches.’

‘Are you an artist?’ Barry knows he sounds stunned, but there’s something about people who can paint that’s always drawn him in. Julian shrugs. ‘An amateur, but yeah.’

‘What medium?’

‘Pencils, paint, charcoal, chalk. If it sticks to paper or canvas, I’ll use it.’

‘Oh god, that is so ho- cool. Really cool.’

Julian shows off his brightest smile, his eyes sparkling. ‘Come now, Barry. Surely you didn’t think I was just a boring lawyer?’


	4. Chapter 4

4.

 

The market is stuffed full of antiquities, art, sculptures, and indeed, many books. Julian and Barry stroll around, browsing here and there. They each purchase a book because they can’t not, and then Barry leads the way to a Chinese restaurant tucked away in a maze of little streets. Neither of them has a clue how to use chopsticks, so they have a good laugh with that until Julian works up the nerve to ask the waiter for knives and forks.

‘He thinks we’re uncultured brutes,’ Julian whispers as the waiter disappears to dig out some cutlery from the bottom of a drawer.

‘He’d be right, the way you’re handling that chicken is almost criminal.’

‘Oh, sod off,’ Julian says with a big smile.

 

As they eat, Barry idly wonders whether Julian’s attracted to him. He can’t tell. Julian sure smiles a lot, but maybe he’s always like that. There’s no question that Barry is into Julian. From his blond hair to the tips of his elegant, polished shoes, Julian is gorgeous. The last time Barry got as far as a second date is months ago. And no one’s held quite the appeal for him that this clever Englishman does. Most of his dates look okay but have questionable personalities. He’s been lied to more often than he can count and sooner or later an awkward situation arises when Barry has to reject their premature attempts to get in his pants. Men always seem to assume he’s easy, only to be proven wrong quickly. Julian, however, is quite refreshing, with his clear lack of ambitions in that direction. He just talks, tells stories, makes jokes, and sits there looking way more elegant than he has any right to. Barry feels frumpy in comparison.

 

The subject of sports comes up. Julian admits to hating gym classes in school, which left him with a lifelong aversion. ‘I occasionally go for a walk or cycle to work, but that’s about it.’

‘God, I’m gonna sound like such a show-off now,’ Barry says, ‘but I swim at least once a week.’

‘I agree, you’re a total show-off.’

They both laugh and Julian says, ‘It must be years since I last went swimming. I like it, but it’s such a bother to change and dry off – and then I have to wash my hair again because of the chlorine – why are you laughing, Barry?’

‘Such lame excuses.’ The waiter brings over ice cream for dessert and since, by his calculations, it’s his turn to ask, Barry swallows a spoonful of whipped cream and says, ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’

Julian can clearly sense where this is going. ‘I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.’

‘I think we should go swimming.’ He watches Julian’s pensive expression, hoping Julian’s weighing the risks of having his untrained ass kicked against the benefits of seeing Barry in swimming trunks.

 

The benefits win.

 

*

 

Finding himself with half an hour to spare before meeting Barry, Julian picks up the phone to call his grandmother. As usual, she replies with a terse, ‘Rose Albert,’ and thaws out considerably upon hearing, ‘Grandma, it’s Julian.’

‘Dear boy!’ she exclaims, ‘I’m so glad you called.’

Julian laughs. ‘How are you?’

‘Oh, fine,’ Rose says, starting in on a story about her meddling neighbours that ends with ‘insults about my only grandson running off to America, probably because he got mixed up in something unsavoury...’ He can tell Rose is still furious at the memory. ‘What did you tell them, Grandma?’

‘That your parents couldn’t stand the fact that you’re gay,’ she says bluntly. Julian imagines that would indeed have shut up her conservative neighbours. His grandmother fires off a large amount of questions about Julian’s life, work, apartment, friends. ‘What are your plans for today?’ Julian sneaks a glance at his watch. It’s okay, he has time. ‘I’m going swimming with my... friend Barry.’ He imagines Rose reclining in her ancient armchair, small and grey-haired but sharp as ever, pulling up an eyebrow at Julian’s hesitation before saying ‘friend’. There’s a smile in his Grandma’s voice when she says, ‘Tell me all about your friend Barry.’

 

*

 

Julian insisted on driving them to the pool Barry always trains at. It’s a bit off the beaten path, and he’s well used to taking two buses to get there, but Julian said, ‘Nonsense, if I’m driving there, I might as well pick you up on the way. Where do you live?’

‘I’ll text you the address. See you at two?’

So now Barry’s loitering around the entrance hall of his apartment building, feeling a bit out of place as he keeps an eye out for a mint green Nissan. Several neighbours have given him odd looks as they walked by. The situation isn’t improved by Julian’s arrival in a car that – well, it isn’t quite vintage yet, but it must be at least twenty years old, a sleek sports car, and it makes a _lot_ of noise. Grinning, Barry gets in the passenger seat and says, ‘I thought lawyers were well paid.’

‘I am,’ Julian says, ‘She costs me a ton in maintenance.’

‘I don’t know anything about cars, but she’s beautiful.’

Julian waggles his eyebrows before driving off. ‘Fast, too.’

‘Oh, you’re such a tough guy, Julian.’ Julian steps on the gas in response.

‘Wait a minute,’ Barry says, after a little while of Julian showing off his driving skills. ‘When we – at the library. You didn’t have this car, it was a modern one.’ Julian pulls a face. ‘No, you’re right. That was a replacement car cause she’d broken down and the garage was fixing her.’

‘Does that happen a lot?’ Julian hums, taking a left turn. ‘More frequently than I’d like, certainly.’

‘Damn, it’s hot in here.’ Julian laughs. ‘Roll down the window. No airconditioning in Rosario, I’m afraid.’

‘ _Rosario?’_

‘Wipe that smirk off your face, Barry Allen, it’s perfectly normal to name a classic car.’

 

Barry gives him directions in the last stretch towards the pool, a maze of fancy houses and dead ends. The car park is practically empty. They go in and Barry leans over the counter, shamelessly flirting with the receptionist so she’ll let Julian go in for free because Barry has a season ticket and he’s always here. ‘Fine,’ she says, ‘but just this once. I mean it, Barry. He pays next time!’

‘Sure thing, Catherine!’ Barry calls, pulling at Julian’s arm to get him inside before she changes her mind. Julian stares at him with a certain amount of admiration. ‘I never would have guessed. Barry Allen, one of the straights,’ he teases. Barry bursts into laughter. ‘Catherine knows I’m gay. She still thinks I’m pretty.’

‘Well, you are,’ Julian says without a second thought, then looks mortified. ‘Why thank you,’ Barry says with a grin, as they linger awkwardly in the tiled hallway of the pool changing rooms. He watches a beautiful blush rise in Julian’s cheeks and realises he’s about to see this man in very little clothes and _great, now I’m blushing too._ Julian coughs. ‘Um, I’m gonna go – change.’ Barry, startled out of a brief reverie, agrees, and they disappear into side-by-side changing rooms.

 

Julian’s already putting his bag in a locker when Barry steps out into the hallway, a little self-conscious in his green boxers. Catching sight of Julian’s lean body in dark red shorts doesn’t help at all. His back is sculpted, his legs are endless, and Barry won’t even allow himself to look at that perfect ass. Julian turns around with a smile. ‘Hi,’ he says, ‘wanna share a locker? There’s plenty of room left for your stuff.’ How could Julian possibly look even more delicious than he does now? _He could be naked,_ his unhelpful brain supplies. Barry swallows sharply to regain control of himself. ‘Sure. Great.’ He bends down to push his bag and shoes into the locker. Julian puts on the wristband with the key and then they’re off to the pool. Barry has no qualms about jumping straight in. He’s used to this, of course. Julian, on the other hand, sits down on the edge and dangles his feet in the water. ‘Fuck, that’s cold,’ he says. Barry gives him a look, almost completely immersed in the water. ‘You’re not planning to sit there all day, are you?’

‘Just till I’m used to it, okay?’

‘Nope,’ Barry says, ‘Take it from me – the best way is to get straight in.’ Before Julian knows it, Barry’s grabbed hold of his hands and jerked him into the water sharply. Julian emerges with murder in his eyes, completely drenched, his blond curls sticking to his head.

 

‘ _You_ are an absolute wanker,’ he says threateningly. For a moment Barry fears he really shouldn’t have done that, but then Julian smirks and pushes him over. Barry shoves him right back and they stage a playful fight in the almost empty pool. Julian ends up pinning him against the wall in the deep end, and the atmosphere between them changes, twists into a new and unfamiliar tension. Barry’s hyperaware of Julian’s hands pressing his shoulders against the cold tiles, of the proximity of their bare chests and the curious look in Julian’s blue eyes. For a moment, Julian leans in and Barry wonders if... But then Julian pulls away and says he wants to see Barry swim, really swim, and the spell is broken. ‘Very well,’ Barry says, ‘I’ll race you to the other side of the pool.’ Julian nods. ‘Okay. But first, I want to watch you swim. Alone.’ He leans against the side of the pool as Barry shrugs, says ‘Catch me if you can,’ and shoots off like a rocket. ‘Bloody hell,’ Julian mutters when Barry reappears next to him. Barry laughs. ‘Told you I train a lot, right? Come on, let’s do this properly, and start from the blocks. Last one back here pays for hot chocolate when we’re done.’

‘Hot chocolate?’ Julian says with a smirk. ‘I wouldn’t be so damn confident that I’d win, Allen...’

 

He clambers onto a starting block, all dripping and gorgeous, leaving Barry to follow him out of the water. ‘Ready?’ Barry says, ‘Go!’ They dive in simultaneously. Barry’s fast but Julian’s strong, and he swims better than either of them expected. Barry wins – there was never any doubt that he would – but Julian’s pretty close behind. ‘You’re good!’ Barry tells him sincerely, and Julian laughs, panting. ‘It’s really been too long. That knocked the wind right out of me.’

‘Well, there are some hot tubs over there,’ Barry says, pointing. ‘What do you say we relax a bit and then after that, I teach you a few things?’ Julian grins, leans in close, and whispers, ‘I didn’t know you taught physical education.’ That goddamned beautiful accent, sending shivers down his spine. ‘Lots of things you don’t know about me, Mr Albert.’

 

‘How come this place isn’t crowded?’ Julian says, observing four or five people in the main pool and one family in the children’s play pool. ‘Sunday afternoon, dreary weather...’

‘You saw, it’s a bit of a trek. It’s not a place that people just happen upon, you need to know it’s here.’ The water in the hot tub is perfect and they float around lazily for some time, talking easily. Neither of them are looking forward to Monday and another long work week. ‘This weekend,’ Julian says, his eyes surprisingly serious, ‘has been the best I’ve had in a long while.’ The corners of Barry’s mouth twitch in an effort to hide his giddy smile. ‘It isn’t over yet.’

‘No, you’re right. As I recall, you were going to teach me a few things.’

‘Hmm, challenge accepted.’

 

They head back to the main pool and Barry improves Julian’s technique to the point that he beats Barry in their final race of the day. Sure, they both know Barry held back, but neither of them mentions it as they head towards the showers. Julian lends Barry his shampoo, which feels surprisingly personal, almost... intimate. It smells delicious, of mint and citrus fruits. They dry off, change and wander into the pool tearoom for the hot chocolate Julian owes Barry. ‘This place serves the best hot chocolate you’ve ever tasted, I swear. All whipped cream and marshmallows,’ Barry confides to Julian. His enthusiasm is catching and the drinks really are heavenly. It seems neither of them want this day to be over, because Julian suggests getting some pizza for dinner.

 

Barry readily agrees.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

 

When he lived in England with his family, Julian had a ritual he repeated day after day. Every evening before dinner, he’d walk down to the stables to go see the two horses his parents owned. His sister always rode the black horse she called Sydney, and Julian’s favourite was a beautiful grey mare he let Emma name Adelaide to keep with the theme. No matter how stressed he was, the presence of the horses always calmed him down. He’d brush Sydney first, then Adelaide, feed them treats, whisper endearments in their ears and tell them about his day.

 

He’d love to tell them about Barry.

 

Julian misses the silence, the smell of the stables, the warm breath of the horses, the way no one in his family ever disturbed him when he was there. Whenever they had some time to spare, Emma and Julian went riding together, but the quiet moments of talking to the horses were all his.

 

He wonders if Sydney and Adelaide are still alive, and laments the fact he can’t just pick up the phone and ask, because he barely speaks to his parents anymore. Once he came out and it didn’t go down as well as he’d hoped, it seemed easier to visit home less and less. Emma supported him all the way, but when she died, Julian packed his bags and moved to America. There seemed to be little point in staying, and it was all too appealing to start over as someone new. He’s never regretted his decision. Being alone suits him, for the most part, and the occasional meeting with Caitlin is plenty of socialising, especially when she brings Felicity. The only member of his family he likes to keep in touch with is his only remaining grandparent. Rose and Julian speak on the phone every so often. She’s always accepted Julian just the way he is. He didn’t date much even back in England and apart from a few one-time coffee dates, Aidan was his first stateside relationship. _And look where that got me._

Barry’s lovely, though. It feels good to have a new friend and today was great fun. He could get used to hanging out with this guy. _If only I hadn’t created that awkward moment between us._ It’s not even as if he _wants_ to kiss Barry – he was just _there_. Fortunately he came back to his senses before anything actually happened. Julian’s definitely not looking for another doomed relationship. _No fucking way._

The next two weeks pass in a blur of texts, late-night phonecalls and a string of meetings with Barry. They go for walks, drink coffee or wine, Julian takes Barry on a tough cycling trail, they go and mock a silly movie. Being able to talk to Barry at night makes work more bearable. It brightens his day. It also means he may have been neglecting Caitlin a bit, so before she decides to stage an intervention (an act to which Felicity could definitely bring her), he goes over to her place with wine and apologies. Caitlin’s cooking up a very complicated chicken dish and invites him to stay for dinner. Julian settles down in the kitchen to talk while she cooks.

 

Then Julian’s phone buzzes between them on Caitlin’s kitchen table, and his face lights up in a way she’s never seen before when he reads his text. ‘Hmm,’ Caitlin says pensively. Julian looks up from his phone with a huge smile, his cheeks burning. ‘Who’s that, then?’ Caitlin asks with a grin. ‘Um – a friend.’

‘Oh no no no, I don’t think so. That smile isn’t for _a friend._ ’ Julian doesn’t say anything so she continues, ‘Besides, since when do you have friends in Central City who aren’t me?’

‘It’s Barry. I met him about a month ago.’ Caitlin’s eyes shine with interest. ‘Where?’

‘Library.’ Julian doesn’t seem to be forthcoming about any more details, keeping his eyes on his fingernails. ‘ _And?_ Don’t make me drag it out of you, Julian Albert.’

‘Fine, fine. We’ve been meeting up a lot, maybe twice a week. And we text every day, or talk on the phone.’ Caitlin’s smile is entirely too sweet and understanding when she says, ‘But you’re not dating?’

‘What? No, of course not,’ Julian says, like the idea is ludicrous, like it never occurred to him, like he never wondered, late at night, what Barry’s skin might feel like under his mouth.

‘Because?’

‘Because we’re friends.’

‘ _Bullshit,_ ’ Caitlin says, and it’s so rare to hear her swear that Julian actually looks up and asks her what she means. ‘You know what I think, Julian? I think you’re scared. You like Barry. Barry likes you, judging by how much you’ve been seeing of each other. You’ve dated one person in the past two years – _one._ So it ended badly with Aidan and now you won’t even risk it with someone else, because you don’t want to get hurt anymore.’

‘That’s not true –’

‘Isn’t it?’ Caitlin says softly, then thankfully changes the subject. Julian glances down at Barry’s text. _Dinner tomorrow? My treat x_

No, he wasn’t imagining it. That tiny little kiss really is there, and Julian wonders what exactly it means. Does this indicate a change in their relat – _friendship?_ Probably not. He’ll bet Barry sends kisses to all his friends. They arrange to meet at a new steakhouse Julian’s been meaning to try. He goes home early, telling Caitlin he needs to catch up on some sleep, but it’s no use really, since Barry keeps texting until well after midnight. He’s been viewing apartments but he hasn’t found anything suitable yet.

 

On Friday, Julian works until five o’clock on the dot, then he’s out the door. His boss Spencer shouts after him, asking questions about ‘a hot date’, but he ignores her and strides over to his car. He only has an hour to get showered and changed before meeting Barry, so he tries not to stress about the time. Or the traffic jam he inevitably gets stuck in. Or the fact he forgot to iron his blue dress shirt. Or Merlin demanding copious amounts of attention at this crucial point in time. To be honest, it’s a total nightmare, but very much worth it for the heartfelt ‘You look great,’ Barry greets him with. Yes, the night’s off to a good start.

 

Julian comes home, chucks his clothes off and collapses into bed. He plans to read for a bit, but his thoughts keep drifting to another wonderful evening with Barry. That cute smile plays on his mind, and the way ‘Julian’ sounds in Barry’s voice, and Barry’s long fingers... Julian’s not even aware at first that his hands are drifting over his chest. He reaches out to turn off the light and closes his eyes. _Barry’s right there with him in his head, pulling Julian close and kissing him softly. Moments later, his lips whisper over the skin of Julian’s neck._ Julian whimpers at the image. He drags his fingers down his sides, his skin tingling at the contact. _His nails dig into Barry’s back, pulling him on top of Julian, closer, closer._ Julian’s hand drifts lower, over his stomach and to the waistband of his boxers. _In his mind, Barry does the same, mouthing kisses over every bit of skin he touches. Julian’s breathless by the time Barry’s head dips between his legs to nuzzle at his cock through his pants. ‘Mm, so hard for me, Julian.’_ Julian chokes out a panted breath, squeezing himself through the thin fabric. _Barry, who’s been naked all along, slides off Julian’s final item of clothing._ Impatient, Julian kicks his underwear somewhere to the bottom of the bed. _‘I know what you want,’ Barry mutters, his tongue darting out to meet the head of Julian’s cock. ‘Yes, that’s it, that’s what I want, please, Barry...’_ A shuddering hand closes around his dick and he quickly finds his rhythm. _‘You taste so good,’ Barry says, before swallowing him whole. The slick heat of his mouth... ‘Oh god,’ Julian whispers._ The images he conjures up fuel his desire, and he’s barely aware of the moans escaping him. _He translates them as Barry’s sounds as he happily sucks Julian off. Then there are two wonderfully wet fingers circling his rim, and he can’t hold back any longer. He thrusts up into Barry’s delightful mouth and comes, shuddering violently. ‘Yes, god, Barry!’_ Julian’s come wets his hand and his sheets, and with that, the heated dream is gone. He breaks out of the heady fantasy to find himself unpleasantly sticky. ‘Fuck,’ he mutters, scrambling to find some tissues in the dark. He has to get up to dispose of them anyway, so he pulls on a dressing gown, heads to the kitchen and pours himself a glass of water. He leans against the kitchen counter, sipping slowly, his heart still racing, skin still sweaty.

 

He’s never been so keenly aware of his feelings for Barry as he is now. Sure, Caitlin’s insinuated plenty, and he knows he loves spending time with Barry. But he hasn’t ever had such a vivid fantasy about him before, let alone jerked off to it, and it leaves a sour taste in his mouth. _That can never happen,_ Julian realises with a shock. _Even if Barry’s interested, he won’t last long with someone who doesn’t want to have sex anymore._ He’s sure of that now, sure that he can’t let anyone get close enough to use him again. Then there are _stupid fucking tears_ on his cheeks, and he wipes at them angrily. He’ll simply put Barry out of his head, that’s all there is to it. They can be good friends – great friends. One foolish fantasy late at night doesn’t mean Julian’s falling in love.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

 

It takes Barry until their parting on Sunday night to work up the courage to ask the question that has been on his mind for... weeks, probably. Julian drops him off at home and Barry stays in the car for another few minutes. Julian looks at him expectantly, like he knows what’s coming. ‘Julian, I, er... I totally get it if this isn’t what you’re looking for right now, okay, no hard feelings, but I was thinking – do you want to go on a date with me sometime?’ Julian’s eyes widen in surprise – apparently he didn’t suspect this after all. An uncomfortable silence stretches out between them, and Barry nervously fidgets with his seat belt. Julian doesn’t speak, just stares at Barry in awe. ‘Forget I said anything, I’m sorry, I’ll just go –’ Barry scrambles for the door handle, but then a hand is on his arm, and Julian leans in to press a soft kiss to Barry’s cheek. ‘Yes,’ he says, ‘Yes. I’d love to.’ Barry snorts out a relieved laugh. ‘Okay. I’ll see you for coffee on... Wednesday, if that works for you, and we can talk about our date then?’ Julian nods. ‘Sounds great.’ They look at each other for a few more moments and then Barry laughs and says, ‘I’m going now.’

‘I’m not keeping you,’ Julian says, and it sounds like a blatant lie on so many levels.

 

Barry’s back at Joe’s house, writing up exam questions on his laptop with a large cup of coffee next to his feet on a small table. Iris and Wally corner him effectively by sitting down on the couch on either side of him and offering him some biscuits. ‘What’s up, bro?’ Wally says casually. Barry’s immediately suspicious. ‘Thinking up exam questions.’

‘Summer holidays just started,’ Iris points out.

‘Resits,’ Barry says, ‘If I get them done now, I can take a few weeks’ holiday myself. Or at least a week, what with all the new coursework I still have to prepare for next year.’

‘Hmm,’ Iris says, nibbling a biscuit. ‘See, we were wondering...’

‘Who you might spend that holiday with,’ Wally says. Barry throws them confused looks. ‘Um, we could probably go away together if you like?’ Iris laughs. ‘Isn’t that adorable? He thinks we want to go on a sibling holiday.’

‘Well, don’t you?’ Barry says.

‘You’re busted, brother,’ Wally states clearly.

‘What?’

‘You’ve been seen _all over town_ associating with a handsome young man,’ Iris smirks. Barry rolls his eyes. He should’ve known this was about Julian. ‘Posh boy,’ Wally adds.

‘Wears suits.’ Iris loves men in suits.

‘British accent.’

‘I heard he’s a lawyer.’

‘Woah woah woah,’ Barry cuts both of them off. ‘How do you know all of this?’

‘Oh, Cecile knows him from the DA’s office,’ Joe says in passing. ‘Great,’ Barry mutters.

‘Small town, huh?’ Wally says with a smirk. ‘So, what’s going on?’

‘This is the guy you met in the library, right?’ Iris checks.

Barry sighs. He might as well get it over with. ‘Yes, it’s him. Julian. We’ve been seeing a lot of each other but, y’know, just as friends.’

‘You’re really not dating him?’ Iris says, sounding disappointed. Barry blushes and she pipes up again. ‘Not exactly... not yet. But we are going on a date. This weekend, probably.’

‘Ooo, how exciting! What are you going to wear?’

‘I don’t... I don’t know, I’m not thinking about that yet, Iris!’

‘You should be,’ she says seriously.

‘Can we please talk about something else now?’

‘Fine, fine,’ Iris says, ‘Have you seen Cisco lately?’

‘Uh, no, not really. I know he’s been working on a new project for S.T.A.R. labs. I suppose it’s keeping him busy.’

‘We should all get together sometime. The three of us and we’ll ask Jesse...’

‘Cisco can bring that jerk Hartley if he must,’ Wally says and his siblings laugh. Hartley’s very prickly towards them, but Cisco seems crazy about him nevertheless.

‘Yes, and _you_ can bring your new boyfriend,’ Iris is smirking again.

‘Forget it,’ Barry says, ‘If I introduce him to you lot now he’s never going to kiss me.’

‘Well, that’s insulting,’ Wally says.

‘But I’m glad to hear you have your priorities straight,’ Iris adds with a smile.

 

*

 

That Wednesday, when they meet for coffee, Julian sits Barry down at a small table outside, and says he has an offer to make. Barry appears confused. ‘What kind of offer?’

‘Well, I know you’ve been looking for a new flat.’

‘God, don’t mention it. I saw a place yesterday – it would cost me a fortune in disinfectant to get that clean.’

‘Okay, so Felicity – our barista – you know she’s dating my best friend.’

‘Caitlin, the doctor. Yes.’

‘So those two have been together for approximately nine _hundred_ years, the way I hear them talk...’ Barry laughs. ‘But they’ve finally decided to take the plunge and move in together. Caitlin called the other day to gush about this _perfect cottage_ they found. And that means, Barry, that I know not one but _two_ decent apartments soon to be vacated, and in need of a new tenant.’ Barry’s eyes widen in shock, and a grin breaks through on his face. ‘Are you serious?’

‘Completely. I’ll tell you something else – I asked both of them to take some pictures and write up the details of the place, size, price... all the relevant information. I have it here.’ Julian pulls a small folder from his satchel and hands it over to a beaming Barry. ‘Julian, this is amazing,’ he says, leafing through the pictures. ‘ _Thank you._ ’

Julian winks at him. ‘I take it you’re buying me dinner on Saturday.’

‘Dessert, too,’ Barry says, softly brushing his fingers against Julian’s. Julian smiles.

 

Julian’s nervous. Checks his suit for wrinkles twice, obsessively straightens his tie, brushes cat hair off every available surface, tidies up the flat to an almost clinical degree before deciding it looks too cold, and putting some knick-knacks back where they belong. It’s not the first time they’ve been to dinner together, but it is the first time Barry’s meeting Julian at his flat, and it’s certainly the first time they’re actually calling it a _date._ There’s been a strange tension in their texts lately and now Julian’s stomach is churning and _when is he going to get here?_ Julian’s phone buzzes just as he reaches for it to check the time. Barry’s texted him.

 

_Gonna be a bit later but I’m on my way. See you soon babe x_

 

Barry doesn’t have a car and Julian’s hardly heard any buses drive by in the past hour, so it’s no wonder he’s having trouble getting here in this weather. The rain has been pouring down for hours and there’s a distinct rumbling in the distance. Julian sends off a quick reply to Barry, then grabs the book he’s reading and attempts to settle down on the couch. But there seems to be no calming his nerves tonight. At long last, there’s a knock at the door. The front door of the building must have been open, because Barry never rang the doorbell. Julian drops his book and rushes to the door. Barry’s in the hallway, his jacket, trousers and shoes wet through, his hair and face soaked, a single white rose clutched to his chest.

 

Julian smiles widely. ‘Hi! Come in.’ Barry darts forward to press a quick kiss to his cheek, making Julian blush, and offers him the rose. ‘I ran all the way here from the subway station, but at least the rose is mostly dry.’

‘It’s beautiful. Thank you.’ Julian steps back to let Barry in, and then they both laugh when Barry stands there dripping water all over the wooden floor. ‘Let me just find something to put the flower in,’ Julian says, darting into the kitchen and filling up a long drink glass. He puts the rose front and center on the dining table. ‘So I was thinking,’ Julian says just as lightning flashes outside, quickly followed by a thunderclap, ‘Obviously the weather’s... Well, I know we said we’d go out to dinner but maybe we can stay here? And I can cook up some pasta?’

Barry bites his lip for a moment, warmth flaring up in his eyes as he considers Julian’s offer. ‘That sounds perfect.’

 

And it is, in many ways, a perfect evening. Barry meets Merlin and adores him. They share drinks in the kitchen while Julian cooks the best plate of spaghetti bolognese Barry has ever tasted. ‘Holy shit, are you moonlighting as a chef?’ Julian laughs and regales stories of how his father taught him to cook and it was a slow process but once he got the basics down, he really began to love cooking. He whips up an ice cream dish for dessert and they take it to the red couch in the living room, almost subconsciously sitting down close together. Julian turns down the lights, flicks on the TV and they watch a few episodes of a fairly amusing sitcom. The thunderstorm is still raging outside, the room regularly lit up by lightning casting a strange glow over their faces. Barry’s arm has been around his shoulders for almost an entire episode, and Julian reaches for a blanket and pulls it over their laps, creating an even more homely atmosphere.

 

Julian looks at Barry, the sitcom forgotten, as the other man plays with a few strands of blond hair and gives him a crooked smile. ‘Have I ever told you that I really, _really_ like you?’ Julian says softly, and Barry shakes his head, nudging ever closer to him, leaning in slowly.

 

Then Barry’s kissing him, his mouth so impossibly gentle Julian fears he might cry at this perfect feeling.


	7. Chapter 7

7.

 

Time stands still as they kiss.

 

Barry’s hand comes up to cup the back of Julian’s head. Helpless to resist, Julian flicks his tongue against Barry’s lips, and Barry responds warmly. Eventually they need to pause for breath. They curl up together, Julian’s head on Barry’s chest. ‘Barry?’

‘Mmm?’

‘Do you think we should go on another date?’

‘Maybe,’ Barry says with a grin, entangling his fingers with Julian’s on his chest.

‘How about tomorrow afternoon?’

‘Yes,’ Barry says, ‘But I do have to get some work done. Let me think... if I can drag myself out of bed at a halfway decent hour I should be able to meet up around four. Then we can _hang out,_ as the kids say.’ Julian snorts. ‘Okay.’ He turns over to kiss Barry again, happily melting into his touch.

 

Later, when they’ve settled into each other’s arms after quite a lot of kissing, Barry says he’s thoroughly studied the details of Felicity and Caitlin’s apartments. ‘Good. So what do you think? Want to come see them?’

‘Of course I do. You knew I would.’ He smiles up at Julian, whose fingers are tracing patterns on Barry’s shoulder and arm. ‘They’re pretty similar in size and floorplan, I think,’ Julian says, and Barry nods. ‘The prices are similar too. Caitlin’s is closer to my work than my current place. On the other hand, Felicity’s –’

‘Is only two blocks away from here,’ Julian adds, his heartbeat picking up the pace.

‘Exactly. And I don’t want to sound presumptuous... but I hope we’ll be spending a lot of time together from now on.’

‘God, me too. And if it helps, Caitlin’s flat is on the third floor and there’s no lift. It’s quite a trek to get your groceries upstairs. You could fit half a supermarket in the lift at Felicity’s.’

‘Mm,’ Barry says, ‘I think it all depends on the feel the place gives me when I actually see it, you know? I’m going to view both and then decide.’

‘I can work with that,’ Julian says, kissing Barry’s temple, ‘Okay, I’ll talk to the girls about visiting. Now, what should we do tomorrow?’ They spend a few moments in quiet contemplation before Barry comes up with an idea. ‘Have you ever been out to Archer’s Wood?’ Julian pulls up a mental map of Central City, but he can’t place the name. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of it, to be honest.’

‘It’s a small forest about half an hour out of town. Joe used to take us there when we were kids – it’s beautiful, and quiet.’

‘Alright, let’s go. I’ll pick you up at four.’

‘Great. What time is it?’ Julian glances at his watch. ‘Just gone midnight.’

‘Ugh. I hate to say it, but...’

‘Noooo,’ Julian says, pouting convincingly. Barry laughs and reaches up to kiss him, and that’s another ten minutes gone. Reluctantly they untangle themselves from each other and Barry picks up his coat. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘I thought we’d had fun before, but tonight... That was something else.’

Julian laughs. ‘It’s only the beginning, right?’ Barry nods seriously. ‘Absolutely.’

 

They say goodbye with a lingering kiss on the doormat in the hallway. Eventually, Barry forces himself to leave. ‘Nice catch,’ Julian’s nosy neighbour smirks in passing. Julian responds with a dreamy smile. ‘Isn’t he just?’

 

*

 

Barry wishes he had the guts to dance down the street to the bus stop. The rain has let up and the air smells damp and new. He’s got to wait a while for a night bus to arrive, which makes him think of Felicity’s apartment, a five minute walk away from Julian’s. It would be perfect. Living closer to work would be really good too though. He could sleep in more and go to work on foot. It’ll all depend on the way the apartments feel, then. By the time the bus arrives, Barry’s quite cold, the night chillier than he anticipated. His phone rings just as he steps into his apartment building.

 

**Julian**

_Did you get home okay? X_

Barry smiles. He could get used to Julian worrying about him. He replies as soon as he’s inside his own flat.

 

**Barry**

_Just got here. Thanks for a great night x_

**Julian**

_The first of many, I hope. Now go to sleep so you’ll be ready on time tomorrow x_

**Barry**

_Bossy much? Goodnight x_

 

Barry shoots his reply back with a grin. He putters around for a while getting ready for bed, and reluctantly sets his alarm for eight o’clock. Closing his eyes, he recalls the feeling of Julian’s arms around him, and the knowledge that the other man is thinking about him too sends him off to sleep swiftly.

 

He only hits the snooze button twice the next morning, which counts as a victory in Barry’s book. His kitchen is bathing in early morning sunlight so he opens a window to let some fresh air in. _Lovely day for a trip to the woods,_ Barry thinks as he puts bread in the toaster and scours his cupboards for some marmalade. He mentally runs through his to-do list for today. _Write out correct answers for juniors’ English resits. List target knowledge and skills for freshman geography. Get started on new geography course._ The chances of him finishing all of this by four are very slim indeed but hey, a guy’s new boyfriend takes priority.

 

*

 

Collecting his art supplies is like meditation for Julian. It’s how he gets his creative process started – works every time. He changes into his painting clothes, puts up an empty canvas, organises his brushes by size and his paint by colour. Julian starts off by mixing some different blues and then layers red in slowly, creating an angry sea on his canvas.

 

Julian paints all day, not taking a break until Merlin wanders by on the table, playfully batting at Julian’s paintbrushes. ‘Tss, you know I don’t like it when you do that,’ Julian says, lifting the cat down to the floor. ‘Meow,’ Merlin responds plaintively, winding himself around Julian’s legs. With a fond sigh, Julian puts down his brush to go feed his cat. He makes himself a few sandwiches while he’s at it, and eats them on the couch, thinking about Barry.

 

Four o’clock is rapidly drawing nearer, so Julian gets in the shower and changes into jeans and a T-shirt with sturdy shoes and a warm jacket. Barry’s probably never seen him this casually attired. ‘Catch you later,’ he calls out to Merlin, who’s now curled up in his favourite chair, blinking lazily at Julian.

 

Barry’s leaning against the outer wall of his building, soaking up the sun. His smile widens when Julian pulls up in Rosario. He feels a little hesitant about how to greet Barry, but the other man has no such qualms, climbing into the car and leaning over to kiss him happily. ‘Hi,’ Julian says softly. ‘Why hello,’ Barry responds, pulling back, ‘Ready for a field trip?’

‘You bet,’ Julian says, pulling out into the busy traffic, ‘Show me the way, _Mr Allen.’_

Barry laughs, and starts giving directions.

 

During the drive, Julian catches Barry staring at him several times. A blush threatens to take over his face, so he gestures to Barry’s backpack and says, ‘What’s in your bag?’

‘Sandwiches, a couple of drinks, a pack of cookies –’

Julian grins. ‘You brought a picnic? That’s _adorable._ ’

‘It’s not a picnic!’ Barry seems agitated. ‘I just thought – we might get hungry.’

‘We might,’ Julian agrees, ‘I’m glad you thought of food.’

‘It’s only a picnic if you bring a blanket.’ Barry insists on driving his point home.

‘Oh, but that’s no issue, I have an old blanket in the boot of the car.’

‘God damn it, Julian.’

 

The forest is certainly in a remote location. Barry makes Julian drive down a long lane that appears untouched by human hand, if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a paved road. There are no houses, no cars, no people. Only a handful of trees here and there. ‘I hate to ask,’ Julian says, ‘but are we lost?’

‘No. Just a little further.’ Barry peers down the road, concentrating to make sure he doesn’t miss the sign he’s looking for.

‘In case you’re planning to murder me in a remote forest,’ Julian says in a (perhaps misguided) attempt to relieve the tension, ‘I’d like to point out that I spent two years in the military.’ Barry laughs. ‘What haven’t you done?’

‘Never been to the moon,’ Julian replies immediately.

‘Did you want to?’

‘Of course. I wanted to be an astronaut, like you were going to be a superhero.’

‘And here we are,’ Barry says, ‘Lawyer and teacher.’

‘Funny old world, isn’t it?’ Julian says, just as an ancient wooden sign reading _Ar h r’s Wo d = > _appears by the side of the road. ‘There!’ Barry says, ‘Turn right here. Damn, half the letters have faded since I was last here.’ The road seems to have faded too, reduced to loose gravel leading straight into the woods.

‘Barry, what godforsaken place have you brought us to?’

Barry laughs. ‘Stop worrying, Julian. Where’s your sense of adventure?’

 

It might make Julian nervous to be this far away from civilisation in a car that hasn’t always been a hundred percent reliable, but he can’t argue with the gorgeous nature all around him. Barry confidently leads him through the forest, looking for a place he remembers. ‘There’s a little stream around here somewhere with a clearing... it was so beautiful. This way, I think.’ He pulls on Julian’s hand and they break into a light run just because they can.

 

Then they find the clearing.

 

‘Wow,’ Julian whispers, grinding to a halt under the canopy of trees. Barry’s positively beaming, the sunlight striking his face just so, and they can hear the rush of water from the stream. ‘You like it?’ Barry asks, almost rhetorically. Julian laughs and nods, exploring the clearing.

 

‘Why is it called Archer’s Wood, d’you think?’ Julian asks, patting the trunk of an old tree. Barry knows this, apparently. ‘There’s a local legend about an ancient archer haunting these parts. Don’t worry, I’m sure she _probably_ won’t bother us.’

‘Hmm,’ Julian says, backing Barry up against a tree, ‘Maybe we should make it clear we’re not looking for company. Just in case.’ Barry laughs, surprised, pulling Julian close. ‘Do you get off on ghost stories? Well, that’s good to know.’ Julian stiffens momentarily in his arms, then relaxes again. He gently pushes Barry’s shoulders against the rough bark, and then they’re kissing. Julian leads the kiss, keeping his hands on Barry’s shoulders and stretching out his thumbs to stroke them down his neck. Barry clings to Julian’s waist and happily accepts Julian’s tongue into his mouth.

 

They keep kissing for some time, getting used to each other’s touch. Julian takes a liking to Barry’s neck, slowly moving his mouth down his jaw to press a series of kisses there. Barry can barely suppress a gasp, and Julian laughs, breathless, and brings their mouths together again.

‘You going to use that against me now?’ Barry asks when they pause for breath and Julian’s fingers stay on his sensitive neck. ‘Absolutely,’ Julian replies with warmth in his eyes. Barry runs his hands down Julian’s sides until he touches upon a ticklish spot. ‘Aha,’ he grins. Julian swears under his breath even as he bursts out laughing. By way of a counterattack, he grabs hold of Barry’s wrists to keep him in check while they kiss. ‘Okay, I want that picnic now,’ Julian whispers against his mouth. ‘Yeah? Pity we don’t have that blanket.’

‘None of your snark now, Mr Allen,’ Julian says, shrugging out of his jacket and spreading it out on the sunniest spot in the clearing. Barry gives him a serious look. ‘I think the moss might stain your jacket if you leave it there.’

‘It’s an old coat. I don’t care,’ Julian says, sitting down and stretching out a hand to encourage Barry to join him. They have to sit really close to fit on the jacket without staining their other clothes, but that’s part of the fun. Barry takes out the food and they eat leaning against each other, exchanging smalltalk. Julian finds a packet of sweets in a side pocket of Barry’s backpack and decides to feed his boyfriend some, stroking his fingers over Barry’s mouth. Barry’s not immune to such blatant attempts at seduction, and they’re kissing again soon, moaning softly.

 

Barry and Julian stay in the clearing for another hour, pressed together closely, kissing more often than not, exploring this new and wonderful thing between them. In the early evening, they head back to Central City and get caught in the rush hour traffic.

‘Damn, there go the beneficial effects of our time spent out there,’ Julian grumbles, impatiently drumming his fingers on the wheel until Barry’s hand covers his own, stilling him. ‘It’s okay, love. We have time.’

 

The air in the car feels heavier when Julian glances at Barry, surprised and happy about the term of endearment. Barry gives him a shy smile, and the traffic jam doesn’t matter at all anymore.

 


	8. Chapter 8

8.

 

Come Monday morning, Julian’s walking on a cloud.

 

His favourite coffee has never tasted so rich, toasted bread and butter never so lush. Whatever he throws on looks great, his tie cooperates perfectly and he barely needs to touch his hair. There’s no hint of a traffic jam on his way to work, he gets an actually interesting case on his desk first thing, and Barry occasionally texts him sweet nothings throughout the day. Spencer temporarily busts his bubble when she tells him the deadline on this new case is next week, but then he shrugs and draws up a work plan to get it done in plenty of time. He’s not about to let anything stop him today.

 

When Julian gets home, he feeds Merlin, puts some lasagna in the oven, and calls Caitlin. She answers on the second ring. He leads into the subject by telling her Barry’s interested in viewing both apartments, and then adds, ‘By the way, Barry and I are together now.’ Caitlin reacts with a surprised, undignified squeal, then pulls herself together and grills him on the details of their dates. ‘Well then, how about you and your boyfriend drop by on Wednesday night to view my place, and maybe have a drink?’

‘Okay. I’ll ask Barry if that works for him and let you know.’ Caitlin tells him a bit more about the cottage she and Felicity signed a lease on, and they keep chatting until Julian’s lasagna is ready. Right after dinner, he texts Barry.

 

**Julian**

_Caitlin says grand tour of her place + drinks Wednesday night. OK for you? X_

**Barry**

_Yes. Oh god I’m going to meet your BFF I’m nervous already x_

**Julian**

_Don’t worry. She’ll like you x_

 

‘Oh my god!’ Felicity squeals happily that Tuesday, when Julian and Barry stroll into her coffee shop holding hands. ‘Does Caitlin know about this?’ she demands, hugging Julian tight and then hugging Barry too, because why wouldn’t she?

‘Yes,’ Julian says, laughing, ‘So I’m sorry, you’re too late to break the news.’

‘Damn,’ Felicity pouts, ‘What’ll it be to celebrate? Coffee’s on me today, boys.’

‘Oh, well, in that case, I’ll have something with chocolate, hazelnut syrup and whipped cream,’ Julian says with a smirk. Felicity shakes her head at his decadent demand. ‘Should I chuck in some marshmallows too?’

‘While you’re at it. And Barry will have the same, won’t you, love?’

‘Sure. In fact, leave the coffee out of mine entirely.’

‘You two are going to be on a sugar rush all evening.’

‘Hey, you offered,’ Julian said.

 

Wednesday night, Julian rings the doorbell at seven o’clock sharp. ‘I’m not ready yet,’ Barry calls through the crackling intercom, ‘Come on up to the second floor.’ Julian takes the stairs one floor up and finds himself in a cramped hallway. One of the four doors is ajar, and Barry pulls it open as Julian approaches. ‘Hey, come in.’

 

‘I’m sorry about my... inappropriate attire,’ Barry says as Julian takes note of his bare feet and his dark red bathrobe, tied loosely at the waist and revealing some very enticing skin.

‘I think it’s absolutely _scandalous,_ ’ Julian says, drawing Barry into a hug, ‘to be receiving guests so scantily clad.’ He clearly doesn’t mind in the slightest, because he crowds Barry against the nearest wall and kisses him hard. ‘Mm, Jules,’ Barry mutters into his mouth. The nickname tempts Julian into smiling and sliding one hand underneath Barry’s robe to caress his shoulder. Barry moans and pulls him into the living room, crashing both of them down onto his couch. His bare legs tangle together with Julian’s as they kiss and touch. Eventually, Julian pulls back, out of breath, and Barry says, ‘What time did you tell Caitlin we’d be there?’ They both glance at the large clock on the wall and Julian says, ‘Uh, ten minutes ago.’ There’s some laughter and then Barry’s scrambling up and disappearing down the hall. ‘Just have to get dressed, I’ll be ready in a flash!’ Julian stays seated, using this time to text Caitlin and let her know they’ll be late.

 

*

 

Julian steps on the gas considerably, they have a bit of trouble parking the car, and they’re out of breath by the time they reach the top floor of Caitlin’s apartment building. The hallway is fine, Barry observes. Not too small, nice and clean. Julian knocks on the door and moments later, he disappears into the embrace of his best friend. Caitlin smiles up at Barry, and lets go of Julian to offer her hand to him. ‘Hi, I’m Caitlin.’

‘I’m Barry. Nice to meet you – I heard so much about you.’

‘Isn’t it funny how people always say that?’ Caitlin says with a wink, leading them to her living room. Caitlin likes clean lines, simple designs and the colour white, that much is clear.

 

‘Is Felicity not around?’ Julian asks.

‘No, she’s at archery club. Said she’d drop by after training, though.’

‘Archery?’ Barry says, surprised, ‘Wow.’ Julian and Caitlin laugh.

‘Okay Barry, let me show you around.’

Caitlin’s apartment is spacious and bright, with large skylights and two sizeable bedrooms. The bathroom and kitchen are rather dark though, as there are no windows in either. ‘I know the bathroom is pretty dingy,’ Caitlin says, ‘but at least it’s painted white now. The walls were dark blue when I first came here. It was awful.’

‘To be fair,’ Julian says, ‘Usually there won’t be three people squeezed in here.’

‘Yeah, that is true,’ Barry concedes, ‘But what about the kitchen? It’s long and narrow, I’m not sure if it’s practical for me.’ They head back there.

 

‘Do you cook much?’ Caitlin asks.

‘Well, not like Julian, obviously –’

‘Oh, you’ve had the pleasure,’ Caitlin says, smiling.

‘Hey, I know how to treat a guy,’ Julian interjects. Barry grabs hold of his hand and squeezes it softly, before continuing, ‘But yeah, I do cook most days.’

‘Me too,’ Caitlin says, ‘and I agree it’s a bit cramped, but you get used to it quickly. Felicity and I have often cooked here together, actually.’ They take a look at the small balcony and then Caitlin pours them a drink and serves up some crisps and peanuts.

 

As soon as they’re settled comfortably, Barry’s arm around Julian’s waist, they hear the front door unlock. Moments later, Felicity appears. ‘Hi everyone!’ She drops her handbag and a heavy, large bag on the floor next to the table and pads over to kiss Caitlin enthusiastically. She then turns to Julian and Barry and gives them each a kiss on their cheek. ‘Good to see you somewhere that isn’t my coffee shop, Barry.’ Barry laughs, then points to her bag. ‘Is that your bow?’

‘Yep. Come and see, if you like.’ Within a minute, Felicity is showing him the ins and outs of her black compound bow and Barry is engrossed in the demonstration. Caitlin smiles sweetly at Julian. ‘You’re dating a nerd,’ she says. ‘Yes.’ Julian’s eyes soften when Felicity shows Barry how to draw a bow, and Barry laughs and grunts with effort. ‘Fits right in, doesn’t he?’

 

The two couples lounge around in Caitlin’s flat while day turns to night, talking and laughing. Felicity convinces Barry to give a detailed account of their first date, but he refuses to talk about _the kiss._ ‘Oh, come on, Barry,’ Felicity pouts, ‘I’ll tell you about mine if you tell me about yours.’ Barry grins, because Julian’s vaguely mentioned Felicity and Caitlin’s epic first kiss before. ‘At the top of a Ferris wheel, wasn’t it?’ Caitlin laughs at the face Felicity pulls. ‘Damn. There goes my leverage. Fine, Barry, keep your secrets. I’ll wheedle it out of Julian eventually.’

‘No you won’t,’ Julian says.

‘Takes his secrets to the grave, this one,’ Caitlin says shrewdly. Julian smiles faintly.

 

Around ten, Barry’s phone rings out a cheerful tune. ‘Cisco? At this hour? Sorry guys, I’d better take this.’ Caitlin waves him in the direction of the hallway to answer the phone.

‘Hello?’

Cisco sounds panicked. ‘Barry, I’m in trouble, I don’t know what to – _fuck –_ ’

‘Cisco, what’s wrong?’ Barry’s instantly nervous, because Cisco doesn’t usually sound like this.

‘I locked myself out of the house, what an idiot, I know. Hartley always said I should hide a spare key in the garden – he’s gonna have a field day with this one – and I tried all the locksmiths in the goddamn city but no one’s answering the phone – shit!’

 

Relieved that it’s not something much worse, Barry says, ‘Doesn’t Hartley have a key?’

‘Yes, but he’s out of town. All the windows are shut, I tried. What am I gonna do, Barry?’

‘Okay, don’t worry about it. You can sleep at mine and get a locksmith in the morning.’

‘Oh man, you are a godsend.’

‘But I’m not at home right now, I can – I can try to be there in half an hour.’

‘You’re not at home? On a Wednesday night? This isn’t the Barry I know. Who are you with?’

‘You’ll see soon enough,’ Barry says with a smirk, and hangs up.

 

Stepping back into the living room, Barry says, ‘Hey, I’m sorry, but we have to go – I promised my friend Cisco to put him up for the night, he’s locked out of his house.’

‘Yeah, okay,’ Julian says, ‘We’ll go.’ They say goodbye to Caitlin and Felicity, making plans to view Felicity’s place next week, and head back to Julian’s car.

 

They get in, but Julian doesn’t start the car. Instead, he smiles and leans over to kiss Barry softly, pulling him close in as far as that’s possible with the handbrake knocking into their stomachs. ‘I had fun tonight,’ Barry whispers.

‘Me too,’ Julian says, ‘Absolutely.’ They kiss some more, until Julian pulls back, slightly out of breath, and says, ‘Okay, let’s go. It wouldn’t do to keep your friend waiting for too long.’ Barry smiles and strokes his hand down Julian’s cheek in an endeared gesture.

 

But Cisco’s not there yet when they get back to Barry’s place. He rings the doorbell not five minutes later and bursts in, letting loose a stream of words. ‘Thanks, Barry, I owe you one, man, I don’t even have my car keys with me, had to take the subway, bunch of creeps on there at this hour, and I probably don’t even have enough cash on me to sleep in that dirty motel on Seventh Street, so anyway, what have you been up to –’ They step into the living room, where Julian is reading the titles of Barry’s extensive book collection.

 

Both Cisco and Julian freeze when they’re faced with each other. ‘Mr Ramon,’ Julian says politely. ‘Albert,’ Cisco nods. Barry looks from one to the other. ‘Wait, you know each other?’

‘I did some legal work for S.T.A.R. labs last year,’ Julian replies stiffly.

‘Yeah, and a right cock-up you made of it,’ Cisco mutters.

‘Excuse me?’ Julian says slowly. Barry senses danger and tries to intervene. ‘Guys, come on, easy –’

‘Your boss was criminally negligent, Mr Ramon, and a man died because of it. There was no chance in hell of you winning that lawsuit. I did what I could.’ At this point, Barry realises this is about the accident with the particle accelerator exploding. Cisco’s done a lot of work to reinstate S.T.A.R. labs as a trustworthy institution since then. He opens his mouth to keep discussing, but Barry shuts him up with a look. ‘I think it’s best for everyone if we don’t go into this.’

‘Probably,’ Julian concedes. ‘Fine,’ Cisco says gruffly, ‘New friend, Barry?’

 

Barry coughs, uncomfortable with the unexpected animosity between these two. ‘Uh, boyfriend actually.’ Cisco snorts, apparently amused by this news. Julian’s temper flares up immediately. ‘What? I suppose a second-rate lawyer like me isn’t good enough for Barry?’

‘Actually, I was laughing cause I’d always pegged you as straight. But now that you mention it -’

‘Cut it out, both of you,’ Barry snaps. Julian’s never heard him use that tone of voice before, and it calms him down. ‘I think it’s best if I go now. Goodnight, Mr Ramon.’ They exchange a terse nod and Julian disappears into the hallway. Barry rushes after him. He vaguely hears Cisco close the door to give them some privacy.

 

‘Julian, wait, wait.’ He puts a warm hand on Julian’s arm. ‘What’s happening here? Are you – leaving?’ Barry’s voice cracks on the last word and Julian’s eyes widen when he catches Barry’s meaning. ‘What? No, no, of course not. I have to work tomorrow, I’m not – I’m not walking out on _you,_ Barry.’ To prove his point, he puts his hands on Barry’s cheeks and kisses him deeply. ‘I don’t want to fight with your friend, that’s all. I promise I’ll be back.’ Barry catches Julian in a tight hug and kisses him goodnight.

 

Barry goes back to the sitting room and drops onto the couch next to Cisco without a word. The other man is clearly uncomfortable with what happened.

‘Shit, I’m sorry, Bar. I didn’t mean to spoil your evening.’ Barry sighs, says nothing. ‘I’m just angry because Dr Wells is in prison. It’s not Julian’s fault, I know that.’ He eyes Barry carefully. ‘Was he supposed to sleep over?’

Barry shakes his head. ‘No, er, we’re... new. Very new.’

‘Give me your phone,’ Cisco says, when he’s had enough of Barry’s sad expression, ‘and I’ll apologise to him.’

‘Really?’ Barry’s face clears up.

‘Yeah, c’mon.’


	9. Chapter 9

9.

 

A week later, Barry’s first impression is that Felicity’s flat is as cluttered as Caitlin’s was clean. His second impression is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is the place. He likes everything about it: the large wardrobe in the hall, the combined living room and kitchen, the sleek, modern fireplace, the view of a small park from the balcony four floors up, and the wide hallway leading to the bedrooms and bathroom. Everyone can tell Barry’s smitten with the place. ‘When would you be moving in?’ Felicity asks. Barry tears his eyes off the trees outside and says, ‘I have to leave my flat by September first.’

‘I think that’ll work nicely,’ Caitlin says, ‘We get the key to the cottage on August first, so that gives us two weeks to move out and you two weeks to move in, right?’ Barry nods happily, and Julian pulls him against his side and presses a kiss to his cheek. Felicity’s rooting through several drawers of her desk, leaving even more chaos in her wake when she finally finds what she’s been looking for. ‘Here. My landlord’s number. You better start making arrangements.’

 

The summer goes by quickly. Barry keeps busy preparing for the move and writing his courses while Julian is at work. They spend almost every evening together, strolling by the river, stopping for dinner or drinks, going to the movies or the pool, and quite often they just stay at one of their apartments to talk, play board games, watch TV and kiss.

 

There’s a lot of kissing.

 

Barry finds it refreshing to be with a guy who doesn’t want to sleep with him straight away. It’s much more enjoyable to spend all these wonderful hours together exploring their relationship and it’ll only make the eventual sex more intense. They haven’t really spoken about it, but Julian, too, seems thrilled about their slow progress.

 

Barry, Iris and Wally drive to Coast City for a long weekend of sibling bonding. Admittedly, their bonding mainly involves eating, drinking and lazing around, but it’s very relaxing and Barry takes a ton of awkward selfies to send to Julian. Iris and Wally tease him about missing his boyfriend and list ever more outrageous reasons why Barry hasn’t introduced Julian to them yet. ‘Is he a known criminal? Has Dad arrested him?’ Iris asks with a twinkle in her eyes.

‘No, I expect he’s married to someone else. A _woman!’_ Wally exclaims like he’s never heard anything so scandalous in his life. Iris shakes her head. ‘It could be something much simpler. Maybe Julian is painfully shy. We know he’s not ugly, because Cecile told us he really does look like his profile picture...’

‘God!’ Barry says, exasperated, ‘ _This_ is why I haven’t introduced him, you two simply can’t behave when it comes to my relationships.’

‘Oh come on,’ Iris pouts, ‘We’re just concerned siblings.’

‘Concerned? You two love to torture me, that’s what I know.’ They all laugh. ‘I’ll bring him to the Christmas party,’ Barry says eventually, an event suitably far in the future so Julian might be resistant to their teasing by then. ‘I suppose we’ll take that if it’s the best we’re going to get,’ Wally sighs, faking reluctance.

 

*

 

For the first time in his life, Julian truly feels like he’s won the lottery. The weather is nice, his job has become more interesting lately, he’s spent quite some time drawing with Merlin napping on his lap, and he even signed up for an advanced horseback riding course on a whim. He wasn’t sure about the _advanced_ part at first, but the instructor let him ride a horse so she could see his skills, and she said he wouldn’t have a problem. It might have been a while, but Julian still knows how to communicate with a horse, especially the kind-hearted mare he now rides every week. Barry was thrilled to hear about this and he occasionally accompanies Julian to the riding school.

 

Barry, it must be said, occupies much of his time and most of his thoughts. It feels unreal, the two of them together. Almost too good to be true. _The honeymoon period,_ Caitlin calls it lovingly. Except that they’re missing out on one thing typically involved in honeymoons.

 

He’s aware, of course, that he can’t avoid this problem forever. At some point, Barry _will_ want more than kissing and touches that rarely reach under their clothes, and Julian doesn’t know if he’ll be able to give more. Barry’s soft touches and whispered endearments are a world away from Aidan’s crass idea of seduction, but still the fear of being used and humiliated like that again clings to Julian’s heart.

 

July turns to August and Julian happily helps Barry pack up his stuff for the move. They’ll be able to fit everything in Julian’s car if he makes the trip a few times, and Cisco’s offered to borrow the S.T.A.R. labs van to move the furniture so Barry doesn’t need to rent a moving van. Cisco and Julian have been nothing but polite to each other when they’ve occasionally met.

 

For Julian’s birthday, Barry buys him a simple, beautiful watch. Julian wasn’t expecting a gift at all, and his whole face lights up when he’s handed a small gift-wrapped box. ‘Happy twenty-seventh,’ Barry says, ‘I noticed you never wear one.’

‘Barry,’ Julian breathes, awestruck, ‘It’s gorgeous, it’s... but it’s too much.’ Barry laughs. ‘Relax, Julian. I bought it at the mall, it’s not some ridiculously expensive designer watch.’ Relieved, Julian smiles. ‘Thank you. Mine broke and I never replaced it.’ He pulls the watch out of its box and allows Barry to put it on him with his gentle hands.

 

Caitlin and Felicity move into their charming cottage and have Barry and Julian over for a housewarming party that lasts until three in the morning, even if there’s only four of them. Fortunately, Julian had counted on the copious amounts of booze his friends would serve, and he’d insisted on coming by taxi. Presumably the taxi driver who has to put up with Barry and Julian giggling and making out in the backseat is less pleased with this turn of events.

 

Barry takes Julian to the beach several times. They make a day of it, catching the train to Coast City instead of driving, bringing snacks, lounging around on the beach until it gets too hot and then heading into the water for a swim. The first time they’re in the ocean together, Barry wraps his arms around Julian’s waist, puts his chin on the smaller man’s shoulder, and says, ‘Look at that. Nothing but water, all the way to Europe.’

Julian laughs. ‘Think we can see England from here?’

‘I’ll bring binoculars next time,’ Barry says seriously. Then, ‘Have you been back since you moved here?’

‘A few times, but it’s never a great success when I visit my parents. It’s like Emma kept our family together and now we no longer have anything to say to each other. Especially since they’re not exactly cool with this.’ Julian gestures to Barry’s tight hold on him.

‘Do you get lonely?’ Barry drops a kiss on his shoulder as he asks. Julian shrugs. ‘I’ve always been good by myself. I don’t really mind.’ He snorts briefly. ‘Plenty going on inside my own head, you know?’ He turns around to meet Barry’s mouth, the water lapping at their hips as they kiss.

 

Julian invites Barry to a concert by an indie rock band he really loves. Having never heard of _Castle Rock Township MN_ before, Barry does a bit of research online and decides their music is fine, if not entirely to his taste. Seeing the band live does wonders for his opinion, though. ‘God they’re good,’ he whispers into Julian’s ear during a short interval. ‘Told you, didn’t I?’ Julian replies swiftly. They’re at a small concert venue in a suburb, and it makes sense. Barry can’t see Julian enjoying himself pressed inbetween thousands of people at a festival. The music is soft and wistful and pretty depressing. It claws at his heart and soul and he can see tears on Julian’s cheeks. Worried, he turns to his boyfriend, but Julian waves him off. ‘I just _feel_ a lot sometimes, it’s okay.’ Julian hasn’t been to many concerts, so he’s not very familiar with the thrill of live music – he was unprepared for the way he would feel it all the way down to his toes. But he’s happy that he _can_ feel it this way.

 

Julian’s thrilled about the total solar eclipse taking place near the end of the summer. He planned to take the day off months ago, pouted at Caitlin until she agreed to let him hang out in her garden instead of joining a mass gathering of people or trying to watch it from his balcony, and gushed to Barry until he shared his boyfriend’s enthusiasm. Now they’re comfortably settling into two lounge chairs in the lush garden of Caitlin and Felicity’s cottage. It’s late afternoon, they’ve got protective glasses, drinks and snacks, and most importantly of all: the sun’s out. ‘We’re not likely to see this ever again,’ Julian reiterates and Barry smiles at him, raising his glass of orange juice in a toast. ‘To us.’

‘Absolutely,’ Julian agrees, and they lean back to watch the sun disappear slowly, their fingers entangled in the grass between their chairs. The air grows darker and all the birds go eerily quiet when the eclipse nears its totality. There’s an almost magical moment when the sun is totally gone before a ring of light bursts out. Barry barely notices Julian harshly squeezing his hand. Both men are completely awed by the spectacle in the sky. Felicity joins them as soon as she gets home from work, flat on her back in the grass. Nobody says a word until the sun is halfway to reappearing. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ Barry whispers, and his two companions can only agree wholeheartedly.

 

Early that night, Julian calls his grandmother, positively itching to tell her about the eclipse. Rose is the person who taught him how to watch the stars, after all. She’s enthusiastic about his report, and asks what he’s been doing this summer. ‘Painting, working, I finally got back to riding a horse. And I’ve spent a lot of time with Barry.’

‘Of course,’ Rose says brightly, ‘Your _friend_ Barry.’

And Julian laughs, and tells her everything.

 

Barry moves to Felicity’s old apartment on a clear Monday morning in late August. Cisco’s already brought most of the furniture over during the weekend, and Julian and Barry spent their Sunday evening picnicking in the middle of Barry’s now almost empty living room. There was definitely a certain romance to this, even if making out on the floor wrecked their backs. ‘God we’re getting old,’ Barry muttered, ‘I used to do all my best work sitting on the floor surrounded by books.’ Julian laughed, and suggested they move to the bedroom for comfort, then blushed and added, ‘I really mean for comfort, not for sex.’ Barry smiled and nodded, dropping down on his bed and pulling Julian on top of him.

 

The memory still makes Julian a little nervous. It really did sound like he was propositioning Barry, and he doesn’t mean to lead him on. Sooner or later, this situation will boil over, and he already fears that confrontation won’t end well. But for now, it’s a brand new day as he loads boxes full of Barry’s wordly possessions into Rosario and drives to Mermaid Lane, which is a gorgeous address that Julian, who lives on Fifty-Fourth Street, can only be jealous of. Barry’s still at his old place packing up the last things and taking strange, wistful pictures of an empty apartment, but he’s given Julian the keys. He gutsily parks right in front of the door, crosses his fingers so no police will pass by and fills the lift up with boxes. A woman with a noisy child pushes her way in at the last minute and glares at Julian for taking up so much space. ‘Sorry about that,’ Julian says brightly, ‘I’m helping my boyfriend move in.’ Bad call, apparently, as the woman’s expression turns downright angry. Brilliant – Barry hasn’t even moved in yet and Julian’s already met a homophobic neighbour. Fortunately she gets out on the second floor.

 

Well, if he’s carrying boxes in anyway, Julian might as well take them into the correct rooms while he’s got them. Barry’s neatly marked every box, so it’s easy enough to do. He hasn’t been to Felicity’s place often, so it’ll be easy to adapt to the idea of Barry living here instead, close to Julian. Within reach whenever they want – the sense of freedom makes his head spin. They’ve been together for two months now, an occasion they marked with a stupidly expensive dinner at a place Barry’s sister recommended for ‘special dates’. They’re not likely to go back – the bill almost brought tears to their eyes and the pathetic amount of food actually left them hungry at the end of the night.

 

 _No, the second part of that date was much better_ , Julian muses as he locks up the flat to go fetch Barry and the rest of his stuff. He recalls them making out on that infernal red couch of his (it always seems to set them off) for hours. _Barry’s fingers gently creeping under his shirt, brushing his nipples, that delicious mouth moving over his neck as Julian arches into his touch and pleads for more._ Julian probably shouldn’t be thinking about this while he drives, because it’s very distracting.

 

‘Ready to go?’ Barry’s on the balcony, admiring the old view for the last time, and he beckons Julian over, wanting to kiss him in here once more. Julian goes willingly and they melt together, out there in the fresh air not far above street level. It feels surprisingly exhibitionistic and free. Then Julian’s leading him inside, picking up the final two boxes, and Barry follows him. He turns off the light, and closes the door behind them.


	10. Chapter 10

10.

 

It’s the first week of September and the weather is downright dreary. Barry pulls the hood of his sweater over his head and rushes through the rain to get to Julian’s place quickly. Bless his new flat being so close to his boyfriend’s. He already knows they’re going to take advantage of this every chance they get. He’s lucky tonight – the front door of Julian’s building is unlocked, so he doesn’t have to wait outside for Julian to buzz him in. Barry goes straight upstairs.

 

‘Hi,’ Julian says, ‘Come in.’ Barry leans in to peck him on the mouth and give him a hug. He feels tense in Barry’s arms. ‘Be warned, I had a shit day at work.’ Barry smiles. ‘That’s okay. I’m probably not gonna hate you for being in a mood.’ Julian grabs hold of Barry’s hand and leads him to his red couch. They settle down and Julian crawls into Barry’s arms. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Barry says softly, pressing a kiss to his temple. Julian shakes his head. ‘I’d rather just forget all about it. How was your day?’

‘Fairly ordinary. Sent two kids to the principal for fighting. He gave them detention that _I_ have to supervise tomorrow. I might make them do a bunch of screenshots of my Powerpoints, you know how I hate doing that.’

‘That sounds like a plan,’ Julian agrees, ‘Oh, how did your class on healthy food go?’ Barry snorts. ‘Fine, up until the point when a student spotted the Mars bars in my bag. That put a bit of a dampener on the whole thing.’ Julian laughs heartily. ‘I told you before, you need to get a box to put your sweets in. Now you just sound like that teacher who says _Do as I say, not as I do._ ’

‘That’s cause I _am_ that teacher. God, those Mars bars were good, even after seeing an hour long documentary about the detrimental effects of sugar on our health.’

‘It’s all just twisted statistics, anyway, isn’t it?’

‘Absolutely,’ Barry says, both of them lying through their teeth. ‘This is making me hungry.’

‘I’ve got some chocolates stashed away,’ Julian says, getting up to fetch them from the kitchen. Chocolate makes everything better, so Julian talks about his bad day, snuggling up to Barry, who can tell he’s still tense. Then he gets an idea.

 

‘Remember that time you talked me to sleep? When we’d only just met?’ Julian laughs. ‘Yes. You were so weirded out.’

‘Yes, I was. But you helped me unwind. And now I want to help you unwind.’

Julian bites his lip and gives Barry a curious look. ‘How?’ Barry strokes a single finger down Julian’s spine, evoking a shudder from the other man. ‘Would you like a massage?’ He hesitates for only a moment before saying, ‘Yes. I’d love that.’

‘Okay, lie down on your stomach.’ Julian kicks off his slippers and settles comfortably on the sofa, his head on a pillow and his feet on the armrest. Barry tries to figure out multiple ways to do this but he can only think of one, so he says, ‘The easiest way is if I straddle you. Is that okay?’ Julian snorts out a laugh. ‘Only if you take your shoes off.’ Barry takes his socks off, too, just for good measure. He moves around a bit until he’s comfortably seated across Julian’s hips, and slides his hands over his shoulders. With slow, confident movements he works Julian’s muscles loose through the silky fabric of – well. This would work better skin-on-skin. That’s just... science. It’s not a lame excuse at all.

 

Barry bends over and hears a sharp intake of breath. ‘Can I take your shirt off?’ Barry breathes into his ear, and Julian nods, shivers when Barry’s hands slide under him to unbutton the shirt. His fingers brush Julian’s chest in all manner of delicious ways as he works his way down. It’s not easy to take a shirt off someone who’s lying down this way, but their laughter and twisting movements serve to break the heavy tension between them. _Keep it together, Barry. You promised him a massage._ They return to their previous positions. Barry hasn’t seen Julian’s naked back since they went to the pool, and this time he’s allowed to _touch._ That thought stirs heady anticipation in his gut even as he reaches out to trace Julian’s shoulderblades with his fingers. Barry pays careful attention to Julian’s reactions as he kneads the other man’s back. At first he just sighs happily, but as he becomes more relaxed, he lets out a few almost-moans and then when Barry strokes his spine, a whimper that will be Barry’s undoing. He loses his focus and leans forward, registering a soft gasp from Julian and then an actual moan when Barry kisses the top of his spine. He keeps at it, slowly tracing a path all the way down Julian’s back with his mouth, his nose, and his hands. Julian’s soft, pleased whimpers fuel the heat spreading through Barry’s body.

 

He moves back up, occasionally flicking his tongue against heated skin, Julian becoming ever more responsive. When Barry reaches his neck and peppers it with kisses, Julian groans and twists his head around, angling for a kiss. Barry gladly obliges, kneeling up to let Julian turn over so they can kiss comfortably. Julian slides his tongue into Barry’s mouth, his hands under Barry’s shirt, his bare feet over Barry’s. He then pulls back a fraction, keeping Barry’s shirt bunched in his fists, and breathes, ‘I want to see you, too.’ Quickly, Barry sits up and throws off the offending item of clothing. Julian’s strong arms pull him back down so their naked chests press together at last, and everything becomes a blur of heat, skin, hands and mouths. Barry won’t let himself touch anywhere below the belt, even though he can feel Julian is hard and wanting just like he is, and he’s not sure if taking it slow is really the best thing for them... But then Julian stops moving beneath him and lets out a broken whimper before saying urgently, ‘Stop, Barry, we have to stop.’

 

Barry stills instantly, taking some of his weight off Julian. ‘Are you okay?’ he says, breathing heavily, his voice thick with concern. Julian nods, his eyes closed as if he’s afraid of what Barry might see in them. ‘Yes. I’ll be fine. I’m sorry, I just got... overwhelmed. I need a bit of space to wrap my head around this.’

‘Do you want me to go?’ Barry says. Julian’s eyes fly open. ‘No. No, stay. Let’s just watch a movie or something.’

‘Okay,’ Barry says, getting up and putting his shirt back on. He hands Julian his own burgundy dress shirt and then reaches for the TV remote. At least Julian’s not mad at him, judging by the way he cuddles up close to Barry for the remainder of the evening. Barry brushes his fingers through Julian’s hair tentatively, trying to soothe, trying to tell him _it’s alright._ ‘Julian,’ he says after a while, ‘Your tattoo, what does it mean?’ He’s referring to the tiny infinity symbol on Julian’s left shoulder – his only tattoo, as far as Barry has seen. Julian gives him a sad smile. ‘Emma and I, we always said we’d love each other to infinity and beyond. So when she died... Well, it seemed appropriate.’ Barry nods, shifts in his seat so he can push the waistband of his trousers down a bit to reveal two names intricately entangled on his left hip. Julian leans forward to study the tattoo. ‘Henry and Nora. Your parents?’

‘Yes. Isn’t it funny that we both have memorial tattoos?’

‘It’s sad that we both need them,’ Julian says, and that’s the last they say about the subject that night.

 

Over the next two weeks, getting shirtless together quickly becomes a part of their increasingly heated relationship that neither of them would want to miss. There is suddenly so much more skin to explore that it seems overwhelming at first, but they have time, lots of it. Julian seems to crave Barry’s touch to an almost scary degree now. Barry can’t be sure how, but he must have finally earned Julian’s trust.


	11. Chapter 11

11.

 

It’s Saturday afternoon, and Barry has, at long last, agreed to pose for Julian. It took some convincing, since Barry hates sitting still, but once Julian told him he could just correct tests and he’d draw him while he worked, Barry gave in. He’s nearly done with his correction work now, which hasn’t happened in a while (roughly since he started seeing Julian) and Julian’s still working on his drawing, his sketchpad on his lap and a large collection of pencils strewn all around him. ‘How does it look?’ Barry says curiously. ‘Nearly done,’ Julian replies distractedly, adding some more shading. He collects his pencils from all over the couch and puts them back in their pencilcase. ‘Here, you can look now.’ He passes the drawing over. It’s unmistakeably Barry, caught en profil with his red pen touching the corner of his mouth, a little frown marring his forehead, and a small mark on his neck. ‘You drew the –’ Startled, Barry brings his fingers up to his neck to touch the bruise Julian left there last night. ‘You drew the hickey?’ Julian coughs, averting his eyes, and sputters, ‘Yes, well, it’s a portrait, I drew you the way you look to me right now –’ Barry cuts him off with a kiss, wrapping Julian in his arms. ‘How very kinky of you,’ he says with a wide grin. Julian laughs, kisses him back and happily lets Barry push him down on the couch. As usual, the situation escalates quickly.

 

How many times have they made out on this couch or the one in Barry’s apartment? How many times have they started something Julian never let them finish? How many times have they been here, tangled up with hands and legs everywhere, undoing buttons and pulling at clothes? More importantly, how long will Barry still be prepared to put up with this without anything actually happening between them? Julian grows restless under Barry’s ministrations. He knows the telltale hitch in Barry’s throat, the darkened colour of his eyes, the way his hands squeeze at Julian’s hips. All these things only emphasise how turned on Barry is, and Julian’s not even quite sure why he does it, but he tangles his fingers in Barry’s hair and pushes him down to his chest. Barry doesn’t hesitate, he simply sets about marking Julian’s skin with lovebites. ‘I want you,’ Julian groans. Barry briefly pulls away from his onslaught on the other man’s collarbone. ‘Yeah?’ he says softly. Julian nods, nerves coiling in his gut. Barry leans in for a kiss, then pulls him upright. ‘Take me to your bedroom.’

 

Julian’s forcing the issue. He knows he is – he knows this venture is destined for disaster, but still he keeps hold of Barry’s hand, leading him down the hallway. Still he keeps hold of the hope that all his problems will solve themselves once they’re finally naked together. He falls back onto the bed easily, dragging Barry along to settle on top of him, and they kiss deeply. Barry is as gentle and caring as ever, slowly undressing Julian and exploring every inch of his skin. ‘So beautiful,’ he mutters into the trail of blond hairs on Julian’s stomach. ‘Been wanting to do this for so long, Jules, you have no idea.’ Julian chokes out a laugh. Panic rises in his veins. _Oh shit no not now fuck what am I going to do._ He’s never had this problem before, _didn’t panic when Aidan was undressing me, didn’t even panic during sex, not until after..._ He’s breathing heavily, and he knows Barry will only translate this as excitement as he moves his head down to nip at the skin of Julian’s inner thighs, his hands tracing a path just underneath the waistband of his pants.

 

He needs to stop this. He has to say it whether he wants to or not. ‘Barry,’ he says, and it comes out as a small whimper. ‘I can’t – please.’ Barry pulls away with worried eyes. ‘Julian?’

‘I _can’t,_ ’ he begs, ‘Don’t make me.’ He knows Barry doesn’t understand, he can see his own panic reflected on Barry’s face and wipes at the tears escaping his eyes. ‘Julian, no, of course I won’t make you do anything you don’t want.’ He rolls off Julian, settles down next to him and tries to soothe his inexplicable panic. ‘What’s wrong?’ Barry asks gently. Julian doesn’t know what to say, so he keeps quiet. Barry’s stroking his arm now, up and down in a rhythmic motion, and suddenly, Julian finds his touch unbearable. He sharply jerks his body away from Barry’s. ‘Stop it,’ he snaps, and he can see Barry’s eyes go cold.

 

Ten minutes later, Julian’s listlessly picking up his clothes from all over the place. He tried, and he _choked,_ and now he feels so goddamned alone. Barry’s gone, and _you can’t just go around calling a guy you kicked out of your bed_. Barry’s angry, and he won’t have a clue what went wrong, he only knows that Julian freaks out every time things get heated between them. And he looked so _hurt_ when Julian begged Barry not to make him talk about it. ‘Don’t you trust me?’ he said, with tears in his eyes. Julian turned away to hide the fact he was crying, too, and the next thing he heard was the door to his flat falling shut. And only _then_ had Julian whispered, ‘No, Barry, please stay.’ _Too late, always too late._

 

Caitlin comes over and asks no questions. She can’t bear to see him panicking like this, shaking and crying and curled up on the couch. She asks him if he has any medication that will help him ‘calm his shit down’ and he tells her the name of his over-the-counter tranquillisers. She makes him swallow two, tells him to keep drinking water, and says he needs to eat. ‘Not hungry,’ he mutters, but Caitlin drags him into the kitchen and says, ‘I’m going to cook, so suck it up.’ It is admittedly quite calming to watch her open all his cabinets and pull out ingredients. ‘Pasta, that’s a good start. Bacon, excellent. Julian, if we don’t eat these mushrooms right now, they’ll probably grow an entire subculture in your fridge –’

‘I tried to have sex with Barry,’ Julian says out of the blue, cutting her off.

 

He keeps staring at the kitchen table while Caitlin puts down the mushrooms and turns to face him. ‘You tried?’ He nods. ‘I couldn’t, I... I freaked out. As you can see.’

‘But you’re crazy about Barry. And you’ve had sex before. What changed?’

‘Look, Cait, something happened with Aidan. I’m – I’ve been pretty fucked up since.’

Her eyes are gentle, full of affection. ‘I suspected that.’

‘I’ll slice the mushrooms if you whip up some tomato sauce,’ Julian tells her firmly, but Caitlin’s not worried. She knows he’s not done talking, just wants something to keep his hands occupied. And it’ll probably help if she turns her back to him, so she starts frying up the bacon with an onion and half a carrot she found in the fridge. ‘You probably knew this before I did, but I only dated Aidan because it was convenient. He was just there, and he wanted me, so why not? It seemed better than being alone. It wasn’t.’ He harshly chops a mushroom in half. Caitlin doesn’t mind. Messy spaghetti seems to be exactly what Julian needs right now. ‘It had been weeks, and I could tell he was getting impatient, I... I figured if I didn’t sleep with him soon, Aidan would walk away and never look back.’

‘Did he seem like that type?’ Caitlin asks, searching for a tin opener. ‘I guess?’ Julian sounds unsure. ‘He was very physical so... Always feeling me up when we kissed. He wasn’t a very good kisser. But he was nice enough and I couldn’t put it off forever.’ Julian drops the knife on the table. There’s a dish full of uneven mushroom slices in front of him and Caitlin takes it away, handing him a small block of cheese. ‘Here. Grate this up, it’ll work with the sauce.’ She adds the mushrooms to her fry-up and waits for Julian to continue.

 

‘I took him home and he got straight down to business. Like he thought us making out the weeks before counted as foreplay. I’ve never felt so... used. Humiliated. We were supposed to be in a budding relationship and it felt like he didn’t give a fuck about me.’ Caitlin pushes her sauce pan off the stove and envelops him in a tight hug. ‘I didn’t know. I’m so sorry, Julian.’

‘Not your fault,’ he whispers. ‘I kicked him out straight after.’

‘You should’ve kicked him out _during,_ ’ Caitlin says fiercely.

‘I was _too fucking polite._ ’

‘See, this is where your British nature gets you in trouble.’ She’s happy to see that remark gets a tiny smile from Julian, so she goes back to the stove and keeps an eye on the pasta she set to boil earlier. ‘What’s it like with Barry?’ Caitlin asks as Julian pulls out plates and cutlery to set the table. ‘Completely different,’ Julian assures her, ‘He drives me crazy, he’s so slow and careful about... _everything._ We kissed and touched for ages and then I told him I wanted more and he turned me on so much but... I just... I kept thinking about what happened with Aidan, and I got scared, and lashed out at Barry. And then he got angry, of course, who could blame him? I don’t know what to do.’ Caitlin fills up two plates with pasta and sauce, puts them down on the table and says, ‘Yes, you do. You need to tell him.’

‘What? No. I can’t.’

‘Julian,’ Caitlin says, very seriously, ‘You’re in love with Barry. Yes?’

‘Yes.’

‘You want to build a long-term relationship with him.’

‘Yes.’

‘Then you need to tell him everything you just told me, so that Barry understands what’s going on, so you two can work it out together.’

‘He’ll leave me,’ Julian says, so quiet she can barely hear it. ‘If he does,’ Caitlin says, ‘he’s not worth your time. But I don’t believe that he will. Not for this. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and it’s about much more than sex for him. So here’s what you’re going to do.’ Julian looks at her expectantly. ‘Eat this delicious food that I cooked you, obviously. And then you’re going to call Barry, and ask him to meet you tomorrow, and you’re going to talk it out. Oh and Julian? You can bet your ass that I’m going to call you tomorrow night to check on the situation.’ Julian smiles, swallows a forkful of Caitlin’s admittedly tasty pasta, and says, ‘Thanks, Caitlin.’

 

When Caitlin leaves, Julian glances at the clock, then fights with his more cowardly side for a while. The side that tells him to leave it until tomorrow or the day after. The side that believes everything will go back to normal if they don’t mention it anymore. But then Caitlin’s voice is in his head, and she won’t stand for procrastination, not this time. Julian calls Barry, takes a deep breath and says, ‘I think I’m ready to talk.’


	12. Chapter 12

12.

 

Barry readily agrees to come over on Sunday morning and assures Julian he’s not angry anymore, just worried. As soon as Julian opens the door, Barry catches him in a tight hug right there on the doormat. ‘I’m so sorry,’ Julian whispers, ‘Barry, I –’

Barry kisses him. ‘Ssh, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologise. I shouldn’t have walked out, _I’m_ sorry –’ Julian smiles at him even though he’s tearing up. ‘Let’s not just stand here, come in, come in.’

 

Barry’s determined not to push Julian. Whatever it is that happened yesterday, it’s obvious that his boyfriend isn’t keen to talk about it. He needs to take a step back and wait for Julian, coax it out of him gently. So they settle down on the couch and Julian picks up a book while Barry just sits and thinks for a while.

 

He feels like something’s niggling at the edge of his mind, a detail from their first meeting that he just can’t keep hold of. He pictures Julian sitting down across from him in the library, looking sad, wearing a comfy sweater, his small beard unable to hide a –

‘Hickey,’ Barry says out loud, startling Julian, who’s reading, curled up against Barry’s side. ‘What?’

‘You had a hickey the first time we met,’ Barry says, his eyes dead serious.

‘I – so what?’

‘You had a hickey,’ Barry says slowly, recalling more details, ‘and you looked like you’d had a rough night.’ Julian stiffens and pulls away slightly. ‘Yeah, I had sex the night before we met, how is that relevant?’

‘I don’t know, Julian. You tell me, because the look on your face certainly indicates that it _is_ relevant.’ Julian sighs and says nothing.

‘I know something happened to you. You tense up every time I touch you, every time things get heated between us. I am _in love with you_ , Julian. I want this to work. Please, will you talk to me?’

‘I can’t,’ Julian whispers, and then there are tears in his eyes again, and Barry’s holding him like the world’s ending. They stay right where they are, cradled in each other’s arms, until Merlin tries to jump onto Julian’s lap and they both snort out a laugh at his misguided attempt.

‘Poor Merlin,’ Barry says, ‘I’m always monopolising you, he must feel left out.’ He gives Julian some space to pull the cat into his lap and they both start petting him.

 

Keeping his eyes on Merlin, fingers stroking his fur over and over, Julian finally talks.

‘I was seeing this guy at the time, Aidan. He worked in advertising. I met him when I briefly signed up to a gym.’ At Barry’s surprised look, Julian adds, ‘ _Very_ briefly. We were doing okay – he was more into it than me. The night before we met, I took him home for the first time.’ Barry sucks in a sharp breath and squeezes Julian’s shoulder. ‘I didn’t really feel like sex, but it seemed like the right thing to do, I guess? I thought it would be alright once we got going.’

‘But it wasn’t alright?’

Julian scoffs, shaking his head. ‘No. I hated it. And Aidan – he didn’t notice. Or he didn’t care. He just kept going and then afterwards I broke up with him.’

‘Julian, I’m so sorry.’

‘Then the next day I met you and I’m fucking _crazy_ about you, Barry. But I’m so afraid to end up in that situation again that I just...’

‘I understand,’ Barry says, ‘I understand now.’

 

*

 

Julian relates the further details of the experience with some difficulty, but it gets easier as they go along. It feels like this is the moment where a therapist might write _breakthrough_ in their file. He almost feels... elated, now that he’s finally talking. Barry pulls him closer and as they sit together with a cat sprawled over both of their laps, Julian’s mood switches back to scared and nervous. ‘So yeah, that’s... that’s how it is. That’s why I can’t – yeah.’

‘Ssh, ssh, Julian. It’s okay. We’ll figure it out. It’s okay. I promise.’

‘There’s nothing _to_ figure out. I’m broken. You’re better off without me.’

‘Oh no you don’t,’ Barry says fiercely. ‘You are _not_ broken, and you’re not running away from this.’

‘I’m not trying to run! It’s just – when I feel like I’m being pressured into sex, even if that’s not your intention at all, even if you’re just...’ Julian flushes beet red before saying, ‘Excited. I get so mad, I can’t help it, and I’m afraid that I might... _snap,_ and say or do something to hurt you. So it’s safer not to let it come to that, I guess. I don’t know.’

‘You’re strong,’ Barry tells him, ‘You don’t know how strong you are.’ Julian smiles vaguely at that, scratching Merlin’s chin and marvelling at the sound of his purr.

‘Where do we go from here, then?’ he says, terrified of the answer, ‘I get it if this is... too much. If you want to leave, I –’ Barry’s fingers grip his own tightly. ‘No, Julian. I don’t want to leave you, not at all. Listen.’ Julian looks up at him, meeting Barry’s eyes with a deep vulnerability in his own.

 

‘ _Being_ with you is the most important thing. I mean, yes, I want to sleep with you, cause I’m in love with you and you’re gorgeous. But from here on out, you decide what happens next, okay? Sex is not a dealbreaker for me. We can do whatever you’re comfortable with and leave the rest.’ Julian’s staring at him with wide eyes. ‘Are you saying you’d give up sex – for _me?’_

Barry gives a slight nod. ‘Looks that way, doesn’t it?’

‘But Barry, wouldn’t you rather be with someone else, I mean, you have needs, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to –’

‘Don’t worry about me, I have a vivid imagination,’ Barry says with a smile, then turns serious again, ‘And no, I wouldn’t want to be with _anyone_ else, let’s be very clear about that.’

 

Then Julian’s arms are tight around him, and they’re kissing, more heartfelt than ever before. Neither of them notice Merlin jumping off their laps with an indignated growl, because Julian’s heart is racing and Barry’s fingers are keeping a tight grip on the back of his head and they’re drowning in one another.

 

It feels like hours have passed when they come up for breath, Julian’s hands firmly lodged underneath Barry’s best Sunday T-shirt and Barry’s fingers still working on the third button of Julian’s silk dress shirt. ‘Would you like to go out for lunch?’ Barry asks even as he sneaks a hand into the open shirt. Julian chokes out a little moan and pulls Barry into a messy kiss. ‘Sure,’ he says, ‘but there’s no rush.’

Grinning, Barry glances at his watch and declares, ‘You’re right. If we wait a little longer, we can skip lunch and go straight for dessert. A platter of assorted cakes, for instance.’

‘But whatever might we do to pass the time?’ Julian says pensively. Laughing, Barry pushes Julian down on the couch and begins pressing kisses on every inch of bare skin he sees.

 

Barry and Julian eventually do make it out of the apartment, and declare it an ‘ice cream for lunch’ day. Settling on an outdoor sofa in the courtyard of a small tearoom, they order an overlarge sundae to share and feed each other whipped cream and caramel sauce.  ‘Every inch the happy couple,’ Barry says to Julian, munching on a biscuit he found in the ice cream. Julian smiles. ‘Not quite what I expected,’ he admits, ‘I was afraid you’d never speak to me again.’ Barry leans in to kiss Julian’s temple fondly. ‘You’re going to have to try a lot harder to get rid of me, you know.’

 

They take a long leisurely stroll through the city, holding hands and pointing out favourite squares and stores. When they stop at an antique store, Julian can’t take his eyes off a tiny silver statuette of a horse, and Barry ends up buying it for him. Julian protests, of course, but Barry pulls him close and says, ‘I know what this morning has cost you. Let me buy you a gift.’

 

Caitlin phones in the late afternoon as she promised. Julian and Barry are sitting on a stone wall by the riverbank, using fallen tree branches to draw patterns in the sand at their feet. Julian answers the call while Barry writes _Boyfriend_ on the ground with an arrow that points to Julian. He laughs, which must come as a great relief to Caitlin. ‘Hi, Cait.’

‘Julian, hi, how are you?’

‘Bad timing, Caitlin!’ Barry shouts in the general direction of the phone.

‘Calm down, Barry. Yeah, I’m doing okay, we – we talked, and we’re good.’ Barry squeezes Julian close to him and there’s more laughter. ‘ _Really_ good, actually.’

‘I can hear that.’ Caitlin sounds reassured.

‘How are you? How is Felicity?’

‘We’re doing fine. She’s had to hire a temp worker to help her out in the coffee shop, and I’m at the hospital now inbetween shifts. It’s been pretty crazy in here lately and I’m desperate for a week off. Pity I’ll have to settle for two days – but I don’t mean to bore you with this.’

‘Caitlin,’ Julian says gravely, ‘After last night, I owe you – I’ll listen to unlimited ranting about work. _Thank you._ For being there. For getting me to talk.’

Caitlin doesn’t speak for a moment, then says, ‘I didn’t get you to do anything. That was all you.’

 

After ending the call, Julian looks over at Barry nervously. He hasn’t told him he talked to Caitlin first, and Barry has an expectant expression on his face. Julian picks up his tree branch and doodles little flowers in the sand. ‘When you left yesterday, I had a bit of a... breakdown.’

Barry looks away, feelings of guilt apparent on his face. ‘Julian,’ he starts, ‘I am so –’

‘Don’t. I was leading you on and I couldn’t deliver. You got angry, I couldn’t deal with it. So I called Caitlin and she came over to calm me down. She’s good at that – sometimes I panic out of nowhere, too.’

‘I didn’t know that,’ Barry says quietly.

‘Well. It isn’t something you just put out there when you’re trying to interest someone in dating you.’

‘No, I suppose not.’

‘It happens,’ Julian says, ‘It just happens. No rhyme or reason.’ He puts his head on Barry’s shoulder and they sit on the wall, watching the river quietly until they get cold.

 

During the walk back home, Barry says, ‘Hey, are you free on the twenty-ninth? It’s a Friday night.’

‘My weekends are all yours, you know that.’

Barry smiles. ‘Yes. Would you like to come to a family dinner at my Dad’s place?’

‘Oh damn,’ Julian says, looking nervous already. ‘You don’t have to,’ Barry says, squeezing his hand, ‘but I thought it might be nice? My family’s great, I promise. Fair warning though, they can get a bit noisy.’

Julian thinks about it for a minute, then decides, ‘Oh, what the hell. Okay. I’ll come.’ With a big grin, Barry wraps his arms around his boyfriend. ‘Brilliant. Do you mind if I go home now? I’ve still got to prepare my classes for tomorrow and I’d invite you in if I didn’t keep getting distracted by your hair.’

They both laugh. ‘Yes, of course. Coffee date on Tuesday?’

‘Yes. Absolutely.’ Barry kisses him quickly and disappears into his building, while Julian wanders a little further, thinking this day definitely ended so much better than it began.


	13. Chapter 13

13.

 

For all Barry’s talk of working, he doesn’t do much of it the first hour he’s back at the flat. He digs through his deep freezer for a steak and then thinks of Julian non-stop while he cooks dinner. He isn’t sure what to make of the events of this weekend. Certainly, he meant every word he said to Julian, and he’s genuinely not all that bothered about the sex thing. Barry’s glad Julian was finally able to speak about his issues, and he’s confident that they’re going to be fine, together.

 

He’s also angry. Angry with this unknown, faceless man who _dared_ to treat Julian like he didn’t matter. Aidan is probably blissfully unaware of the damage that he did – maybe he’s out there right now with someone else, hurting them too. These thoughts make Barry’s blood boil and his hands itch to hit something - _someone_. He can’t really place those feelings very well – they make him uncomfortable, because he is not by nature a violent man. But his affection for Julian brings this scary thing out in him, and what is he supposed to do with that?

 

Sighing, Barry sits down to dinner, and scrolls through dozens of sweet texts from Julian while he eats. This offers him enough distraction to be able to do cursory preparation work for tomorrow. He’ll have to improvise here and there but so be it. His mind isn’t on the job tonight. By nine thirty, he’s stretched out on the couch watching a repeat of _Breaking Bad_ and casually texting Julian sweet nothings.

 

The week passes quickly and by the time Saturday rolls around, Barry’s decided to finally demonstrate to Julian that he, too, can cook. They shouldn’t be eating so much take-out, anyway. Maybe a three-course meal is over the top, though. Julian pulls up an eyebrow when he spots the amount of cooking pots in Barry’s kitchen, and says, ‘You should’ve told me to wear my suit.’ Barry laughs and gestures to his brightly coloured apron. ‘I wouldn’t be comfortable if you wore a suit. Anyway, I just want us to have a romantic meal. Okay?’ Julian steps into the kitchen and kisses Barry enthusiastically. ‘Okay.’

 

‘Oh god, I need to have a lie down,’ Julian says after Barry’s fed him a considerable amount of food. ‘Bedroom’s at the end of the hall,’ Barry smirks. To his utter surprise, Julian gets up and heads down the hallway. When he turns around at the door to Barry’s room, he’s still frozen with a dish towel clutched in his hand. ‘Well?’ Julian says, ‘Coming?’ Stunned, Barry blinks carefully a few times, drops the towel on the floor and follows Julian, flicking the lights off as he goes.

 

Julian is on Barry’s bed. That hasn’t happened since the last night at Barry’s old flat, and with only the modest nightlight turned on, Julian seems to glow softly as he fixes Barry with an unmistakeable stare. Barry gets down on the bed and easily rolls on top of Julian, who welcomes him with a soft, insistent kiss. Maybe it’s the food, but Barry’s feeling quite warm and fuzzy tonight, and Julian appears to share that sentiment. The entire room feels hazy as they kiss, and touch, and pull at each other’s clothes. ‘Yes,’ Julian hisses as Barry pushes his shirt out of the way and sucks a nipple into his mouth. He pushes a hand into Barry’s hair to keep him there for a minute, then lets go and flips them over so it’s Barry’s turn to gasp. Julian frees them both of their shirts and trails kisses down the sensitive skin of Barry’s sides, lovingly nipping here and there.

 

Barry’s getting completely out of it. _That can’t be good._ Julian’s teeth catch his hip a little harder than he intended, but it’s good, it’s great, it’s _the right kind of pain,_ and before Julian can even think to apologise, Barry chokes out, ‘ _Fuck,_ too much, Jules, I –’, jumps up and leaves the room. He disappears into the bathroom, barely registering Julian’s shocked expression.

 

The door falls shut behind him and Barry sighs out a breath full of relief. He steps forward to the washbasin and runs cold water over his hands to splash his face. Leaning over the basin, he inspects himself in the mirror. Ruffled hair, his pupils blown wide, a red flush on his cheeks, a lovebite on his chest and finally, a small bite mark low on his left hip. He hadn’t even noticed Julian unzipping his jeans for better access. ‘Fuck, Julian, what have you done to me?’ he mutters quietly. Heart pounding, Barry closes his eyes against the sight of his debauched reflection and wills his hard-on to go down. Slowly, he regains control of his ragged breathing. He can’t stay in here for much longer – he knows Julian will already be wondering what’s going on. Drying his hands, Barry steels himself for the upcoming conversation, and returns to his bedroom.

 

Julian is sitting up against the headboard. Apparently, he thought it prudent to put his shirt back on, though he left it unbuttoned, offering tantalising views of his abdomen. _Get a grip,_ Barry tells himself sternly.

 

‘Barry!’ Julian exclaims, hesitantly shifting closer when Barry sits down. ‘God, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have – the biting, did I hurt you badly?’

Barry stares at him in confusion. ‘Hurt? No, Julian, I’m not hurt, I, uh.’ He sighs, ignores the way his cheeks are burning and says, ‘I got overwhelmed with how turned on I was. I needed a moment to cool off.’

‘Oh,’ Julian says, puzzled, ‘You – why?’

Barry frowns. ‘Because I don’t want to risk getting carried away and pushing you further than you’re comfortable with.’ He can tell Julian is unsure how to respond to this and reaches out to squeeze his hand. Julian stares at him for a few long moments, then throws his arms around Barry’s neck, toppling them both over with the force of his hug. ‘You’re brilliant,’ Julian whispers into his ear, ‘Absolutely brilliant. Fuck. I’m going to make you so happy, Barry, I promise.’ Barry smiles widely and says, ‘You already do.’

 

*

 

‘Are you ready for this?’ Barry says a week later, his hand on the doorknob. ‘No, but let’s do it anyway,’ Julian says nervously. Smiling, Barry opens the door and leads Julian inside to meet his family. Everyone’s seated in the parlour sipping drinks and eating snacks. All eyes are on Julian as he stands in front of them awkwardly, Barry’s arm tight around his middle.

‘Okay everyone, this is Julian. That’s my Dad, Joe, my sister Iris, my brother Wally, and Wally’s best friend Jesse.’ Julian exchanges hellos and handshakes with everyone while Barry’s hugged by his family. ‘Take a seat, grab a drink,’ Joe says, gesturing to the couch and the arrangement of soda, beer and wine on the sideboard. ‘I’ll get you a beer,’ Barry says quickly. ‘Just the one, I’m driving,’ Julian tells him softly.

‘Joe, can you help me out with the chicken? Good to see you, Julian!’ Cecile calls from the kitchen.

‘Hi, Cecile. How are you?’

‘Can’t complain, except about this insane recipe Joe has me cooking up.’ Cecile’s clearly getting impatient, so Joe rushes over to the kitchen to help her out.

 

Barry sticks close to Julian all evening, getting him drinks, offering him the best snacks, talking softly. His family are very welcoming, and they keep up their efforts to involve Julian in the conversation, even if Julian mostly sits and observes. The Wests are clearly a close-knit family, laughing and talking and teasing each other. And the food’s good too, though eating only seems to make the group more boisterous. Julian begins to wonder what they’ll think if he goes home early when Barry catches his attention.

 

Julian’s looking ever more uncomfortable on his chair wedged inbetween Iris and Barry. His boyfriend nudges him. ‘Too much noise?’ Barry asks softly, ‘Want to step outside for a bit?’ Julian nods, takes his outstretched hand and follows him to the backyard. It’s incredibly dark outside, the garden completely cut off from any street lights. Barry leads Julian over to a lounge chair to sit down. Julian casts his eyes up to the beautiful sky full of stars. ‘Oh,’ he gasps. Barry chuckles and presses a kiss to his cheek. Julian manoeuvres the both of them until they’re lying down with a perfect view of the stars, and then starts pointing out constellations. Barry’s own knowledge never got past Ursa Major and Ursa Minor, and now he’s here with Julian whispering Latin names into the darkness. ‘Cassiopeia... There’s Draco, usually too dim to spot... Cygnus and Bootes... Even Pegasus, look!’

‘Astrophysicist,’ Barry says, ‘I remember.’ Julian snorts quietly. ‘Might have been. One day.’

‘You still could be, you know,’ Barry says, trailing his fingers through Julian’s hair.

‘What?’

‘You could go back to college.’ Julian laughs. ‘Even if I had five years to spare, a small fortune lying around, and the ability to survive without a steady income, I’d never be able to go back. Bringing up the discipline to go through college once was already one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. You won’t have guessed this about me, but I’m really rather lazy when I’m not motivated.’ They both laugh, but Barry knows to take Julian’s concerns seriously. ‘Sometimes I regret not fighting harder back then. But I’m happy with my life as it stands. Teacher boyfriend and all,’ Julian says with a grin. He squeezes Barry’s hand and they don’t speak for a bit until Julian says, ‘Sorry I was so quiet at dinner. I’m not really a people person, especially in groups.’

‘That’s okay, I understand. I know you. And we’re a rowdy group when we all get together.’

 

The door to the kitchen opens, casting a ray of light into the garden. ‘Barry?’ Iris calls, ‘Are you two doing anything I shouldn’t see?’ Laughter drifts towards her. ‘Sorry to disappoint you, Iris, but we’re stargazing,’ Barry says. ‘Oh, thank god. Do you guys want some ice cream?’

‘Yeah, sure,’ Julian replies. The evening wraps up pretty soon once everyone’s finished off their dessert, and Julian is relieved to get outside in the fresh air, and then inhale the familiar pine scent in his car. ‘Are you okay?’ Barry says, looking at him intently. Julian nods, his eyes closed. ‘Yes. I hate when that happens. The, uh, crowds thing.’

‘You haven’t told me much about it.’ Julian knows it’s a statement and not an accusation, so he bites back a sharp retort and says, ‘Can’t really tell you much. When I’m around a lot of people, mostly in an unfamiliar environment, it... it feels like I can’t breathe. And I need to get out, but I often don’t because it would seem impolite. So that makes it worse.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Barry says softly. Julian shrugs. ‘It can’t always be avoided. I just need my downtime so I can relax. The feeling passes quickly once I’ve left. It’s much better already.’

‘Come back to mine for a bit? Do I count as downtime?’ Barry asks as Julian starts the car. A smile pulls at Julian’s lips. ‘Definitely.’

 

Julian was over at Barry’s place twice this week, and they’ve been playing an extended game of Monopoly. The board is exactly as they left it Wednesday night, with a post-it stuck in the middle reading _Julian’s turn – Barry tries to cheat!_ Underneath Julian’s neat handwriting, there’s a messy scrawl. _You have no evidence for that, Mr Albert._ Julian laughs, and says, ‘Fancy continuing our game for a little while?’

‘Why not,’ Barry says, pulling out a chair and reacquainting himself with his possessions and the amount of money he owns in the game (not enough).

 

They play for half an hour until Barry’s on the winning hand, reattach the post-it, and Julian gets up to head home. It’s past midnight already. Barry seems to take a deep breath, steeling himself for something. Julian frowns and sends him a questioning look.

 

‘Sleep here?’ Barry says. Julian backs away instinctively, his eyes frightened, but Barry’s right there, taking his hands. ‘Ssh, Jules, no. Your pace, like I promised. I’d just really like to sleep next to you. But only if you want that too.’ Julian thinks it through, then steps forward into Barry’s welcoming embrace. ‘Okay,’ he whispers, ‘Okay.’

 

It feels strange to be getting ready for bed somewhere else, especially when it happens so unexpectedly. Barry offers him a spare toothbrush, the free use of whatever he needs from the bathroom and an old T-shirt to sleep in. Julian thinks about running home to check on Merlin for a minute, but he should be fine. Julian put plenty of food out before he left tonight. He’ll simply need to pay the cat some extra attention tomorrow. And deep down, Julian fears that if he leaves, he won’t come back to sleep here.

 

Julian locks himself in the bathroom for a bit, trying to calm down. He knows Barry won’t push anything – the past few weeks have made that abundantly clear. But still the nerves make his gut clench. He’s not even sure what he’s so afraid of  - the newness, or the next level intimacy maybe. He probably won’t be able to toss and turn the way he’s used to before falling asleep, either. That would be annoying to his partner.

 

Barry can tell he’s nervous when they meet in the hallway. ‘I can sleep on the couch if that would make you feel more at ease,’ Barry offers, and Julian, well, he sort of melts at this sweet, selfless suggestion. ‘Don’t be silly,’ he says, taking Barry’s hand and pulling him into the bedroom.

 

The room is almost pitch-dark once they’re in bed with the lights off, both wearing T-shirts and their boxershorts. Barry is no more than a silhouette pulling Julian into his arms and kissing him goodnight. He gently nudges Julian to roll over until Barry’s spooning him loosely, an arm thrown over his side but a generous amount of space between them. Julian smiles into the dark at the courtesy Barry’s offering, and snuggles in a bit closer.

 

Julian falls asleep with Barry’s breath softly tickling the back of his neck.


	14. Chapter 14

14.

 

Julian wakes up with a ray of sun spreading over the bed, a pillow pressed against his nose and a very warm body sprawled across his back. _Oh dear god,_ he thinks, and immediately begins the process of wriggling out without waking Barry up. The other man groans softly but remains asleep. Julian reaches out a hand to the shelf behind the bed and his fingers close around a watch. It’s Barry’s, but no matter. _Not even seven thirty._ Barry’s heavy presence probably woke him up. Julian turns over to watch his boyfriend sleep, and closes his eyes to doze some more.

 

The next time Julian regains consciousness, Barry’s side of the bed is empty. It’s surprisingly unnerving to be alone in this room. He gets up with a groan to use the bathroom, and takes comfort in the sounds coming from the kitchen. _Imagine Barry had just_ left. When he emerges from the bathroom he almost runs into Barry, who’s carrying a tray full of food. ‘Morning, gorgeous,’ Barry says with a huge grin, ‘Breakfast in bed?’ His enthusiasm is contagious. ‘Lead the way,’ Julian says, following Barry and snuggling up under the covers. ‘What time is it?’ Julian asks. ‘About nine. Do you want coffee? Tea?’

‘Tea, please,’ Julian smirks, ‘I’m English, after all.’

‘Got it. I’ll be right back, help yourself to toast and things.’ Julian begins spreading butter and marmalade on a slice of toast and grabs some cheese for his next slice. Barry returns with two mugs of Earl Grey and they enjoy a leisurely breakfast. ‘What do you want to do today?’ Barry asks, biting off a piece of chocolate. ‘First I have to go check on Merlin and spend some time with him. You’re welcome to come along, of course. After that... I don’t know.’

Barry muses about it for a bit. ‘You know, I’ve set up the second bedroom as an office but I need an extra bookcase. Fancy checking out a furniture store?’ Barry says, ‘I mean, it’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but...’ Julian smiles. ‘Don’t worry. Too much excitement gives me headaches anyway.’

‘Alright then.’

 

Merlin is clearly angry with Julian for being left to his own devices overnight. He’s waiting behind the front door when they arrive, meowing indignantly, and simultaneously demands food, attention, and fresh air. Julian drops down to his knees and chats with his cat to calm him down, then opens the French windows so Merlin can wander in and out at his leisure and goes to refill the food bowl. ‘I’m warning you now, we better stick around for a while, because Merlin is going to be pissed off if we disappear again,’ Julian says. ‘Oh, no problem,’ Barry says, dropping onto the red sofa, kicking his shoes off and putting his feet up. ‘No need to laze around, you know, I’ve got a ton of dishes to do,’ Julian calls from the kitchen.

‘And I, your willing slave,’ Barry sighs as he gets up to help his boyfriend, ‘Do we at least get to make out after?’ Julian laughs, and chucks him a dish towel. Merlin entertains them by weaving a dangerous path inbetween the clean dishes to nuzzle both men. Barry pets the cat happily, balancing a stack of plates on his left hand as Julian shoots them amused looks. ‘I’m glad Merlin took to you. He can be a little standoffish around other people.’

‘He can tell I’m planning to stick around, can’t you, boy?’ Barry says, scratching Merlin’s chin. The cat turns his back to him and jumps off the counter, disappearing into the living room. Julian wipes the sink clean and laughs at Barry’s crestfallen expression and the way he asks, ‘Was it something I said?’

 

Grinning, Julian steps forward to pin Barry to the counter. There’s a clear challenge in the air between them, but Barry simply waits for Julian to make a move. The wooden counter heats up under Julian’s hands as they look at each other. At long last, Julian leans in and kisses Barry. ‘Mm,’ Barry sighs into his mouth before bringing up his hands to play with Julian’s blond curls. Wrapping his arms around Barry’s waist, he nudges his boyfriend to sit up on the worktop. Barry complies easily, heeding Julian’s warning about not bumping his head into the kitchen cabinets. Julian steps inbetween his legs and Barry has to bend his head down even further than usual to kiss Julian. ‘I think you’re supposed to be the one sitting here, cause you’re shorter,’ Barry tells him, but Julian just grins wickedly. ‘I think you’ll find I’m at the perfect height to do what I’m planning.’

 

Half an hour later, both men are studying the lovebites on Barry’s neck in the bathroom mirror. ‘I’m not used to shenanigans in the AM hours,’ Julian says, laughing at Barry’s amused smirk. ‘You know what I mean. Anyway, as for those marks, here, let me.’ Julian pulls a tube of light foundation out of a drawer and begins applying it evenly over the bruises. ‘Why have you got that?’ Barry says curiously, watching the marks fade if not disappear entirely. ‘Aidan,’ Julian says through gritted teeth, ‘liked to mark me.’ Barry’s expression darkens and Julian continues, ‘I’m a lawyer, I can’t walk around with hickeys any more than you can.’ Barry hugs him quietly for a minute, until Julian says, ‘So which furniture store did you want to visit?’

 

The store Barry directs them to is of some newfangled design with a lot of potted plants but very little actual furniture. There are hardly any customers. ‘Do they even _have_ bookcases here?’ Barry hisses, looking uncomfortable, ‘Can you see any?’ Julian can’t – there’s some garden furniture, couches and chairs, but no wardrobes or cabinets or bookcases. ‘No. This is an odd store.’ They turn a corner and spot four or five beds, and a bulky salesman approaching them. ‘Good morning, good morning, lovely weather, isn’t it?’ he says brightly, ‘Are you interested in a new mattress?’

‘No,’ Barry tells him, ‘Actually we’re looking for –’ The salesman cuts him off and launches into a rehearsed sales pitch about how mattresses are made, and the way they should be adapted to each individual’s needs. He goes on and on and every time Julian and Barry try to extricate themselves from the conversation, the man simply follows them to the next mattress.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Julian’s almost bored to tears and he’s seriously considering pulling Barry down on one of the beds just to see how the salesman will react if they make out in front of him. Surely though, they should be able to escape in a less dramatic fashion. ‘Goodness me,’ Julian says, interrupting the salesman’s demonstration, ‘What time did we tell your Dad we’d be there?’ Fortunately, Barry catches on to the ploy immediately, and he casts a pointed look at his watch. ‘Oh god, we’re so late. We have to go, sorry.’ Not giving the salesman a chance to protest, Barry and Julian make their way out and head for the car park, not speaking at first because they both know they’ll laugh if they do, and the man may still be watching them leave.

 

‘So, next store?’ Julian finally says, his face carefully composed. He bursts out laughing when Barry replies, ‘I’m not doing another thing until I’ve had lunch. Fucking hell!’

‘I was about to push you down on one of his precious mattresses,’ Julian confesses, and Barry gives him a wide-eyed stare and says, ‘Why didn’t you? Would’ve made the experience a hell of a lot better.’

‘Oh, shall we go back in?’ Julian pretends to head to the store entrance, smiling when Barry’s hand catches his wrist in a tight grip. ‘Don’t you _dare,’_ Barry hisses playfully, planting a kiss on Julian’s mouth and guiding him back to the car, ‘Now let’s go eat a stack of sandwiches.’

 

After lunch, they find a much more normal furniture store and Barry buys a suitable bookcase. The flatpack is larger than they expected, so they struggle to fit the box into the boot of Julian’s car, and the rest of the afternoon passes with them attempting to assemble the bookcase. Neither of them are very experienced with flatpack furniture, and Barry’s remark that Cisco’s very handy with these things is met by sullen silence on Julian’s part. ‘Sorry,’ Barry says, ‘I didn’t mean anything insulting by that. He just helped me a lot when I first moved out.’

‘It’s alright,’ Julian says, and he probably means it.

 

Barry stays at Julian’s that night, and from then on, they take to sharing one of their beds during weekends. Barry doesn’t try to push anything, happily surrendering control to Julian. Julian is generous with his affections now that Barry’s established the trust between them.

 

One night Barry’s wrapped around him, safe and warm, but Julian can’t sleep. His thoughts keep circling back around to Aidan, mentally listing all the things he now regrets letting him do.

 

_One minute they’re speeding down the highway like they’re in a road trip movie, Aidan happily pointing out landmarks and telling jokes. The next, his hand is on Julian’s thigh and then pressing between his legs. ‘Woah, er, do you think you should be doing that, you’re driving –’_

_‘I can do both,’ Aidan says with a smirk, stroking up and down his thigh._

_It becomes a habit. Julian won’t let him do it when he himself is driving, but Aidan doesn’t seem to have any issue keeping his mind on the road and one hand on Julian’s crotch. He’s not always in the mood – sometimes it feels quite nice, but other times Julian can’t get over the humiliating feeling. After all, he’s practically getting a handjob out in the open, right there on the road in broad daylight where anyone could see. When Julian tells him not to, Aidan stops, but he just starts over again the next time they’re in the car._

Thinking about it makes something in his gut clench almost painfully. He searches for Barry’s hand, finds it on his stomach under the sheets, and squeezes his fingers. Barry’s arm tightens around him instinctively.

 

_‘The guys at work made up this hilarious e-mail, let me show you,’ Aidan says, pulling out his phone while driving fast, too fast, and scrolling through his mails while barely keeping an eye on the road. Julian yanks the phone out of his hands. ‘Are you crazy? Are you trying to kill us?’ Aidan rolls his eyes. ‘God, you can be uptight.’ Julian stares out of the window, angry, nervous._

 

_A couch full of cushions and blankets that tumble to the floor. A massage that feels like Aidan’s punching his back with intent to harm. Julian’s reflection in an ornate mirror, sighing at the sight of a hickey on his collarbone. Aidan apologising half-heartedly for marking him, then encouraging Julian to do the same. Grumbling ‘Why?’ when Julian doesn’t – can’t._

_Their first kiss is in Aidan’s car, parked near a train station in a suburb of the city. Aidan initiates it with a simple, ‘Come here, you,’ and Julian wants to kiss him, until he does, and then he’s completely overwhelmed and feels trapped with nowhere to go. Aidan’s grip on his shoulders is vice-like, his tongue devoid of any subtlety or skill as it presses into Julian’s mouth harshly. He can’t breathe._

Sighing, Julian rolls onto his back to find a better sleeping position. The move brings his nose right up close to Barry’s, and he can share the other man’s air now. He shouldn’t be thinking about these things. He’s okay now. Barry’s brilliant, so good for him.

 

_They head to a desolate, withered park on a cold bank holiday and Aidan brings up the elephant in the room as they walk around, holding hands dutifully rather than enthusiastically. ‘So, listen, we’ve been going out for a month now. And the thing is that I – I really want to sleep with you.’_

_Julian swallows harshly. ‘I don’t think –’_

_‘Oh, come on, a guy has needs.’ He draws Julian in close, tries to kiss him, but Julian pulls away, inexplicably angry. ‘Is that why you brought me here?’ He gestures at the trees, the deserted sports field, the empty footpath. ‘No, not here,’ Aidan says, then adds, apparently immune to Julian’s mood, ‘Unless you insist.’_

_‘No!’ Julian snaps. Aidan chuckles. ‘I agree, outdoors sex should be kept for a later stage of our relationship.’ He doesn’t get it, doesn’t get it at all. Can’t understand how pressuring Julian is making him feel. It’s almost like the trees are closing in on him, cutting off his air._

_Aidan leans over and hisses into his ear, ‘I’m going to fuck you,’ and the ground beneath Julian’s feet seems to disappear. It sounds like a deadline, a dealbreaker, a threat._

Angrily, Julian wipes at the tears welling up in his eyes. He feels so alone right now, even in Barry’s arms. If only he could sleep off the memories as easily as he sleeps off a minor headache. If only he knew why he feels such shame about his relationship with Aidan.


	15. Chapter 15

15.

 

Barry’s pleasantly tucked away in a corner of the staff room, correcting tests. He’s behind a row of cabinets – usually no one comes here. He’s in the mood for some peace and quiet, but unfortunately he’s soon disturbed by two voices. ‘The seniors were _hell_ in PE today,’ a man complains to his companion as they each settle into an armchair just on the other side of the cabinets. ‘The juniors weren’t much better,’ the second man replies, ‘Kept bitching that they’ll never use maths again after graduation.’ Rob and Marco. Not Barry’s favourite co-workers by a long shot. They’ve rarely met a positive thought they couldn’t turn negative, and they’re often rude behind other teachers’ backs. In fact, they’re at it again right now.

 

‘What do you make of the new guy? The one who replaced Lisa for history?’ Marco asks.

‘The gay boy?’ Rob sneers.

‘Really? What makes you think that?’

‘The sheer fact he’s called _Giovanni._ Plus, if he makes eyes at me one more time, he’s just asking to get punched.’ Barry’s hand curls into a fist around his red pen, and he violently scratches out an incorrect answer. The two men start exchanging cruel tactics to keep Giovanni away from them. _I should say something. I should get up and walk away. I should stay and keep quiet._

 

‘Maybe Allen will take him off your hands,’ Marco says with an audible smirk. It was a matter of time until they brought him up – he’s the only other out teacher at this school.

‘Nah, last I heard, Allen’s screwing some fancy lawyer.’ _Who even blabbed about that?_

‘A lawyer? Shit, Marco, imagine finding out your lawyer’s a fag,’ Rob’s disgusted voice threatens to sicken Barry, and _he just called Julian a –_  

‘Yeah, the problem with gays is that they don’t tell you until it’s too late,’ Marco agrees.

‘We’re kind of like bigots that way,’ Barry says calmly, emerging from his hidden spot with an armful of geography tests. It’s worth the trouble to see their faces.

‘Barry, hey, didn’t see you there, I – we –’ Rob sputters.

‘Don’t bother.’ His voice is cold, and he walks straight out of the door.

 

Barry grits his teeth and keeps his face composed until he’s alone in the car park, then leans his forehead against the school wall and smashes his fist against the brick. ‘ _Fuck!’_ he snarls into the empty air. _That’s going to sting for weeks._ Furiously, Barry stomps through the halls to find a first aid kit in the mercifully empty front office. He cleans the blood off his wounds and teaches his final two classes hoping no one will notice he’s hurt himself.

 

It’s too much to hope for that Julian won’t notice either. It’s Friday night and he shows up at Barry’s door with an overnight bag and all the ingredients for his exotic take on roast chicken. ‘Hi love,’ Julian says happily, kissing Barry and taking the food through to the kitchen. Barry can tell the exact second when Julian notices the scrapes on his right fist, because his face falls. ‘What happened to your hand?’ he says, reaching for Barry’s hand to examine the wound gently. ‘I, uh. I guess we’d better sit down for this.’ Julian follows him to the couch. ‘Well?’ he prompts, when Barry seems reluctant to talk. ‘I got mad at two teachers who were talking shit about the new guy because he’s gay.’ The rest of the story isn’t quite so easy to tell and Barry’s particularly tight-lipped about the exact nature of the slur Rob used. But Julian doesn’t seem mad as he pulls Barry into a hug, just resigned, like he’s used to this. It makes sense when Barry thinks about it. Gay lawyers aren’t exactly thick on the ground either, he supposes.

 

Barry leans his head back against the couch, closing his eyes and sighing. A warm mouth brushes over his. ‘My brave man,’ Julian murmurs. Barry scoffs, ‘I punched a wall, not a man.’

‘Exactly. You refused to stoop down to their level.’

‘But doesn’t it bother you that –’

Julian shrugs, ‘I’ve been called worse by people who meant a lot more to me than two strangers you work with. Now, do you want to help me slice vegetables for the chicken?’

 

*

 

Julian notices that Barry remains tense throughout dinner, and eventually he offers him a massage. ‘It helped when you did it for me, so.’ Barry smiles gently when he thinks about that night, some six weeks ago, before Julian had even told him about his issues. ‘Okay,’ he says, ‘Let’s go to my room.’ Julian grabs Barry’s Bluetooth speaker so he can play some music to get the mood right. Barry’s of a similar mindset, pulling the curtains shut, lighting a couple of candles and turning off the overhead light. The atmosphere is undeniably romantic, and Julian desperately wants to kiss Barry, but he fears that if he does so they may never get around to that massage. So he simply directs Barry to take his shirt off and lie down on the bed.

 

Barry hesitates, still sitting upright and briefly meeting Julian’s eyes, before pulling a small bottle out of his bedside table. ‘This isn’t me trying to push anything,’ he clarifies, ‘Iris and Wally love to mock me and they bought me this for my last birthday. Before we met. I think they meant to encourage me to... er, meet people. I haven’t used it, I just –’

‘Barry,’ Julian says fondly, ‘You don’t need to defend yourself for having a bottle of lube.’

‘It’s the kind that doubles as massage oil, I thought it might be... fun.’ Julian hums softly and removes the seal, clearly agreeing. ‘Should definitely make it easier to touch you.’   


And indeed it does; the smooth slide of Julian’s hands over Barry’s back seems to hypnotise them both. The flickering candlelight makes it hard to see anything quite as clearly as Julian’s used to. He closes his eyes, focusing on finding the tensions under Barry’s skin. But then he thinks of what he could see if he just _looked,_ so he goes back to watching his fingers dance on Barry’s shoulders. ‘Mm, you’ve got magic in your hands,’ Barry says softly. Julian smiles, spreading more oil on his fingers and stroking down Barry’s sides. ‘This is going to get out of hand again, isn’t it?’

‘You say that like you expect me to mind.’ Barry’s practically purring by now, stretching out beneath Julian like a large cat.

 

‘Turn over.’ Julian wants to see his face, their original purpose forgotten. He takes hold of Barry’s wrists and pins them to the bed. ‘Oh fuck yes,’ Barry sighs in spite of himself. ‘You like being held down?’ Julian asks, his eyes full of wonder. ‘Huh. Apparently.’ Julian bends over to nuzzle Barry’s neck. His thumb strokes over the quickening pulse in Barry’s wrist. ‘I’m not hurting your knuckles, am I? Pressing on them.’

‘No, that’s fine.’ Then Julian’s kissing him, his neck, his ear, and finally his soft, beautiful mouth. He withdraws his right hand to trace patterns over Barry’s chest, absentmindedly noticing that Barry keeps his arm right where Julian put it. Barry’s eyes are dark, a flush spreading on his cheeks as they kiss. ‘Why are you still wearing that shirt?’ he mutters into Julian’s mouth. In response, Julian captures Barry’s free wrist again and smirks. ‘Pity you’re not in any position to take it off.’ Barry groans and struggles against Julian’s grip. ‘Is this okay?’ Julian asks, concerned. Barry nods, breathing rapidly, his eyes falling shut. ‘Tell me if it’s not,’ Julian insists. ‘I will,’ Barry says, sounding like he’ll agree to anything as long as Julian doesn’t stop. Barry shivers, the drag of Julian’s tongue over his collarbone coming as a surprise. ‘Won’t the lube stain your shirt if you keep it on?’

Julian laughs, seeing straight through Barry’s ploy to get him to undress. ‘You think too much, Barry. Anyway, most of it’s on your back, staining the sheets.’

‘Damn,’ Barry mumbles, his breathing evening out. Julian looks at him, soft and pliant and almost sleepy, and thinks _I could do anything I want to you right now. Kiss you or bite you, stroke you or scratch you, heal you or hurt you._ He balks at the thought, recoiling instinctively from this dangerous urge. _I could tease you like this forever and you wouldn’t even complain. I bet you’d just lie there and_ take _it._ ‘No,’ Julian groans, jerking his hands away from Barry’s wrists and jumping up. It takes Barry’s brain a second to catch on, and by that time, Julian has already left and locked himself in the bathroom.

 

Choking down a sob, Julian sags down onto the bathroom floor, his back against the door. _Don’t let this be happening,_ he thinks through the beginning of a spectacular headache. _I don’t want to be like this. Don’t let me become what I hate. Don’t let me hurt him._ There are tears on his cheeks, and Julian jerks open Barry’s cabinets to find some tissues. He can’t quite breathe right, wipes at his eyes impatiently and paces the small bathroom like a caged animal. He’s only vaguely aware of Barry knocking on the door and calling for him, barely notices his own nails digging angry red lines into the skin of his arms.

 

He needs air. There’s no air in here.

 

But Barry’s right in front of the door. Feeling like he can’t leave, his head splitting with pain, Julian cries. There’s no place for his frustrations to go. Julian tears at his hair, caught in his own mind, a vicious circle of thoughts running from Aidan’s hands on him to his desire to hurt Barry. The headache is threatening to pull him under. _Am I going to faint? If I do – Barry –_ Panicked, Julian reaches out a hand and unlocks the door. Barry pulls it open instantly, takes in Julian’s state and catches him in his arms before Julian can collapse.

 

He’s not aware of much while Barry gently leads him to the living room couch, hands him a glass of water and reaches for his hand. Barry talks to him, tries to get his breathing to even out, slides a thumb over Julian’s wrist to feel his racing heartbeat. ‘Sssh, Jules, it’s okay. I love you, you know that?’ They haven’t said it before, and the words shock Julian enough to make him fully aware of his surroundings again. He nods slowly. ‘In my bag,’ Julian says once he’s finally calm enough to think rationally, ‘the side pocket. There are prescription painkillers for my head.’ Barry nods, presses a kiss to his temple and leaves to fetch Julian’s pills.

 

Barry’s eyes never leave the self-inflicted scratches on Julian’s arms while Julian swallows a painkiller, deceptively calm and controlled. ‘What happened?’ Barry says softly. Julian sighs. ‘I don’t know, I – I felt so overwhelmed all of a sudden and I got – trapped in my own head and I couldn’t – I wanted to _hurt_ you, I couldn’t let myself –’

‘You hurt yourself instead,’ Barry points out, then says, ‘Did you want to hurt me out of anger? To stop me? Was I pushing you beyond what you’re comfortable doing, or –’

‘This isn’t _your_ fault, Barry, don’t say that. It was me, you didn’t do anything, I felt like I was no better than Aidan, caring more about myself than about you. _Fuck._ ’

‘I don’t understand,’ Barry admits reluctantly. He can see Julian closing himself off again. ‘No, I mean – please tell me why you think you’re anything like that crass –’

Julian snorts out a bitter laugh. ‘He completely dismissed my feelings and needs too.’

‘Is that what you think you’re doing? Dismissing my needs?’ Barry reaches out to squeeze Julian’s hand. ‘Obviously. I’m putting my messy issues above your perfectly normal need for sex.’

‘If you want to put it like that, yes, but we agreed, remember? I’m fine with waiting.’ Barry wraps his arms around Julian and they lean back against the couch, snuggling up close. Julian closes his eyes and whispers, ‘Sorry you have to put up with so much shit from me.’

‘It’s worth it,’ Barry says softly, pressing his lips to Julian’s forehead.


	16. Chapter 16

16.

 

On Tuesday, Julian skips his lunch break in favour of working on a case. His deadline is tonight and he’s nowhere near done figuring out the intricacies of this week’s classic family dispute over an inheritance. Still, it’s more interesting than bickering neighbours, so Julian can’t complain. With a sigh, he wipes a stray blond curl out of his face and takes a quick bite of his sandwich. Naturally, his mobile rings exactly while he’s chewing. Barry or Caitlin don’t usually call during work hours. Julian forces the food down his throat quickly when he sees _Rose Albert_ on his phone screen. ‘Grandma, hi.’

‘Morning, love. Or afternoon for you, I suppose. Are you on break?’

‘More or less,’ Julian says, ‘I’m on a deadline.’

‘I’m sure you are, dear. Got five minutes to spare for a chat anyway?’

‘Yes,’ Julian says, getting up and deciding to take a stroll down the hall for a change of environment, ‘It’ll clear my head. How are you?’

‘Oh, you know, fine,’ Rose says vaguely, ‘Just some age-related aches and pains. Nothing to worry about though. I want to know about you.’

‘I’m really good. I get to work on more interesting cases now and I want to get this one done as soon as possible, because Barry’s taking me out to dinner tonight.’

‘Oh, nice. A special occasion?’

‘Yes. It’s our four month anniversary.’ Rose whistles between her teeth, a shrill sound that makes Julian pull the phone away from his ear for a moment. ‘Bloody hell, Julian, have you ever stuck with anyone that long?’ Julian laughs. ‘Well...’

‘Your teenage escapades don’t count,’ Rose says, sounding amused. Julian concedes, ‘Then, no. Barry’s special.’

‘Then I hope you two get your happily ever after, or whatever romantic ideal the kids today are pursuing.’ Julian laughs. ‘Thank you. Listen, I should go. Don’t want to work late today.’

‘Of course. Have fun, Julian. Take care.’

‘Bye, Grandma. Love you.’

 

As it turns out, Julian makes his deadline in the nick of time and rushes home to change into his nicest casual suit. He knows Barry loves to see him in royal blue. Julian texted earlier to ask about dress code.

 

**Julian**

_Is it a suit and tie kind of restaurant?_

**Barry**

_Isn’t everything a suit and tie occasion for you?_

**Julian**

_Cute, Barry. Like you don’t love me in a tie._

**Barry**

_True that. But yes. I found a suit at the back of my wardrobe. Be afraid. Be very afraid._

Barry shows up on his doorstep ten minutes late, citing a phonecall from ‘my idiotic siblings’ as an excuse. ‘Wanted to _congratulate_ me,’ Barry rants, quickly kissing Julian and handing him four red roses, ‘and make some lewd assumptions of what we’d be getting up to later tonight.’ Julian laughs, and kisses Barry to thank him for the flowers. ‘Iris doesn’t seem like the type to make lewd assumptions,’ he states with a twinkle in his eyes. ‘Oh, you’d be surprised. She’s pure evil, my sister, and absolutely lethal in combination with Wally.’

‘Can I see your suit?’ Julian asks, gesturing to Barry’s jacket. His boyfriend grins. ‘Nope. Not until we get there.’

‘Then let’s go,’ Julian says, scrambling around in the kitchen for a vase to put his roses in and checking that Merlin is fast asleep on the couch. ‘Impatient much?’ Barry gripes when he’s dragged outside by Julian’s warm hand. ‘Yes. Do get in the car, please.’

 

Barry takes them to a rooftop restaurant in a skyscraper. ‘Oh god, I just realised,’ he says when they get in the lift and press the button for the top floor, ‘Please tell me you’re not afraid of heights.’

‘I’m not,’ Julian says, ‘but won’t it be cold outside? It’s October, after all.’

‘They’ve got a really good heating system. I’ve been here before.’

‘With an old boyfriend?’ Julian smirks as they step out of the lift and head for the double doors leading to the restaurant. Barry blushes slightly. ‘Oh my god, really?’

‘It was years ago,’ Barry protests, ‘and just a fling.’ Julian takes his hand. ‘You don’t have to defend yourself, love. We can’t take back the past – and we probably shouldn’t want to. It made us who we are.’ Julian’s eyes are soft and serious, and Barry squeezes his hand, muttering a remark about early-evening philosophy that makes Julian smile even as they’re being seated. Barry unzips his jacket slowly, deliberately prolonging the look of anticipation on Julian’s face. ‘You’re such a tease,’ Julian says. The waiter pulls a face when he hands them the menu.

 

Barry’s suit is nice. Perhaps a little tight on him, but – _nice._ It’s some type of forest green, the blazer accentuating his shoulders and waist, and the slacks have been ironed to perfection. ‘That doesn’t look like it spent the last couple of years at the back of your wardrobe,’ Julian says, admiring the cut, the fabric, Barry’s crisp white shirt, the matching green tie that would look great around his wrists – _wait, no._ ‘I had it dry-cleaned for this occasion,’ Barry admits, pulling Julian’s attention back to the here and now, away from an indulgent fantasy he was about to get lost in. ‘I’ll be thrilled to see what you wear for our first anniversary.’

 

‘It’ll be made to measure, if I can afford it,’ Barry quips. And it’s there in his eyes – the unspoken agreement they’ll still be together then.

 

*

 

‘I know it’s breaking our routine,’ Barry says after a wonderful dinner, when they’re taking a stroll to the riverside, ‘but can I stay over tonight?’ A smile tugs at the corners of Julian’s mouth. ‘Did you really think I was going to let you leave? On our anniversary?’

‘I know you like your routines. And we won’t be able to snuggle up in the morning.’

‘I’m sure we can compensate for it tonight,’ Julian says, ‘It’s only ten o’clock.’

 

So they go back to Julian’s place, and Barry watches as Julian lies back on the couch and Merlin tramples all over him, purring and meowing and eventually settling in to sleep in the crook of Julian’s arm. Barry approaches the cat carefully, and says, ‘Hey, Merlin. Any chance I can cuddle with him, too?’ Merlin eyes him warily while Julian shakes with suppressed laughter. Nudging his cat softly, Julian gets up and leads the way to his bedroom.

 

He seems to greatly enjoy watching Barry strip off his fancy suit piece by piece, making an offhand comment about the tie matching his skin perfectly. ‘Why the tie, specifically?’ Barry says curiously, twirling it around his fingers to draw Julian’s attention even more, ‘Surely it’s the same colour as the rest of the suit.’ To his surprise, Julian blushes and takes his own clothes off quickly, wrapping himself in his dressing gown against the cold. Intrigued, Barry drops the tie onto a pillow, undresses down to his underwear, and crawls into bed. He picks up the tie again, idly sliding it over the skin of his arms and taking note of Julian’s reactions – a slight hitch in his breath, his cheeks reddening, a flash of heat in his eyes. Venturing a guess as to what’s got Julian interested, Barry wraps the silky fabric around his wrist. The colour does contrast nicely with his skin. ‘Do you perhaps have an idea of what we could do with this tie?’ Barry says softly, reaching out to pull Julian in his arms. ‘I want to,’ Julian whispers before kissing him, ‘I want – shit, I shouldn’t...’

‘What do you want, Jules?’ The tie has slipped off his wrist while they kissed, so Barry takes it and gently presses it into Julian’s hand. ‘I want to tie your hands together,’ he admits quietly. ‘So do it,’ Barry says simply.

 

‘Barry,’ Julian breathes out, shocked by this bold suggestion. Barry shrugs. ‘Why not? I want you to. I trust you. And if you’re worried about – going too far, or ignoring my needs, don’t be. I’ll tell you if something’s wrong.’ He pauses for a moment, rubbing the tie between his fingers and stroking Julian’s hand at the same time. ‘I’m also pretty sure I could rip this apart if need be.’ Julian laughs nervously. ‘This is crazy,’ he says. ‘Yes,’ Barry replies, stretching out on the bed with his hands above his head in a clear invitation. ‘Just breathe, okay. And tell me if it feels wrong for you,’ Barry implores him. ‘Okay,’ Julian says, warmth sparking in his eyes, ‘Okay.’

 

Julian moves swiftly, kneeling over Barry, his dressing gown falling open to reveal enticing bits of his chest and light blue boxers. While the view occupies Barry’s attention, Julian pins him down, wraps the green tie around Barry’s wrists and ties them together neatly. Barry gives him a peculiar look as he tests his bonds. It’s a serious knot, and to get out of it would require brute force. ‘Where the _hell_ did you learn –’

‘I was in the military, remember?’ Julian smirks, then his face shifts to worried. ‘Not too tight?’

‘Stop worrying, it’s fine,’ Barry says. ‘Right then,’ Julian says firmly, ‘Grab hold of the headboard.’ The corners of Barry’s mouth twitch, like he might laugh, but he reaches out and wraps his fingers around the vertical bars he’s never really paid attention to before now, except to complain that it hurts to sit up against the back of the bed. ‘Okay,’ Julian says, making to get up off the bed, ‘I want you to keep your hands there until I say you can move them.’

‘ _Fuck_ it’s hot when you –’ Barry doesn’t finish his sentence, because Julian is traipsing over to the bookcase in the corner and _what the fuck is his deal right now?_ His confusion only mounts when Julian sits down next to him on the bed, not quite touching Barry, and shows him the cover of his book. ‘Finally bought a copy of _Hay Fever,_ ’ Julian says casually, as if Barry isn’t right there, in nothing but boxers and with his hands tied up specifically for Julian’s pleasure. ‘Are you _seriously_ going to read right now?’

‘Mmm,’ Julian says, ‘Thought I’d read my favourite scene to you.’ This is a ploy, that much is clear, but Barry can’t for the life of him imagine what purpose this game might serve.

 

Until Julian begins to read.

 

‘His heart still pounding from the chase, Hollis followed the shadow of Gabriel’s long legs up the ladder in this quiet, out-of-the-way barn. Emerging on a small hayloft, Hollis saw his supposed enemy already sat on a haystack, his legs casually dangling down.’

 

‘ _Oh,_ ’ Barry breathes, and Julian laughs, glad his partner has caught on.

 

‘Gabriel looked as glamourous as ever, his black hair slicked back and his eyes sparkling with triumph at their daring escape. He watched as Hollis pulled a dark brown cap off and revealed his hair. “I always figured redheads would make terrible spies,” Gabriel said conversationally. “Oh, you’d be surprised how well I can hide in a crowd,” Hollis replied testily, pulling a sandwich out of his bag.’

 

‘Can’t you skip to the good bit?’ Barry whines, eyeing Julian’s strong legs.

‘No,’ Julian says, ‘These two arguing _is_ the good bit.’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘Oh, I see, Barry. You want to get to the sex, don’t you?’ Julian stretches out a hand to trail over Barry’s chest, lingering around his nipples. ‘You want to hear all about Hollis dropping down to his knees to suck Gabriel off.’ Barry moans softly. ‘Yeah, that sounds nice.’

‘Or should I skip a few pages further still, and get straight to the _really_ good bit? You know, the part where Gabriel bends Hollis over a haystack and fucks him into oblivion.’

‘ _Fuck,_ what was in your drink at that restaurant?’ Julian laughs and bends over to kiss Barry. ‘I figure it can’t hurt to get creative, since we can’t really be together the... usual way. For now.’

‘I like the sound of _for now,_ ’ Barry admits, straining to reach Julian’s mouth again when the other man pulls away. Julian gives in for a moment, kissing him deeply, then returning his attention to his spy novel. He skips a few pages, summarising them instead. ‘So, basically they eat, and bicker for a bit about who’s the best at hand-to-hand combat and who’s the fastest runner. Then Hollis gets Gabriel to admit he got hold of the important document they’re both after.’

 

‘Gabriel didn’t deny having the document in his possession, so Hollis pushed on. “Can I see it?” Gabriel snorted derisively. “No.”

“Come on. I’ll take a picture of it and get out of your hair. We don’t need the same intel from it anyway, so we might as well share.” Gabriel leaned forward, his knee nudging against Hollis’. “What’s in it for me, Hollis?” Hollis swallowed nervously. “I could – I’m sure I could make it worth your while.” There was a smirk playing around Gabriel’s lips when he slid a hand over the other man’s leg. “If you do, you can take as many pictures of it as you like.” Hollis cupped the back of Gabriel’s neck and kissed him. Both of them sighed. It really had been too long since they’d had the chance to meet.’

 

‘They’re such romantics,’ Barry says, sounding pleased. Julian’s mouth quirks in a small smile and he reaches out a hand to stroke Barry’s shoulder. His partner shudders. Julian hopes it’s excitement, but feels it’s better to check. ‘Are you cold?’

‘Uh, will you stop if I am?’ Barry says hesitantly.

‘Barry,’ Julian says sternly.

‘It’s fine. I’d be warmer if you got closer, though.’

Julian’s eyes light up. ‘Oh, well played, Mr Allen.’ He gets off the bed to turn the heating up and when he returns, Julian straddles him, a warm hand splaying over Barry’s stomach as Julian keeps reading from that damned book. His dressing gown falls over Barry’s legs and it is, indeed, warmer this way.

 

‘Of course their relationship had been doomed from the start, the two rivalling spies reduced to snatching brief moments of freedom when assignments brought them together. _But it was worth all the lonely hours,_ Hollis mused, just to see Gabriel’s smirk lighting up his handsome features as Hollis trailed his fingers over every inch of dark skin he could reach. “We contrast beautifully as ever,” Gabriel said, admiring Hollis’ pale skin where it pressed against his own. No one but Hollis could bring out this tenderness in Gabriel.’

 

‘Awww,’ Barry says, making Julian laugh and bend over to kiss him. ‘You okay?’ Julian says, gesturing to Barry’s hands. ‘You don’t have to hold on to the headboard if it’s uncomfortable.’

‘I’m – okay, yeah, that’s better,’ Barry sighs when he lets go, flexing his fingers to improve circulation. ‘Should I untie you?’

‘No. I like it.’ Barry shoots him a pleading look. ‘Just a little longer? You can untie me when they get to the good bits.’ Julian nods, slowly kissing Barry’s neck and chest until he’s rewarded with a soft whimper.

‘Hmm. But that’s the part I really _want_ you tied up for.’ All of a sudden, Julian sits up straight again, not touching Barry anywhere except for the heady proximity of their erections.

‘You are an _evil bastard_ ,’ Barry hisses.

‘Yeah, I thought it was a good idea, too,’ Julian smirks.

 

‘Gabriel pulled Hollis onto his own haystack. Hollis went willingly, crawling into Gabriel’s lap. “Are you sure we’re safe here?” Hollis whispered. “I checked. We weren’t followed. And there are no bugs.” Gabriel’s eyes were soft and warm. “I needed to make sure I could be alone with you.” Hollis laughed sweetly, leaning in to kiss Gabriel. “I missed you. All these months on the road by myself, I hated it,” Hollis said softly. “I know. Me too.” There was no more need for talking then, as Gabriel and Hollis kissed, on and on. “Gabe, take my shirt off,” said Hollis, a command his partner was only too glad to obey. Hollis stretched out a hand blindly, still kissing Gabriel, until his fingers found the warm fabric of a winter coat. He wasn’t sure whose it was, but he chucked it on the ground before the haystack, let go of Gabriel, and dropped to his knees.’

 

Julian puts the book down for a moment, leaning over to untie Barry’s hands and rub his wrists gently. ‘Are you good?’

‘Yes,’ Barry says, bucking his hips up against Julian’s to emphasise his point, and winding his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, pulling him down into a kiss. ‘Yes,’ he says again, ‘I’m good.’

‘Don’t touch me while I continue reading,’ Julian says sternly. Obediently, Barry grabs a pillow and holds on to that so he won’t be tempted to reach for Julian.

 

‘Gabriel was good at pretending to stay cool and distant in these situations. It was probably part of what made him such a good spy. Still, it took him a lot of willpower to stay calm when Hollis efficiently undid Gabriel’s trousers and informed him, “I’m going to suck your dick.” Gabriel could not quite contain an embarrassing little whine escaping him.’

 

‘Fuck, your _accent,’_ Barry grinds out. Julian laughs. ‘You hear me talk all the time.’

‘Not dirty talk,’ Barry says, ‘It’s completely different.’ It really is. Julian is driving him crazy with need. Barry has read this book, and he knows it gets fairly explicit. For some reason, that reminds him of his first conversation with Julian, and how he put _Hay Fever_ on the reading list he was making. ‘I’m suddenly getting second thoughts about my students reading this,’ Barry muses. ‘Have you had any complaints?’ Julian asks, and when Barry shakes his head, he continues, ‘It’s the only sex scene in the book. And anyway, you and I both know your students have seen and read a lot worse than this.’

‘Okay yeah, I’ll grant you that.’

‘Where was I? Oh yeah...’

 

‘Not much later, Hollis was making good on his statement, kneeling on the wooden floor of the hayloft. Gabriel’s fingers clenched in Hollis’ red curls, and Hollis moaned around his cock. “Yes,” Gabriel hissed, “Yes, like that. Oh god.” He wouldn’t last long, not like this, not when it had been months since he’d touched Hollis or enjoyed his gorgeous, talented mouth. But Gabriel didn’t want to come like this, so he gently pushed Hollis away. As ever, the other man seemed to read his mind. “Want to fuck me?” Hollis suggested, already unbuckling his belt. “God, yes. Uh, do you have –”

“Mm, in my pockets somewhere.” Hollis started feeling around in the coat he had been kneeling on and after a moment, triumphantly pulled out a small packet of lube and a condom. Gabriel gave him a knowing smirk, and Hollis simply said that good spies always come prepared.’

 

‘Julian, I –’ Barry can’t quite say it, but he needs to come soon. Julian seems to know the feeling – his eyes are feverish, raking over Barry’s barely-clothed body, and he finally shrugs off his dressing gown. ‘Just a little more,’ he promises huskily, ‘Until they – then we – I don’t know. Use the bathroom.’ He bites his lip, clearly nervous about this suggestion. It isn’t exactly a titillating thing to say, _let’s wank ourselves off separately._ But Barry gets it, won’t let him worry about it, his eyes begging for a kiss, willingly given.

 

‘Gabriel never bothered to take off all his clothes that night. He vaguely thought it was unfair on Hollis, who was stark naked and bent over a prickly haystack, but his partner didn’t protest. In fact, Hollis did quite the opposite, because as ever, he was vocal in his appreciation of Gabriel’s skills. “Fuck yes, Gabe, just do it, fuck me harder, you know I can take it.” Gabriel’s coarse woollen shirt pressed against his back as the haystack did to his front, and it felt wonderful, twin sensations of exquisite pain even as Gabriel brought him so much pleasure. “You feel so good,” Gabriel moaned, “Don’t ever want to miss this feeling again. Nearly there, oh shit, _Hollis._ ” Gabriel came with a shout, and Hollis followed soon after, barely touched. Collapsing together, they shared sweet nothings that were only ever spoken in whispers between them, in moments just like this.’

 

Julian closes the book, chucks it to the side and kisses Barry deeply. Barry moans into his mouth, wanting more, more of Julian, more of everything. ‘Shit, Jules, I can’t,’ he spits out, and Julian lets him go. Barry rushes to the bathroom and it’s a heady sensation to bring himself off here, knowing Julian is doing the same right on the other side of the wall. He can almost definitely hear Barry grinding out his name when he comes.

 

They curl up in bed together, after. ‘That was... I don’t know what to say,’ Barry sighs. Julian laughs. ‘Maybe I should start narrating audiobooks to earn some extra cash.’

‘And share your gorgeous voice with anyone but me? Forget it.’ Still laughing, Barry turns off the light and goes to sleep in Julian’s arms.


	17. Chapter 17

17.

 

It’s Friday night, and Julian and Barry are getting ready for a visit from Caitlin and Felicity. They’re dancing around each other in Julian’s bathroom, the carpet warm under their feet, and Julian’s reaching for his razor when Barry catches him in his arms. He keeps one hand on Julian’s shoulder, the other around his waist, and nuzzles his boyfriend’s neck. Keeping his eyes on their reflection, Barry watches Julian’s expression change as he mouths along the skin of his shoulder. ‘Mmm,’ Julian hums, setting about applying shaving cream to his stubble. Barry keeps his hands on Julian’s bare skin while he shaves, laughing when Julian tells him to comb his hair properly for once. ‘Did I clean the living room?’ Julian says suddenly, coinciding with the feel of Barry’s tongue on the back of his neck. ‘Twice,’ Barry groans, ‘Anyway, I didn’t think we were putting on a five star dinner. You said it was Chinese take-out with Caitlin and Felicity.’

‘Okay, yes,’ Julian says while squeezing toothpaste onto his brush, ‘but I don’t want my friends to think I live in a pigsty now that I’m going steady.’ Barry laughs at his old-fashioned expression, finally letting Julian go and picking up his shirt. ‘Did you give me a hickey back there?’ Julian sounds strict. ‘Uh. Maybe? Don’t worry, your collar will hide it.’

‘I don’t believe this,’ Julian says with a mouth full of toothpaste, ‘This evening is going to be disastrous.’

‘You’re not usually so nervous about playing the host. At least not to me.’

‘Well, this is different.’ Julian rinses out his mouth. ‘It feels like we, as a couple, are receiving our friends. There’s something very _official_ about it.’

‘I haven’t moved in just yet, you know,’ Barry says, winking at him in the mirror. It earns him a tight smile, at least.

 

Julian’s nerves dissipate soon after Caitlin and Felicity arrive carrying plastic bags full of Chinese food and two bottles of white wine. ‘I’ve never been here before,’ Felicity says brightly, looking around Julian’s living room. ‘Nice couch,’ she adds, pointing to the red sofa. Barry’s just settling down in it. Caitlin drags her girlfriend to the much subtler cream-coloured couch. Julian’s rummaging around in the kitchen, bringing out plates and glasses. Barry observes him with a small smile lingering on his lips. ‘Still completely smitten, I see,’ Caitlin says, smiling at the looks Julian and Barry are exchanging. ‘Nonsense,’ Julian says, his face reddening.

 

Soon, everyone’s tucking in and Caitlin regales the group with tall tales from her work at the hospital. ‘The cool thing about this relationship,’ Felicity says, ‘is that when people ask what my girlfriend does for a living, I get to tell them that she saves lives.’ Caitlin chuckles. ‘You save lives metaphorically by selling people coffee.’

‘True that,’ Barry chimes in.

‘But I don’t get flowers on my birthday from a man whose life I saved when I was still in training. That sort of thing only happens to Cait.’

‘Really?’ Barry says, interested. Caitlin looks slightly embarrassed. ‘Yeah, I did a couple of years in ER when I was a resident. Saved some people and lost many others. But this one man, George, he got a heart attack right there in the hospital while visiting his wife. I was his doctor, he made it through. And every year he sends flowers, regular as clockwork.’

‘That’s really sweet,’ Barry says.

‘I think George is pretty sweet on you, actually,’ Felicity tells her girlfriend. ‘Oh, stop it,’ Caitlin says with a blush.

 

‘But does it make up for all the times people chew you out when you can’t help them?’

Julian looks surprised at Barry’s question and turns to Caitlin. ‘Do patients really do that?’

‘Oh yes they do. Some of them are downright horrible to their doctors,’ Caitlin confirms. Barry shrugs. ‘Parents bitch at us all the time because their kids think they’re being treated unfairly. Figured there wouldn’t be a lot of difference.’

‘Is it tempting sometimes to give students grades based on how you like them?’ Felicity asks, curious. ‘Sure,’ Barry says, launching into a lengthy explanation, ‘I’d love to knock someone’s grades if they shout abuse at me in class. And if a kid’s really nice, I want to grade them better. But these days we have to justify every grade we give in so much detail they’ve made that almost impossible. I can’t justify a bad grade if they’ve scored well on all the individual components like spelling, language, contents and so on. Still, I’m not complaining about the system, it’s easier to be fair this way.’

‘But it’s so much work,’ Julian pitches in, ‘I’ve seen him do it. Takes hours.’ Barry smiles and squeezes Julian’s hand. ‘Working from home is part of the job. I don’t mind it.’ Then he laughs, ‘Though it was easier when I didn’t have a boyfriend I wanted to spend all my time with.’

‘Oh, you wouldn’t have it any other way,’ Julian says with a smirk. ‘You two are _adorable_ ,’ Caitlin says, reaching for the wine to top up everyone’s glasses.

 

An hour later, Felicity’s still fascinated by the red couch. ‘I bet that’s seen some action,’ she says, now on her third glass of wine. Barry sputters and Julian blushes bright red. ‘Oh, it _has,_ ’ Felicity sounds positively gleeful. ‘No. We’re not talking about this,’ Barry says firmly. Julian shoots him a grateful look and strokes his hand. ‘Fine,’ Felicity pouts, ‘Ugh. I’d better switch to water.’

‘Did you drive here?’ Julian asks, concerned, while Barry fetches a bottle of water.

‘No no, we took a cab, don’t worry,’ Caitlin says.

 

It’s well after midnight when Caitlin and Felicity leave, barely tipsy at all anymore, with promises to meet again soon. Barry helps Julian clean up and they fall into bed together, exhausted, and planning to sleep until noon tomorrow.

 

*

 

By Halloween, autumn has set in properly. The trees in Central City are losing their leaves quickly, darkness sets in before dinner time, and it’s mighty cold out already. Barry’s a little bored and lazy tonight. He doesn’t feel like working and nothing seems to capture his attention for long. Fortunately he can always kill some time texting Julian, which is just one of the many advantages of their relationship.

 

**Barry**

_Ugh, my sweater’s itchy. Probably shouldn’t have bought this one in the first place._

**Julian**

_Maybe you should take it off. Unless you’re cold._

**Barry**

_No, good point, I can do without it. Oh, that’s much better._

**Julian**

_What else are you wearing?_

Barry blinks slowly and does a double take. _Did Julian just..._ It sounds like a cliché, a line one would use to start... Well, something Julian can’t possibly intend to finish. Moments later, he gets another text.

 

**Julian**

_I’m wearing that blue dress shirt. The one you like._

**Barry**

_The, uh, tight one?_

**Julian**

_Yes. And my black skinny jeans._

Oh god. There’s really no doubt what Julian’s trying to do here, and it makes Barry’s stomach flutter. How is he supposed to react?

 

**Barry**

_I’m wearing old jeans and a T-shirt that... come to think of it, it’s yours. Green geometric patterns._

**Julian**

_Oh, I’m sure you just *forgot* that it’s mine. Were you thinking about me?_

**Barry**

_It smells of you. You left it here last weekend._

**Julian**

_Miss me already?_

**Barry**

_You know I do. But this shirt is very comfy._

**Julian**

_Take it off._

**Barry**

_You serious right now?_

**Julian**

_I’m always serious. Go on. I’ll take off mine too, if it makes you feel better._

 

Barry shrugs off Julian’s shirt and goes to turn up the heating.

**Barry**

_God. Okay, fine, I took it off. Do you know what you’re doing here?_

**Julian**

_Figuring it out as I go along. Fortunately I’ve got a lot of free texts on my mobile subscription._

**Barry**

_Mobile subscription? Oh yes, talk dirty to me._

**Julian**

_Whatever, Barry. I’m on my red couch. There’s a whiff of your aftershave in the pillows, did you know?_

**Barry**

_Damn, I love the red couch. It’s so... red._

**Julian**

_We suck at this, don’t we?_

**Barry**

_Yeah. We do. But you may be on the right track with ‘sucking’._

Barry imagines Julian bursting out laughing when he reads that, but he’s unprepared for the response he gets.

 

**Julian**

_Think of me sucking you off a lot, do you?_

**Barry**

_fuckkk_

**Barry**

_Not the reply I was expecting from you._

**Barry**

_And. Yes. I have thought about it._

**Julian**

_Me too. I think about your pretty mouth. And how it would feel._

**Barry**

_Shit. That’s hot. I want to_

**Julian**

_I know. And we will, eventually._

**Barry**

_I’ll be so good for you, when you’re ready._

**Julian**

_Yeah? What are you going to do?_

**Barry**

_I’m gonna undress you so, so slowly. Take off your jacket and undo your posh tie, loosen the buttons on your dress shirt one by one._

**Julian**

_So far so good._

**Barry**

_Then I’ll kiss you, all over your face, chest and back. Make you desperate for more._

**Julian**

_I hope you’ll be shirtless too by then._

**Barry**

_Of course. I’ll unbuckle your belt while you do mine._

Barry does as he’s said, pushing his jeans down far enough so he can easily reach his cock, when they get to that.

 

**Barry**

_What colour boxers are you wearing right now?_

**Julian**

_Uh, a sort of dark teal._

**Barry**

_Right, so I’m going to drag your teal boxers down and then..._

Barry reaches into his own underwear to relieve the tension by stroking himself a few times.

 

**Julian**

_Yes?_

Julian somehow manages to make a text message sound breathless, it’s amazing.

 

**Barry**

_Then I’ll take you into my mouth and suck you off so slowly that you’ll be begging for mercy, begging me to do it faster._

**Julian**

_Oh god. Yes, Barry, more, I need – feels so good..._

**Barry**

_Are you touching yourself?_

**Julian**

_Yes. Obviously. And I’ll push my hand in your hair, make you go down on me faster._

**Barry**

_Shit, yes, I’ll like that. You controlling the pace. Taking what you need._

Barry’s clumsily typing with his left hand, rapidly wanking with his right, losing himself in the fantasy. His head falls down on the back of the sofa, his breath escaping in little pants.

 

**Julian**

_Don’t make me come yet. I want to fuck you before the night is over._

Barry’s glad Julian can’t hear his embarrassing whimper upon reading that message.

 

**Barry**

_Yes, yes, I want you to. I’ll be so ready for you._

**Julian**

_Mm, I know you will be. My good boy. I’ll stretch you so nicely._

**Barry**

_Fuck, Jules, I’m gonna come._

**Julian**

_Doesn’t matter. I’ll fuck you right through it. I’m close too._

Barry’s breath is loud, so loud, in his empty apartment as he comes with a low groan.

 

**Barry**

_Shit, that was so good. Did you...?_

**Julian**

_Yes. Felt brilliant._

**Barry**

_Thank you. For doing this._

**Julian**

_It was mutually beneficial. Believe me._

**Barry**

_Will this make it awkward when we meet tomorrow?_

**Julian**

_Only for the first ten minutes, I expect._


	18. Chapter 18

18.

 

It’s a Saturday in early November and Barry’s at Julian’s place leafing through a new geography book he may switch to using next year. Julian’s getting a head start on dinner. Lasagna, judging by the ingredients Barry saw him collect earlier. The geography course is so boring that Barry’s actually dozing off when a sharp buzzing jerks him back to full consciousness. And it isn’t even his phone.

 

‘Your phone’s ringing,’ Barry says, lazily spread out on the couch. ‘Who is it?’ Julian calls from the kitchen. Barry glances at the phone, then frowns. He’s not familiar with the name, but he can take an educated guess who it is. ‘Uh. Richard Albert Desmond.’ Julian appears next to him faster than should be humanly possible. ‘What?’ He hesitates for only a second before answering the phone. ‘Hello? Dad?’

‘Julian.’ Richard’s gruff voice comes down the line clearly, ‘I know we parted on bad terms the last time we spoke.’

‘Yes. And?’

‘My mother – Grandma Rose – passed away yesterday.’ Julian clutches the phone to his ear, turning pale. Worried, Barry reaches out to take his hand as Julian sinks down on the couch. ‘Grandma’s... gone?’ His voice cracks and _damn,_ he’s speaking to his father for the first time in a year and now he’s going to cry. But it’s okay, because Barry’s here, and Richard sounds choked up too. ‘She had a heart attack,’ his father explains, ‘but she’d been unwell for a while.’

‘I phoned her sometimes,’ Julian protests, ‘She never said.’

‘She didn’t want to worry you. Listen, Julian, I don’t know if you can, I don’t know if you want to. But if you should choose to attend the funeral, please know that you would be very welcome.’ Julian closes his eyes and feels Barry’s finger gently wiping at his tears. He swallows harshly and says, ‘When is it?’

 

Barry holds him, lets him cry for hours and laughs sadly at the anecdotes Julian tells about his Grandma Rose. Then he tells Julian, quite firmly, that he needs to go to the funeral. ‘You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t. Go.’ Julian looks unsure still. ‘If I had any other job, I’d get time off and come with,’ Barry says, and Julian can tell he means it.

‘But you can’t do that. You have to teach. Anyway, my parents are – they’re not exactly jumping for joy at the thought of being introduced to my boyfriend. I’ll have to go it alone.’

‘I can help you with the arrangements, though. Organise your plane and all that.’

‘Yes, please.’

‘Will you get the time off work?’

‘I’ll call Spencer later to ask. It’s quiet at the moment, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.’

Julian’s quiet for a bit, then says, ‘I remember telling Grandma that I’d met you. And that we definitely weren’t dating, no way.’ Barry laughs at that, and then so does Julian. ‘I did tell her though, later. She knew that – that I’m in good hands.’ Barry’s arms tighten around him.

 

Julian’s flight leaves on Monday afternoon. He’ll stay in a hotel in the centre of Richmond for three days, then fly back on Friday. ‘I can easily take a bus from there to the very edge of London,’ Julian tells Barry, pointing it out on Google Maps, ‘To the family estate.’

‘Your family has an _estate?_ ’ Julian rolls his eyes. ‘More like a large garden, but that’s what they call it. I mean, yeah, we’ve got a few pastures for the horses. Other than that, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.’ He pauses, then says, ‘I don’t miss it one bit.’

 

There is no question of them sleeping apart on Sunday night. Julian finishes packing his bags save for a few items from the bathroom he’ll have to remember to pick up tomorrow. Barry’s playing around on a flight radar website, figuring out how to follow Julian’s route. ‘You know I’m going to be worried stupid the whole time you’re gone, right?’ Barry says casually.

‘Nonsense,’ Julian says, ‘You’re going to actually get your work done, catch up on sleep, see your family and friends. You won’t even notice I’m not here.’

‘Yeah, I see that happening. Come on, let’s get to bed so I can cuddle you as long as possible.’

‘Such a romantic,’ Julian says, letting Barry lead him to the bedroom.

 

*

 

They don’t even bother with undressing for bed, opting instead to slip under the covers fully dressed for the moment. It’s a weird thing to do, but Julian forgets all about it when Barry kisses him passionately. Julian responds eagerly and Barry sighs when he finds himself pressed into the mattress. That sigh does it for Julian, and he figures now is as good a time as any to start this conversation.

 

‘Barry. If I’m wrong, by all means tell me, but...’ Barry gives him a confused look. ‘You, uh, do you like it when I take the lead?’ Julian gestures to both of them and the bed to clarify his point. ‘I mean, it seems like it isn’t just about making me comfortable anymore.’

Barry breathes in sharply. ‘It’s... yeah, I like it when you’re, um. Dominant.’ Julian feels relieved now that it’s out in the open, but no less nervous. ‘Have you ever done any... dom/sub stuff?’

‘A little,’ Barry admits, ‘Bit of power play, not much, and I like some mild pain. Scratching, biting. You’ve noticed my reaction to that.’

‘I haven’t done any of this, and it’s probably not a discussion we should have right now, but I might like to experiment with it, if you want? Being in control is... maybe not entirely good for me, but it feels safe.’ Barry’s eyes are full of wonder. ‘I – yes. I’d like that very much.’

‘I have read up on this online, I don’t want you to think I’m going in blind.’

Barry surges forward and kisses him. ‘I know how thorough you are, love.’

‘I have just one more question then,’ Julian says with a smirk, ‘What’s your safeword?’

 

Right off the bat, two things are clear. Julian has all the makings of a balanced, excellent top. And this is going to be sweet torture on Barry, because they’re still not actually having sex. Julian is clearly intent on doing his level best to drive Barry crazy with need before the night is over. So he encourages Barry to strip most of his clothes off, kisses random paths down his arms and chest, squeezes a nipple gently and then, when Barry moans, does it again, harder. Julian enjoys having the reins now, loves watching his boyfriend turn into a pliant mess underneath him. _Definitely not a one-time thing,_ he thinks through the haze as he undresses down to his underwear and tries to decide what to do with Barry next. Julian’s new idea puts a smirk on his face. He leans over to kiss Barry deeply, then trails his fingers down to the waistband of his dark blue boxers, teasing, forever teasing.

 

‘Turn over for me, darling,’ Julian whispers, giving Barry the room to do so. There’s no hesitation from the other man, and it sends a thrill of power through Julian. Kneeling over Barry, he peppers kisses down the exposed back in front of him and then when Barry least expects it, Julian bites down on his shoulder lightly. ‘Oh!’ Barry groans, coaxing a smile from Julian as he settles his entire body over his boyfriend’s, mouth pressed to his neck and hands pinning Barry’s to the mattress. Slowly, Julian begins moving over him, his erection rubbing over the fabric covering Barry’s lovely ass. It isn’t quite everything, but it’s enough for now, it’s an amount of pleasure Julian can handle without becoming overwhelmed. Seems to be doing the trick for his boyfriend, too. Barry moans and writhes beneath him, twisting his head around for a messy kiss, seeking friction by rutting against the mattress. Julian can easily reach his neck to mark him up with lovebites, and all the while, he keeps up the relentless movement of his hips.

 

‘Jules, _oh,_ ’ Barry begs, ‘If you don’t – you have to stop if you don’t want me to come, I – fuck –’

‘I _do_ want you to come,’ Julian whispers close to his ear. He releases his grip on Barry’s right hand. ‘Touch yourself for me. Through your boxers.’ Barry shudders and pushes his hand into the tight space between himself and the mattress to obey Julian’s command. ‘Please, please, Julian, I need to come – can I?’ A heady feeling rushes through Julian when he realises Barry is actually _asking his permission to come._ ‘Shit,’ Julian grinds out, ‘Yes, yes, you can.’

 

Julian’s name is the only word on Barry’s lips when he comes, almost sobbing into the pillow.

 

Julian lets go and rolls off him, settling down on a pillow and looking at Barry with a smile as the other man turns over and gazes at the ceiling while he catches his breath.

‘Are you okay?’ Julian asks. He’s barely been rough at all, but still.

‘Are you kidding?’ Barry counters, ‘Never better.’ His eyes drop to the bulge in Julian’s own boxers. ‘Do you want me to take care of you?’ he asks sincerely, uncertain about this change in the rules. But Julian shakes his head. ‘I’d rather not, I... I’m not quite ready yet.’ Barry nods. ‘I understand.’ He smiles brightly at Julian, blissed out. ‘Thank you,’ Barry whispers, kissing him softly. Julian moans at Barry’s touch, then pulls away. ‘Sorry,’ Barry says, shifting away from Julian and wincing at the sticky feeling when he moves. ‘Bathroom. I might be a while,’ Barry says with a wink, getting up. His intent is clear. ‘Do save some hot water for me,’ Julian calls out to Barry’s retreating back. Once he hears the bathroom door fall shut, Julian lies back and reaches into his underwear, pulling the waistband down for better access. It should be weird to jerk off with Barry only one door down taking a shower (is he singing? Sounds like he is), but he’s too turned on to be bothered. Thinking about the way Barry looked and sounded pinned beneath him, it hardly takes any time at all. He cleans himself up with some tissues, carries them to the dustbin in the kitchen and on the way back knocks on the bathroom door. ‘You can come out if you want,’ he says. Barry sounds pleased. ‘I’ll be there in a minute. Left you plenty of water.’ Julian drifts back to his bedroom to wait.

 

When Julian gets back from a delightful shower, Barry’s sitting up in bed wearing woolly pyjamas, his nose buried in a book. It’s such a domestic picture that Julian’s heart clenches in his chest. Keeping his dressing gown on for the moment, Julian joins his boyfriend beneath the sheets. Barry puts his book away with a smile and reaches out to draw Julian into his arms. Neither of them speaks at first, happy to just sit together in silence. It would seem that now’s the right time to breach a subject that makes Julian nervous. He coughs lightly and Barry looks at him expectantly. ‘I, uh. I went to the doctor this week to get tested.’

Barry frowns at him. ‘Are you sick?’

‘Not that kind of test.’ Barry seems confused. ‘What other kind of test is there –’ Julian gives him a pointed look. ‘Oh! Right. So what did she say?’

‘Well – I mean, I was pretty sure I was clean, but I didn’t want to risk anything.’

‘ _And?_ ’ Barry appears nervous too now, impatient. ‘Oh, yeah. I’m clean.’ Barry smiles and leans in for a kiss. ‘I went to my doctor three weeks ago,’ he confesses, ‘I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make you feel pressured. But, yeah. I’m clean too. That’s good, clearly.’ Julian nods. ‘I don’t know what’s next for us. I mean, this obviously changes things.’ Barry kisses him again. ‘I’m really glad you trust me with this now.’ Julian takes his hand and looks at Barry’s fingers when he says, ‘I’m not saying we shouldn’t use protection. But I just don’t want us to have to worry about touching each other.’

Barry gives him a soft, fond smile and says, ‘I agree. Shall we sleep?’

‘Might as well,’ Julian says, shrugging off his dressing gown, turning onto his side and spooning Barry.


	19. Chapter 19

19.

 

At six thirty the next morning, the alarm clock goes off too soon for Barry’s tastes. _Another work day – and Julian’s leaving today._ Technically, Julian could turn over and sleep for another hour, but he stretches lazily, pulls Barry in close and whispers, ‘I don’t want to go,’ into the darkness. Barry stills in his arms, his back pressed to Julian’s bare chest. Up until now, his boyfriend hasn’t given any indication of this sentiment. ‘I mean, I know I have to. But...’

‘Nobody’s forcing you to get on that plane,’ Barry says, his voice low and sleepy, ‘But I think you’ll always regret it if you don’t go.’ Julian stays silent for a few minutes, and Barry’s almost drifted back into a slumber when he hears him say, ‘You’re right.’ Julian’s lips brush the back of Barry’s neck. Barry hums softly and reaches for the light switch. ‘I have to get ready for work.’

‘I’ll fix us some breakfast while you pack your bag. Your book reports were under the sink in the bathroom when I last saw them, heaven only knows why,’ Julian says, forcing himself out of bed. ‘The girl who wrote about _Hay Fever_ is definitely bisexual,’ Barry replies, completely beside the point, ‘She practically admits it in her conclusion. And I was correcting them after I took a shower.’

‘I’m surprised your paperwork never ends up soaking wet, the way you drag it around everywhere.’

‘It’s been known to happen,’ Barry says with a shrug, ‘My students think it’s funny.’ Barry pauses before halting Julian in his tracks. ‘Julian.’

 

Julian’s about to leave the room while Barry’s still in bed, always slow to move in the mornings. He turns around to face his boyfriend, who says, ‘About last night.’ Julian smiles widely and gestures for Barry to continue. ‘That was... as amazing as it was unexpected.’ Julian laughs, blushes, and disappears around the corner. ‘I had fun too!’ he calls out. Grinning, Barry drags himself out of their warm bed (and when did it become _their_ bed instead of Julian’s?) and sets about collecting his clothes and paperwork.

 

All too soon, it’s time for Barry to leave for work. Julian runs him through his cat-sitting duties again.  ‘Do you have the keys? Don’t forget to feed Merlin at least twice a day, please.’ He expects a snarky response from Barry or reassurances that he won’t let Julian’s cat starve, but that doesn’t happen.

 

‘Barry,’ Julian says, surprised when his boyfriend catches him in a tight hug and refuses to let go. ‘Be safe, yeah?’ Barry says, sounding choked up. ‘Of course,’ Julian tells him softly, ‘I’ll see you in a week.’ They kiss warmly for an endless moment. ‘Now go, or you’ll be late for work.’

‘I love you,’ Barry says, grabbing hold of his bag and his keys. ‘Me too.’ Julian watches Barry leave, staring at the front door for a minute before tearing his eyes away. He packs up the rest of his clothes, makes sure his flat is clean, and settles down on the couch to cuddle with Merlin for a while. He can’t make up for his absence in advance, but hopefully Barry’s visits will help.

 

Julian likes being alone, but he dislikes travelling alone. The long hours spent waiting at the airport drag on endlessly. It’s not much better once he’s on the plane. He’s got a book, his sketchpad, music player and the onboard entertainment system, but there are still hours left to fill once Julian feels he’s exhausted all his possibilities. Thinking about Rose and the upcoming week sours his mood even further, so eventually he settles for an uneasy sleep.

 

By the time Julian’s hauled his luggage up and down the stairs in three different Tube stations, his suitcases seem to weigh a ton. ‘Should’ve taken a taxi,’ he grumbles to himself when he finally emerges in busy Richmond during the morning rush. Fortunately, it’s not far to his hotel now. On the way there Julian takes note of a few restaurants for dinner over the next few days. The sun is still rising over the city. He stops by the supermarket to grab something for breakfast, once his stomach feels up to it. Maybe he shouldn’t have eaten so much on the flight. The staff at Julian’s hotel graciously allows him to leave his luggage there until this afternoon when he can check in. He’s meeting his parents around lunchtime, which leaves him with a couple of hours to fill. He texts Barry to let him know that he’s landed, but it’s the middle of the night in Central City, so he’s not expecting a response until later.

 

Julian takes a stroll along the road to Kew, glad for the chance to stretch his legs after the long hours cooped up on the plane. He’s always liked Kew more than Richmond, where he grew up. It’s got a greener, more quietly suburban feel than busy Richmond, though of course the latter’s gigantic park makes up for a lot of the differences. Julian walks, clearing his head, all the way to Kew Bridge. He finds a bench and enjoys his sandwich with a view of the river and several small islands, thickly covered in trees. Checking his watch, Julian decides to catch a bus back and look around the shops for a bit before heading to his childhood home.

 

Taking a deep breath, Julian rings the doorbell of his family’s beautiful townhouse on top of a small hill. The Thames winds through the green landscape far below. It’s been too long since he saw this and the view stuns him anew. Right behind an overgrown plant, Julian can still make out a sign that’s been on their house since his childhood:

 

_ Albert Desmond _

_James and Rose_

_Richard and Marjorie_

_Emma and Julian_

 

It’s hardly surprising his parents have let the plant grow freely. Half the people on the sign are dead and Julian hasn’t lived here in years. His father opens the door and offers Julian a solid handshake, inviting him in. ‘Good to see you, son. Your mother’s in the living room, come on through.’ His father looks older, Julian notes with a tinge of sadness as he follows him into the house. ‘Hello, Mum,’ Julian says when they enter the parlour, and the next moment, his mother’s hugging him uncharacteristically tight. Her shoulders are shaking and Julian frowns. ‘Are you crying?’

‘Well of course I am,’ Marjorie sniffs, ‘You’re my only son and I haven’t seen you in a year.’ Drawing back a little, Marjorie drags her fingers through Julian’s loose curls and says, ‘You need a haircut.’ Julian laughs. This is familiar territory, because they have this discussion every time they meet. ‘It’s not that long. Anyway, I like my hair like this.’ And so does Barry, but it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie for the moment. ‘Coffee, Julian?’ Richard asks warmly, and Julian happily accepts.

 

‘You’ll be staying for lunch, I hope?’ his mother asks, admiring the cut of his dress shirt. ‘Of course,’ Julian concedes. They make smalltalk at first, over coffee and shortbread, catching up with each other’s lives. Richard is planning to retire next year, leaving his law firm to his younger partner. No one mentions that the plan once was for Julian to take over the firm. Marjorie still does administrative work for one of the local golf clubs, interacting with the rich and influential on the daily. _Just the way she likes it,_ Julian thinks with some degree of bitterness.

 

‘So what happened with Grandma?’ Julian says eventually, once they’re tucking in to bread rolls and soup. His father shifts uncomfortably in his chair and it’s Marjorie who answers. ‘Rose saw quite a lot of doctors over the past year. She wasn’t well, but no one knew what was wrong with her. Old age, they said. And when she got the heart attack, we called the ambulance straight away, but there was nothing they could do.’ They all remain quiet for several minutes. It’s the first time in years that Julian feels they are still a family, huddled around the table, united in their grief.

 

No one notices that the soup goes cold.


	20. Chapter 20

20.

 

It’s mid-afternoon when Julian leaves his parents’ house. He checks into his small but functional hotel room and collapses on the bed. His first priority is to phone Barry, who picks up on the first ring. ‘Hi, it’s me.’

‘Hey, Jules. Did you arrive okay?’

‘Yes, just got checked in now. Wait, aren’t you working? What time is it?’

‘Er, around ten. I’m not teaching until ten thirty today. How are you feeling?’

‘I’m desperate for a nap, to be honest. The time difference always plays havoc with my sleep schedule. I saw my parents this afternoon, and now I’m ready to crash. But I wanted to talk to you first.’ Julian imagines Barry’s bright smile on the other end of the line.

‘How was the meeting with your parents?’

‘Um, okay. A bit awkward at first. Then sad, when we talked about Grandma.’

‘Of course,’ Barry says softly.

‘I just – I just want the funeral to be over, so I can begin to move on. It feels weird, being here when Grandma isn’t – when she won’t ever be –’

‘I know, Jules. I know. I wish I could be there with you.’

‘I think you are,’ Julian says gently, eyeing a framed picture of Barry that he brought with him, wrapped in plastic and cloth for protection. They wish each other a good day soon after, promising to text later. Julian draws the curtains in his room and curls up on his side. Imagining Barry’s warm presence next to his, Julian sinks into a deep sleep.

 

It’s dark when Julian wakes up again and stumbles into the shower in hopes of properly regaining consciousness. It works, up to a point. He decides to change into his pyjamas and blindly reaches into his bag of toiletries to find his toothbrush. It’s not where he usually stashes it, so he turns to rifle through the bag looking for it. ‘Oh shit,’ Julian mutters under his breath. No toothbrush. No toothpaste. And in a flash, he remembers cleaning his teeth the previous afternoon and putting his things right back in the drawer under the washbasin. Swearing some more, Julian puts his clothes back on and glances through the window of his hotel room. It’s late, but the Sainsbury’s across the street is still open. _Bless London work hours,_ Julian thinks as he rushes down the stairs, out the door and into the supermarket. After purchasing the necessary items and a wholly unnecessary box of fine chocolates as a souvenir for Barry, Julian impulsively stops at a small restaurant for a takeaway pizza. He hasn’t had a hot meal since the airplane, after all. He sneaks it up the stairs in his hotel and then he’s finally able to relax in his room.

 

He turns the TV on for the weather forecast (clear skies but very cold), bites into his spicy pizza and texts Barry. After a bit of trial and error, Julian manages to log in on the hotel’s free WiFi and they spend a pleasant hour messaging back and forth. Julian’s wide awake now and it’s only dinnertime in Central City. The temptation to keep talking into the night is strong, but Julian needs to wake up early for the funeral tomorrow. Barry wishes him strength and promises to call when he can.

 

It’s freezing cold on the cemetery, and Julian finds it surprisingly peaceful here. He stays behind for a bit after his extended family leaves to have lunch at his parents’ house. Julian kneels on a tapestry of fallen leaves and whispers, ‘I wish you would have let me say goodbye,’ to his grandmother’s freshly marked grave. He’s crying openly as he puts a rose on her tomb and one on Emma’s, right next to it.

 

The muscles in his back tense when Julian gets up, his legs tingling, and walks away.

 

*

 

Julian wakes up early on Thursday morning. His parents invited him to come by for breakfast, but it’s far too early to leave – not even seven o’clock. Unable to go back to sleep, Julian gets up and ruffles through his suitcase to find something to wear. Unexpectedly, right at the bottom, he encounters his riding breeches. He remembers packing them just in case he... An idea taking shape in his mind, Julian dons the trousers and packs a pair of jeans and a clean shirt in a bag along with a bottle of water. The supermarket near the station is just opening up, and Julian stops to buy some carrots and a ham sandwich. The morning rush has yet to start, so Julian climbs to the upper deck and eats his sandwich while the bus takes him to his parents’ estate.

 

It’s a good thing Julian always kept his key, so he doesn’t have to wake anyone up when he sneaks through the house and into the garden. His feet take him where he needs to go. The stables still smell the same as they always did. Julian even finds his old riding boots and cap tucked away in a corner next to Emma’s. It’s odd, like both of their riding gear is here as a memorial. He pulls on the boots and steps deeper into the stables. There are three horses present. Julian doesn’t see Sydney for the moment, but Adelaide’s right there in front of him. He steps into her box carefully, approaching on her left side. ‘Hey girl. Did you miss me?’ The horse neighs softly, pushing her nose against his hand. It’s been too long since he saw Adelaide, and Julian’s helplessly pleased to find her alive and well. He presses his nose into her dark grey mane to inhale her scent, watches her eat carrots from his hand. ‘What do you say you and I go for a ride?’ Julian whispers into his horse’s ear. He saddles her quickly, puts on his cap and leads Adelaide outside. The streets are relatively quiet according to London standards, and Julian knows a back road to the park. The sun’s rising behind a few strands of mist. It’s going to be a beautiful, cold winter day, and Julian’s glad for his thick coat.

 

The park hasn’t been open long when Julian arrives. He takes a moment to orient himself on the map, then heads for a trail he remembers riding many times. They’re alone here, amongst the trees and the rust-coloured leaves covering the ground, and it feels wonderful. Adelaide still remembers his touch. She reacts to every twitch of Julian’s hands and legs as if she can read his mind. Julian encourages her to adopt a light trot. Looking off to the north, Julian knows the cemetery is behind the trees there somewhere. He was there yesterday, of course. Burying his grandmother right next to his sister. His two favourite family members, gone. Rose often took Julian and Emma here when they were kids, to walk or cycle or climb the hills and admire the view from the top.

 

Wandering through the park at dawn, reunited with his favourite horse, it’s easy to become lost in his memories.

 

Unlike their parents, Rose had never promised them _later._ No, ‘later, when you’ve grown up, you’ll be the heirs to our estate,’ or ‘you’ll be lawyers just like us,’ or ‘you can’t understand this, not until later, when you’re older’. Phrases that indicated they had no choice in the matter. Rose had watched her grandchildren play happily, Emma always with her hands in a pond or a stream, searching for life as her brother stared up at the sky looking for the rest of the universe. They dragged scientific books out into the furthest reaches of the gardens to investigate and name the insects and animals they found there. When they were even younger, Rose invented stories starring their favourite plush toys and dolls, and sentenced herself to years of telling the same stories over and over again.

 

Rose taught both of them to drive, first Emma and Julian a few years later. Julian remembers how envious he was of people who got to learn in small towns instead of London’s crazy busy traffic. In hindsight, Rose must have feared for her life on several occasions. Then when Julian first moved to the USA, it felt like he had to learn all over again, driving an automatic on the other side of the road.

 

_Emma likes to help Grandma Rose pick out groceries, but Julian is content to sit on the floor in the book department and read a comic book Rose’ll buy for him later. Nobody bothers him here, and the bright colours of the supermarket are pleasantly out of sight. Someone asks him if he’s lost, sometimes, when they see the little boy reading, but he just shakes his head and they leave._

Julian was never lost, back then.

 

_His grandpa James teaches Julian to draw, seated at the living room table and surrounded by pencils and a book with detailed drawings of birds that they try to replicate. He inherited his grandfather’s talent, and that surprises people more than it should. His mother is especially annoyed by all the time Julian spends reading and drawing instead of playing football with other boys his age. She seems to think his introverted nature is an insult to his heritage, and would probably prefer Julian to be a proud, outspoken child with a certain future as a lawyer._

His mother got what she wanted, eventually, though Julian knows she did not mean for him to be so outspoken to his parents that they lost touch altogether.

 

_Until long after James dies, Rose keeps taking her grandchildren to a bright corner tearoom called Isaura. It’s their place, just the three of them now. They always raise a glass to James’ memory, and Rose buys them ice cream and listens to Emma and Julian, both teenagers by now, trying to keep up with themselves. It’s over a steaming cup of coffee in that tearoom that Julian first confesses to his sister and his grandmother that he has a crush on a boy from his class. He’s fourteen and it’s been on his mind for some time. Emma’s seventeen and not really bothered, but Rose’s eyes grow sad. She might not mind but she knows that Richard and Marjorie certainly will, and that Julian’s future won’t be easy._

Julian walked by that very same tearoom yesterday on his way to the hotel. Or rather, he walked by what’s left of it. There are large weeds and wild flowers growing out of the pavement in front of the door. A peek through the windows taught him the building’s been empty for a long time _._ The worst part about that is that Julian isn’t even surprised. London is ever-changing, and it seems like nothing from his youth remains.


End file.
